Suicide seems to be everywhere. Most of us have been affected by it in some way.
I’m in the process of writing a new book for those who are enduring the pain of someone they love taking their own life. Many of you are helping me with this, sharing your stories about how suicide has affected you and those around you. Your stories have shaken me, as I knew they would.
I’m stunned by your pain. Through your words, I have felt a tiny bit of your sadness, confusion, and anger. My heart is broken for you.
Through all the stories, one thing surfaced over and over again: the incredible loneliness of intense grief.
Like an unstoppable tsunami, loss hits us and sweeps us forcefully away from what we know life to be. We land in some new, unfamiliar place. Stunned, we rise and try to make sense of this new world without our loved one in it. Our once full lives seem empty. We can feel bereft, and stuck in grief and in life.
A deep loneliness of the heart is born.
There is no cure for this loneliness. It is part of the grief process. Every human heart experiences it on some level.
And therein lies the solace. It’s a shared loneliness.
No matter what your loss, you’ve blessed me through your emails, questions, stories, and photos. I’m deeply honored to be with you in this. Though our grief journeys are unique, we can travel together.
We can share our loneliness.
We can, and we must. We’re in this together. I’m so glad we are.
Question: Have you experienced a loneliness of the heart in your grief process? Have you shared this loneliness with others?
I have a deep loneliness in my heart and my soul. My world has been shaken to the core. I lost my husband Dec 4th, 2017. He was 49 years old. He went to work on a fishing boat and never came home. There was a tragedy and the boat sank. Claiming 2. And 2 made it off the boat. My life as I knew it is forever changed. I also lost my brother to suicide. I have had many losses. Some natural. Others tragic. Yes, I carry a deep loneliness in my heart and soul. Love and Godspeed to you all on this journey.
Hi Tammy. Thank you for sharing this with us. I’m so sorry. What horrible losses. Yes, these things changes our worlds, and us. Please be patient with yourself. And please feel free to share here anytime. I’m here to help, if I can.
Shortly after my son passed away a girl on my special needs bus said something to me that changed my life. Actually it saved my life. I was planning on ending my life that day but she gave me a real slap of reality. First I want to share a little about this girl. I had known her since she was 3. She was one of the MDA poster children in my area the year I met her. When her real mom found out she would spend her life in a wheelchair she left her at the hospital. The nurse who took care of her ended up adopting her. She was not expected to live past 12 but she was 19 when she saved my life. When she was 14 she lost her mom to cancer. I had become very close to her on my bus. She said I was like a big sister to her. Anyway the day she saved me I was having a bad day and she asked what was wrong. I just said my life sucked and I was having a bad day. Then as she sat there curled up in her wheelchair struggling to breathe most of the time she said something to me that changed my whole outlook on life. She said “Why do you think your life sucks? You have a roof over your head, food in your stomach, clothes on your back. You can sing, dance walk and talk, and you have friends and family that love you. So how does your life suck? Then I looked around my bus at the 4 autistic kids who were smiling and enjoying themselves and the 2 kids that have lived their life in a wheelchair having to have someone else help them do the simplest things that we all take for granted. She was the only one out of the kids on the bus that could verbally communicate. As I looked around I realized that every one of those kids had so many struggles and things they have had to overcome and they were all smiling like their lives were perfect. They all had reasons to hate their lives but they were all happy and enjoying the life God gave them. And here I was thinking my life sucked and I had nothing worth living for. What she said really hit me hard. Yes I had just lost my son and my husband, lost my home and had to sell everything I owned . Plus had to give up by dogs who are my sweet little baby girls. But I was alive and did have lots of reasons to go on living. What this girl didn’t know at the time was I was also homeless and was lucky to eat one meal a day. But when she said those words to me I realized she was right. Even if I didn’t have a roof over my head or food in my stomach I did have lots of friends and family that loved me and that alone is worth living for. This girl ended up dying a year later. Losing her was almost as hard as losing my own child. But to this day I remind myself every day what she said to me. She is my angel and I miss her a great deal. But I know that she is now in Heaven running and dancing through the clouds. And she is now probably chasing my son and picking on him like he used to her when they were little.
You are welcomed to share in your book the words she said to me that day that saved my life.
You are blessed.
You have a roof over your head,
clothes on your back,
food in your stomach,
You can sing, dance, walk & talk,
and you have friends and family that love you.
You have lots of things to live for.
Hi Linda. Wow. Thank you for sharing this with us. And thank you for allowing me to hear this story, and use it, if possible. It’s amazing the power of words – and how certain people can bring perspective in a heartbeat. And I’m SO glad you’re here and making a difference. Thanks again for sharing this. Blessings to you…
My son did not die from suicide, but in a sense it makes me feel like he did because he drank so much that it made his heart weak and it could not handle it therefore he died. So in a way I do feel it was close to suicide because he chose to drink in such a fashion. I have felt very lonely in my heart even though I have another son and grandchildren and my family but I just feel as though everyone has moved on and I am stuck in my grief over the loss of my son by myself. My husband is not the biological father and therefore he has no clue what I am going through nor do I feel like he cares. I have the feeling that people think I should be over this and it has not even been 2 years yet. I have read a lot of books, I know what they say but some days my heart does not want to hear any of that. Thanks for sharing with those of us who have lost a very much loved one.
Hi Becky. Thank you for sharing your heart with us. I’m so sorry. Husband and son. Ugh. Yes, I can understand why you would feel alone and stuck. If there’s anything I can do to support you, please let me know. And please feel free to reach out and share here anytime. At least we can walk this road together.
My ex-husband threatened suicide as a pattern every six months then every three months to win his marathon arguments and tantrums. He was a cop above the law that ripped the phone from my hands when I wanted to call his sargent or others to calm him. Rocker went flying across the room, Kirby vacuum and countless holes in walls and doors. After 20 years he finally agreed to go see a counselor with me, then admitted the grabbing if his gun, roulette clicks, speeding off in his very fast car were sometimes real and half the time a ploy to win arguments that he created. All this did was force me to lose any respect for him and love turned to pitty plus PTSD on my four children, oh, and myself. Dealing with it now after divorce and his cardiomyopathy death at 58, then the loss of my daughter of myopathy and toxic Rx per coroner, when she only wanted to be a daddies girl, only daughter, why not, has left me and three sons, brothers two younger and one older, with so much frustration, anger, pain, bewildered. Mostly to see her two nieces she was a nanny to, how they miss her, makes me feel like a legacy of pain all from a suicidal bully is continuing. No pity now, only indifference.
Hi Jackie. Thank you for sharing this with us. Oh my. I’m sorry. Two massive losses, and complicated too. The world is many times not kind to grieving, traumatized hearts. Please feel free to share here anytime. If you need to vent, feel free to email me. I’ll be glad to listen. Again, I’m so sorry Jackie.
The loneliness of the heart is like a amputation. You have lost a part of your self nobody knows how lonely I am. It’s been 5 years since I lost my love. I become a recluse I don’t go out except to shop for groceries or to family outings. I have no friends so I am alone except for my kids and grandchildren. The loneliness is unbearable I had a great career before his death now I am nobody. Also I am struggling with there being a heaven and about God. My faith was strong before my husband died.
Hi Linda. I’m so sorry. You’re right. No other human knows the intricacies of our hearts, or our loneliness. I’m grateful you have your kids and grandchildren. Some losses shake us so much that we tremble to the core – including our souls. If you ever would like to share more, please feel free to contact me. This is so hard. I’m so sorry.
I have 2 children that ive lived my life for since i was 17. After i lost my son to suicide, my life only seems half of what is was. I have grandchildren to keep me busy but i alwAys feel so lonely without my baby boy. He was 6’5” of loving joy, a mommas boy from the get go. I miss everything about him!
Hi Shannon. Thank you for sharing with us. I’m so sorry about your son. How tragic. Yes, we miss everything, don’t we? If there’s anything I can do for you, please let me know. Please take care of yourself…
Is it part of grieving to make plans to maybe ending one’s life ?
HI Barbara. Thank you for reaching out and sharing this. Heavy grief can cause us to consider all kinds of things we normally would not. At times, our grief can lead us to dark places, and suicidal thoughts can knock. If you’re having these thoughts, please involve someone else immediately. If you’re alone, please call 1-800-273-8255. If you’re asking this question and thinking about someone else who is having suicidal thoughts, please let someone know. Please feel free to email me to dialog further. Praying for you now…
I have NEVER felt more alone than I do right now as I walk this road of life with my own life threatening illnesses. Yes, I have shared this with others, only to be dismissed as grieving and left on my own, starting the cycle of loneliness all over again.
Hi Caren. Thank you for sharing. How awful. And yes, it sounds terribly lonely. I can’t imagine. People pull away from suffering…and if we’re the ones suffering, they pull away from us. I’m so sorry your heart has not been respected or taken seriously. Please feel free to contact me any time, if you wish. I’ll be glad to “listen” and support as much as I can. Praying for you now, that more support would come.
I am now going through this for 6 months, and i have spoke to people about this sadness that is killing me, It seems that everyone just thinks i should have moved on already I can’t when the remains of my loved one is still be held from me until i pay the bill they ran up with no specific diagnosis ever, they murdered him and i have told them that. I paid half right before Christmas, because i tried to get him home for the holidays, she said no because i’m angry and she doesn’t trust me, that maybe i will take my card off file. I just brang in all that money to her in cash and she says she can’t trust me!! she is the reason my Baby Boy is gone her and her staff. i think about his eyes everyday and night
Hi Angelina. Thank you for sharing with us. I’m so sorry about your boy. And 6 months is not long in the grief world, especially for a loss like this. People typically don’t want to deal with our pain, so that want us to get better as quickly as possible. The trouble is that we will never be the same – how could we be. Losses like this change us. Please feel free to share anytime. Praying for you now, Angelina.
I’ve shared my grief at AA meetings. Not my loneliness, my behavior at that period of my life showed my loneliness.This was when I lived in New Mexico 2002-2007.
I’ve spoken in length about my grief with my present husband. We met soon after he lost his wife due to extended illness in 2013.
We talk all the time and comfort each other in times of grief!!
Hi Linda. Way to go. Sharing is risky, but when we find safe, supportive people it becomes worth it. Glad you have your husband and that AA group! And thank you for sharing here. Blessings to you…
The intensity of the loneliness illuminated by grief has made me dive deep into God’s word and what he says about his children. We are KNOWN. We are never alone. We are not abandoned. Not forsaken. Not forgotten. We are WORTHY. We are LOVED. As I’ve climbed into these truths and wrapped them around me like the loving warm blanket they are, I recognized them for what you say here. Universal. Every human has experienced them – even if they weren’t tied to great loss or grief. And that’s where my faith was exercised. Because believing the lies of loneliness is a steadfast weapon of Satan to make us feel like we are separated from God’s love. Instead, we must choose to believe the truth – even when we feel like everything is wrong and out of place. This is the working out of our faith.
Thank you for walking this journey with so many of us.
HI Karen. Thanks for sharing this with us. Thank goodness our feelings are not necessarily reality. We might feel alone, but we never, ever are. Jesus knows all about loneliness. He shares ours. He feels what we feel and is with us in all the messes. Thank you again for sharing. Blessings to you, Karen.
Gary
July of 2011 my husband of 28 years with absolutely no idea he was hurting as much as he was took his life. It was a Sunday July 10th the city we live in was having the Centennial Celebration in our church choir was asked to sing at the community service that morning my husband worked in overtime and arrived home a little late I really have a problem showing up late to things so we didn’t start the day off on the best foot are we went to the service and we sang and then decided to come home so that he could take a nap so we could go to some of the Centennial activities in the afternoon. There was supposed to be a parade at 5 but I really wanted to go to. Mike woke up from his nap about 3 and we were also getting ready to go on vacation and he decided he wanted to lay out in the sun then Prime himself so that he wasn’t going to get sunburned well he finally came in at 5 and I was a little irritated because it was too late to go we live in a small community and when there’s an event everybody shows up so trying to get down there after the event that already started it was just a waste of time. So we had some words and the last words I said to him was to stop being so selfish. He went down into our bedroom and I stayed up in the family room watching television and about 20 minutes later I heard this loud thumping and went down to make sure he was okay after he didn’t answer me and I found him lying in the floor in a blue Heap with a belt wrapped around his neck I called nine-one-one side neighbor and asked him to come in if he knew do CPR cuz I couldn’t move him he came in and started CPR and I started making phone calls to my kids and to his parents. Everybody showed up at the house the EMTs got his heart restarted and we went off to the hospital we spent the following 15 days with him in the ICU my final day moved out to floor. On day 3 the doctor decided to turn off the intubator to see if he could breathe on his own with my kids and I and our pastor gathered around him we watched as they turned off the innovator and he breathed on his own he turned his head he looks at me and tears started to roll down his face I told him I was sorry and I forgave him it’s like the light bulb went off there was never any more response from him while he’s lingered a total of 15 days and passed away on my birthday.
I didn’t just lose my husband, I lost a whole family my husband’s family has nothing to do with me my daughter only the sons we had together. I finally did get out of my mother-in-law what the problem is because I was home I should have been able to stop him. While my I do still speak with my mother-in-law occasionally it is very strained she’s in her late eighties also a widow and I know that when she’s no longer with us I’ll link to my husband’s side of the family for me will be gone. The hardest part of all this is all the relationships that have gone by the wayside people don’t seem to know how to respond when someone takes their life so it’s easier to avoid you my son’s don’t talk much about their dad death my husband used to always tell them that suicide was the most selfish and cruel thing that a person could do to the people they love my oldest son he has quoted that back to me on several occasions and asked why his dad did the most selfish and cruel thing and I have no answer for him because I don’t know. I do know that Mike loved Jesus and I believe that he is and heaven with him now. The loneliness is what gets to me especially on weekends well I still sing in the choir at church it took me a long time to be able to go to church and just feel comfortable because after all I am still we don’t have a church member that took their life
Hi Beverly. Thank you for sharing this. I’m so, so sorry for all your family has endured, and is still enduring. I can’t imagine the pain, confusion, and grief. And then the family complications on top of everything else. If there’s ever any way I can support you, please let me know. I’m praying for you now, Beverly. Thank you again for sharing.
I have never felt this lonly since my husband died a year ago.There is this empty feeling that just does not go away.I feel like a part of me is gone and the other half is just simply lonely.I have also come to understand that no one will be able to feel what I feel.Loneliness has and is overpowering me right now.I wish I could somehow get rid of it.I am fed up with it.
Hello Germit. Thank you sharing this. I’m so sorry about your husband. What a potent description – half gone, with the half that’s left being smily lonely. It can indeed be overwhelming. We’re not designed for “aloneness” but for relationship. No wonder this hurts so much. I’m so sorry. Germit. Please feel free to reach out and share here anytime. Blessings to you amid all the challenges.
We lost a son 3 years ago and as you know, the pain is still present. My husband has been my rock which I’m so grateful for. He and I are on this road together.
Hi Linda. I’m so sorry about your son. And so thankful you have a supportive husband in this. A compassionate mate makes a massive difference. If there’s anything I can do for you, please let me know. Praying for you now…
Dear Gary,
I’ve tried to share my feelings with some folks but really, it just makes them uneasy because none of us are taught how to cope with a loved one’s death, especially when it’s a suicide. (My husband of 34 years took his own life because he was dying anyway (metastatic cancer) and was in so much pain he couldn’t stand it.) Sone people draw away from you, still, even when they know you, knew him, knew the truth. It’s still a stigma for many. They behaved as though it was something infectious they could catch! I’m a person who can be content, often, with solitude—but this isn’t solitude, it’s isolation. Grief plus PTSD is nothing a person should have to go through alone. If I didn’t have a couple of good neighbors and friends, I don’t know how I could survive this. Our society has no clue…
Hi Athan. Thank you for sharing this. I’m so sorry about your husband, and about that terrible illness. You’re right. The world is not supportive or understanding -and most aren’t willing to try. Many are well-meaning, but not helpful. Thank goodness for people like the neighbors and friends you mentioned. Those safe people make all the difference. Please feel free to reach out and share here anytime. Blessings to you, Athan…
I have shared my loneliness with others yet they make it more about their feelings; like they’re insulted by my sharing as somehow their being with me should make up for me being lonely. Even after I explain no one can replace the loneliness created by the loss of our son .
Hi KC. Well put. Yes, we as humans tend to make things about ourselves, and that’s certainly true when we share grief with others. It often becomes about how they feel about how we’re doing pretty quickly. No one can fill that hole in our hearts. It’s reserved for them – an always-place in our heart. If I can ever do anything for you, please let me know. Blessings to you today, KC.
What book would be for the death of a parent that you where caregiver for. I was a caregiver for both of my parents for a total of 13 years. Mom had Alzheimer’s and vascular dementia. Dad was in a wheelchair and ended up passing 20 days after a major stroke that left him blind and unable to swallow. I am so lost! I cant wait for the day to see them again!
Hi Ann. Oh my. First of all, thank you for all those years of faithful love and service to your parents. When they died, so did life as you knew it. No wonder you feel lost. You had never known a day without them. Please be kind to yourself. You might want to check out my book, Comfort for Grieving Hearts. I believe it will meet you where you are and bring some hope and comfort. There’s also a book by Alan Wolfelt that’s called Healing the Adult Child’s Grieving Heart. Either or both of these would be good. And please feel free to reach out to me anytime. Blessings to you, Ann.