“Family has been disappointing,” Aaron said. “We heard all the usual stuff. ‘We’re with you. We’ll be there for you. Anything you need,’ and all that. Now they hardly talk to us, except to say that we should be over this by now.”

Aaron and his wife Stacey longed for children. They tried for years with no luck. They began fertility treatments. After two early miscarriages, they finally maintained a pregnancy into the eighth month.

Then a routine doctor visit revealed that their son Donnie’s heart was no longer beating.

“We were devastated. The pain was and is unbelievable. On top of that, we not only feel alone, but rejected,” Aaron shared.

 

Family can disappoint us

When loss hits, things change. The death of a loved one can shatter our world and jostles all our relationships, especially those with family. This is natural and common in grief.

We expect support, love, and acceptance from family. The reality may be different. Instead of being with us in our loss, they may try to fix us, help us feel better, or somehow rescue us from our pain.

Here are 5 reasons family can be less supportive than we would like:

1. Our expectations may be too high. 

We may have unspoken expectations of family – what level and kind of support they will give, how much they should contact, and how they will behave. If these expectations are high, chances are we’ll be disappointed.

2. They can’t handle seeing us in pain.

Caring family members don’t like to see us in pain. Sometimes our pain can trigger theirs. They can find themselves increasingly uncomfortable. They don’t know what to do or say. Perhaps they end up hurting us. Maybe they disappear. To us it feels like they’re trying to either wound us further or abandon us to our pain.

3. They are uncomfortable with grief, perhaps because they’re not dealing with theirs. 

Who likes sadness and grief? Some people act like they can’t handle it, or perhaps don’t want to. Chances are they are not dealing with their own grief and resent you for expressing yours. Your grief surfaces theirs, and they don’t know what to do with it.

Most of us believe some weird things about grief, and your family is no exception.

4. They have expectations on how this should go, and you’re not meeting them. 

Everyone has expectations. If you don’t deal with grief the way they expect, some get upset, frustrated, and angry. You feel judged.

Over time, this disconnect with family can grow. The distance between us can widen. Relationships can become estranged or even severed. We experience even more loss.

4. They expect us to get better and be the same people we were before. 

We’re not the same, and we won’t ever be the same again. Some family members don’t understand that. They don’t like it. It messes with their world.

5. They expect our relationship with them to be the same. 

We’ve been changed by our loved one’s death. Our relationships will change too, one way or the other. Nothing is the same.

These relational changes can be tumultuous, frustrating, and exhausting.

“Some family members don’t understand. I will never stop loving you.”

 

An exercise to try:

Consider writing a letter (that you will never send!) to a less than supportive family member. Tell them how you feel. Be as honest and as uncensored as possible. Get it out.

Relational upset among family members is not uncommon in grief. Do what you can to grieve responsibly and in a healthy manner.

Adapted from the award-winning bestseller, Shattered: Surviving the Loss of a Child.  Watch the Shattered videos here: Gary, Michelle.

Question: Has your family been less than supportive? What has helped you in dealing with this?

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