“I’m not the same person. Neither is Dave. Who am I now? Who are we?” asked Alexandra.
Alexandra and Dave’s son Duke was their only child. He was a talkative kid, with an active imagination. He was the superhero of the neighborhood, with a strong preference for Batman and Thor.
Despite watchful and involved parents, Duke began to run with a questionable crowd. In high school, he got into drugs. He pursued some college, but never followed through consistently. He had trouble holding down a job. One morning, Duke’s roommate found him unconscious on the floor. His death was ruled an accidental overdose. Duke was 25.
“Duke’s death was complicated. So is our grief. I miss him. I miss me. I miss our family,” Alexandra shared.
Loss can create an identity crisis
“I miss me.” I’ve heard that many times from grieving hearts. I’ve felt it myself. Here are 5 reason why intense grief and cause us to question our own identity.
1. The loss strikes you at the core of your being.
It’s as if part of us has been suddenly, perhaps forcefully, stolen away. What happened? Where did they go?
Your heart has been struck. Perhaps even your soul is shaking.
2. Your loved one’s absence permeates everything.
You’re used to our loved ones’ presence. Now, they’re gone. Their absence changes everything – every dynamic, every relationship. You feel yourself changing too.
The person you were, along with the life and family you knew, has been altered forever. Who are you now?
This can throw us into an identity crisis. Part of us has disappeared. What do we do with that?
3. Secondary losses emerge and begin to multiply.
Like waves on a beach, the unwanted changes keep rolling in, continual and relentless. The after-shocks pound you. Collateral damage piles up. Who knew so many little deaths could come from one big one?
You’re stunned and reeling. It feels like you’re in a free fall with no safety net.
4. Fear of even more loss comes knocking.
You brace ourselves and wonder what will happen next. You go into fortress-mode, trying desperately to control the damage and protect who and what you have left.
You sense your heart and life changing, shifting. You hold your breath, hoping that all this will soon stop and be over somehow. You have dreams about the way things were.
5. The unwelcome reality sets in.
Finally, reality sets in. They’re not coming back. The world seems empty. Everything has changed.
You gaze into the mirror. Who is that? You look different. You are different. Perhaps you barely recognize yourself.
This identity crisis is a natural and common experience for those suffering a heavy loss. Weathering this storm takes guts. You’re in uncharted waters with almost no idea where this violent wind might drive you.
In most cases, this identity crisis will be temporary. As you process the grief, you will adapt, adjust, heal, and grow (though any and all of these might seem impossible on any given day). But you will not go back to who you were. That’s impossible. You walk now with a pronounced limp. Every step reminds you of the shattering blow you’ve experienced.
Take heart. You are not alone. You’re not crazy. You will get through this.
“I don’t know who I am or who I’ll become, but I’ll never be the same. I don’t want to be.”
Adapted from the award-winning bestseller, Shattered: Surviving the Loss of a Child. Watch the Shattered videos here: Gary, Michelle.
Question: Have you faced an identity crisis in your grief? What was that like? What helped?
In about 6 months time, I lost 3 of the most important people in my life. In July 2016, my beloved husband of 34 years, died suddenly, no chance to really say good-bye. In 30 hours since bringing him to emergency – he was gone, and our marriage was gone, and the life I so cherished with him was gone. I became a new widow, in a little over a day’s time, and how I HATE that word.. In September 2016, my dear Mom passed away peacefully in her sleep. I was her caregiver, she lived with us for 7 years, and she had dementia, could no longer speak, but was loving & responsive right up to the end. Then in January 2017, my best friend died of pancreatic cancer. She was one of the bravest souls I ever met, she fought against that horrible disease, even while trying to be supportive to me in my losing my husband, which nearly killed me. Everyday she would call me, and prod me into even getting out of bed, and pestered me into going on with life, even with baby steps, one tiny step at a time. It’s now over 2-1/2 years since my life went from full and happy, to lonely and for the most part, now living in the past, being jealous for the time I still had my people in my life. I recall the many times I would pick Ma up & take her shopping, and how we both enjoyed being together, she was my favorite traveling companion, and I sorely miss her. Driving around the same areas where I used to go with Mom, and later my husband only accentuates how lonely I am now, and how I just yearn for the past, when my family was intact, even remembering and sorely missing my wonderful Dad, who died 20 years ago.. I am 67 now, and it’s too late to start any other relationship, and I don’t want to anyway. I have no children, only my dogs & some other pets. They are what keep me going. I do have the Lord in my life, but unfortunately, can’t feel towards Him like I used to, probably because of these losses. I haven’t given up on Him, but the sadness loneliness & despair seem to suck up any positive emotions that I should feel towards Him. I am praying against these feelings, and try to stay active in church & my Girl’s ministry, and do have several good women friends, a widow’s group, and have gone to grief counseling sessions. God has been good to me, and has provided for me in many ways, and I know He understands me, better than I do myself. It’s just that these wounds are so hard to heal over, and the holes in my soul remain raw and hurting. I miss these 3 so very much, especially my beloved soul mate, my husband. I guess it’s just part of life, and the effects of sin in the world. Unfortunately, it has caused death – the the terrible loss it brings. And – also unfortunately, something we all must go thru – in some part, while on Earth. I long for Heaven & the ones gone on before. How true it is “this earth is not my home”. Your article wondered how loss attacks your identity, to describe it – I feel like an orphaned widow, I’m not a daughter, nor a wife any longer. So I guess I am just me, whatever is left in this person.
HI Karen. Thank you for sharing this. Goodness. Three huge losses, all lumped together. I’m so sorry. No wonder you feel as you do. I could sense and feel some of your pain in your words. I’m so thankful for the support you have, and that you’re still involved in serving others. I also get what you’re saying about feeling God’s love for you. You know He does, but experiencing it is being squeezed by the current emotional pain. Reminds me a bit of Job. He was convinced of who God was, and His goodness and His plan, but couldn’t emotionally get there due to the string of tragedies, pain, and grief in his life. I really believe that somehow, some way, God turns all this around and uses it for our good – even if it’s in eternity. He never wastes pain, in my opinion. But pain can certainly seem to have the upper hand here. Praying for you now. Please feel free to reach out here anytime. I’ll certainly be a sounding board and help however I can. Blessings to you…
Our family have had many many losses of parents sisters brothers cousins nieces nephews in past year and a half. The grieve is overwhelming
Hi Diane. Oh my. I’m so sorry. If there’s ever any way I can support you, please let me know. Praying for you now…
Thank you. You put into words something I couldn’t.
HI Alicia. Thanks for reading, and for your encouragement. Hope you are doing well.
I lost my daughter to cancer 6 years ago. On that day when she took her last breath so did I. Even today I just go thru the motions of being alive. That is what others expect of you to do. You never recover from the death of a child You just let people think you have. Time heals nothing so don’t say that to a parent that had to bury a child. That child should have buried you not the other way around. In a matter of speaking that parent died that same day.
Hi Bonnie. Thank you for sharing. I’m so sorry. about your daughter. Yes, it’s backwards, and the pain…Oh my. And you’re right – time does not heal all wounds. Far from it. Please keep being as kind to yourself as possible in this. If there’s every any way I can support you, please let me know.
My son died 4 years ago. I have gone through some of the stages mentioned here and more and still going through things . Many times I thought I was going crazy. This is very helpful. Thanks
Hi Kathy. Thanks for sharing. I’m so sorry about your son. I’ll bet it still feels like yesterday. No, you’re not crazy. Far from it. Please be patient with yourself. What a hard, hard road. If I can be of help, please let me know. Blessings…
It has been 3 years, 5 months, and 2 weeks since my Dave passed away. He was the love of my life and always will be. All I ever dreamed of, from the day we met, was to be his wife! And I finally was for 33 years! I felt very comfortable and happy in that role, the happiest days of my life! I still don’t know who I am other than Dave’s wife and really, I’m not that anymore, am I? I can’t turn back time and I must trust God with my future but it sure is confusing in this “who am I really?” role. I miss him still with every beat of my heart and still cry most days.
HI Vickie. Thanks for sharing this. I’m so sorry about Dave. He sounds like a truly wonderful guy. No wonder you feel as you do. A loss like this changes everything. Please breathe deeply and be patient with yourself. Everything is different, and that’s exhausting. If I can help, please let me know. Praying for you now…
I am learning to fake it real well. I no longer have dreams or hopes. I fill my day to escape the pain. I am grateful for my kids. They help me when I fall apart. I hate this new life, this new “normal.” I would love my old life back! I wish my husband were still with me!
Thank you for sharing. I’m so sorry. What a huge loss. I’m glad you have your kids. Normal is gone, and life seems to have flown away with it. Please feel free to share here, vent, or whatever.
Just this morning as I woke up after almost 4 years I questioned God why!! I don’t like being the mother that had to bury my child. I don’t like the part that I have been thrust into!
Hi Sandy. Thanks for sharing and for your honesty. Let it out and let it rip. This is not the life we wanted, at all. I’m so sorry. If there’s anything I can for you, please let me know. Praying for you now, Sandy.
It has been 2 1/2 years since the loss of my husband and I’m still in the discovery process. I am no longer a wife, a friend and a companion to the person I loved for many years. It has been a seismic shift in my life and how I think about myself. As hard as it has been. I have the Lord who walks with me daily helping me through, giving me hope.
Hi Joanne. Thank you for sharing with us. Still in the discovery process…I like that..that’s exactly what it is. It is certainly a seismic shift, as you said. Thankfully, the Lord knows and He feels what you feel. He gets it. I’m so glad he walks with us in this. His companionship is priceless. Praying for you now…