2018 was quite a year.
First, there were our own personal losses. Deaths. Separations. Estrangements. Illnesses. Rejections. Crushed hopes. The list could go on and on.
Then there was the world at large.
Political unrest, immigration challenges, market fluctuations, international tensions, random violence, and school shootings.
Earthquakes, tornadoes, fires, flooding, and natural disasters of almost every kind.
The passing of a president and a first lady.
After a year like that, most of us are wondering what 2019 might bring.
Grief is powerful and exhausting. It can feel like our world is shrinking. Thoughts of the future can become riddled with fear of more loss.
How do we handle this?
Each day brings bends in the road I didn’t see coming. I have zero control over world events, national crises, or any of the situations or people around me.
I don’t have control, but I do have influence.
You do too.
At this point, most of us think some version of, “I’m only one person. What difference can I make in the big scheme of things?”
The big scheme of things is made up of countless smaller puzzle pieces. The big picture is essentially made up of billions of individuals. The power of one (the influence of one person) can be extraordinary.
The power of one is all around us.
I look back at my life and see the power of one everywhere.
Mrs. Thomas, my first-grade teacher, instilled in me a love of learning. In second grade, Mrs. McShan made math exciting. In fourth grade, Mr. Rainey injected me with optimism. In sixth grade, Mrs. Richardson taught me to morph words into something meaningful.
Swim coaches Pickle, Tate, Rogers, and Lawson were profound influences in my life from age six through college. They taught me discipline, endurance, and gut-wrenching hard work.
Though he was gone by the time I was 15, my dad modeled a strong work ethic. He taught me that relationships are the key to business (and life).
In high school, the Wills family took me in and provided me with a profound sense of safety and stability. Living with them changed the trajectory of my life.
College mentors Tom and Lendol shaped me deeply. I learned that it’s not what happens, but how I interpret and respond to what happens that matters most. It’s not what I did, but what I do next that really counts now.
I’ve had the honor of receiving from many more influencers since. I heal and grow by standing on the shoulders of those who have gone before me. I continue to be the ongoing, continual recipient of the power of one.
Making some choices…
Here are four tips for us as we enter 2019 together.
1. Look back and be thankful.
Look back and take stock. See the influencers that surrounded you – parents, siblings, neighbors, coaches, teachers, bosses, friends, co-workers, public figures, etc.
Reminisce a bit about how they lived, what they said, and what they modeled for you.
Contemplate their impact on your life and how they served you, inspired you, or even rescued you.
The power of one is everywhere.
2. Decide what kind of influence you want to have.
Words and actions are preceded by thoughts and attitudes of the heart. This is where influence begins.
What kind of heart qualities do you want to cultivate?
Compassion? Kindness? Generosity? Humility? Peace? Patience? Something else?
Whatever we cultivate grows and bears fruit. Whatever we practice tends to become permanent.
The power of one comes from the heart.
3. Proactively feed yourself what you want to produce.
What we allow to come in our eyes, minds, and hearts deeply affects us.
One of my swim coaches put it this way: “Garbage in, garbage out.”
I’ve taken in enough garbage over the years and produced plenty too. Life is precious. The stakes are high. No time or energy to waste. Good stuff in. Good stuff out.
Life is caught as well as taught. It’s said we become the composite of the five people we’re around the most. It’s time to get around positive, inspiring, and loving influencers.
4. Get as healthy as possible.
We all have challenges. Our obstacles might be physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, vocational, financial, or relational. Whatever the case, the pursuit of overall health and wellness is crucial.
We can’t give away what we don’t have. Taking good care of ourselves is a profound way to express care and concern for those around us.
Looking ahead
What kind of person do you want to be in 2019?
What kind of influence do you want to have?
What heart qualities do you want to cultivate?
Look back. Take stock. Be thankful. Proactively feed yourself what you want to produce. Get as healthy as possible and stay there.
The power of one is real.
You’re one of a kind in human history. We need you. You are more important than you know.
Question: Have you made some decisions about your heart and 2019? Do any of the above tips resonate with you?
Hi Gary,
My 37 year old special needs daughter who functioned at a 4 year old level whom I consider the love of my life, was killed by gunshot by her mother (twice my ex wife) who then killed herself. This happened 22 months ago.
My daughter and I had a lovely relationship. Our love for each other was unique. I always told her that I loved her, adored her, made my life so joyful, that I delighted in her and more. This was all so true. Non verbal she was so I never received a verbal response. Until a few weeks before she died when unsolicited and well enunciated out of her precious mouth she uttered “I know”’
What a wonderful special gift those words were. Suffice it to say, I loved her dearly.
I attended 3 cycles of a 13 week program called Grief Share. They helped a lot. I have been meeting with a very god counselor for over 20 months. He has been very helpful. I now live near my son and his wife and two grandkids and that is very special. I attend a church I enjoy, a small group I enjoy, volunteer and play golf with new friends.
15 months into my grieving my primary challenges have been physical. Positional vertigo, lightheadedness, dizziness, balance problems, fatigue and heaviness inside my head and body.
I have been through a range of tests and all seems well physically. I am told that the symptoms I am experiencing are somatic effects of emotional pain.
I am accepting that but must say it is very challenging to live with the physical effects of grieving.
I am grateful for Grief Share and for my counselor and a psychiatrist is walking with me down this road.
Have you heard of others grieving experience the symptoms I am?
Do you have any advice? I eat well, drink plenty of water, exercise plenty at the gym and at home and in neighborhood, I am sleeping well though I wake up immediately with the same symptoms. I go to church and my small group regularly. Ihave a sweet relationship with Jesus. Am I missing anything?
Thank you and for all others that have written and prdyers for all for His peace, comfort and ongoing healing.
Hello Robert. Thanks so much for sharing this. Your daughter sounds wonderful. And your relationship was clearly unique, special, and delightful. I’m so glad you’ve gone to GriefShare – I’m very familiar with it. Also proud of you for seeking extra assistance. This is loss is massive, and complicated. You’re doing all the right things. You’re taking yourself and your heart seriously. You’re surrounding yourself with loving, supportive people. And the close, intimate relationship with Christ is the most valuable possession you have. And yes, I have heard of these kind of symptoms with seemingly no root in disease, linked to grief. I’ll begin praying about this. Given the situation, and the current timing – a little less than 2 years ago – these kind of physical manifestations are not all that surprising. I’m glad you’ve checked with physicians, and please continue to do so as you need and want to. Stay the course, Robert. Keep doing these things. Be very kind to yourself. I would hope that, in time, you would see these symptoms change, become less intense, and get better. That’s what I’m praying for…
Gary, I just happened upon this while searching “dealing with grief”. I lost my husband in 2017. We were married on New Year’s eve, 1989. This spoke to me. This gives me new perspective as I continue living with my grief. Each day is a challenge. My youngest daughter (college, lives with me) has had to watch me grieve and told me, “mom, your feelings influence me”. Since then, I’d cry in private. I’d never mention my loneliness or how much I miss her father. I pray this article can help me to be cognizant of the influence I make from now on. I’m glad I found you. God bless you.
HI Melissa. Thank you for commenting, and I’m so sorry about your husband. That loss changes everything. Please be very kind to yourself in this. If there’s anything I can ever do for you, please let me know. Blessings to you…
Days can be so sad from the loss. Trying to keep the memories fresh. Following some of the persons routines, filling some of time with the things they loved to do. Trying to find things thay will become our new daily living to bring peace, joy and contentment. Searching for who we are without them. Lots of tears, so sad and missing all the things we shared.
Thank you for sharing this. So true. So very, very true.
after over 4 years of losing my only daughter , I am still in a fog and daze,and having so much PAIN and hard to do many things, she was a abused woman…. she called me the day before she past away.. I could not hear what she was saying…. I know now she wanted me to help her, I feel like I failed her !!! how can I live with this !?? SO HEART BROKEN !!!!
HI Joyce. I’m so sorry. What a tragic memory. No wonder you tussle with this. No wonder the guilt is strong. Please be kind to yourself, somehow. If I can help in any way, please let me know. I’m praying for you now…
Joyce, I lost my daughter this past year in April. I found her in bed, dead from an epileptic seizure. I understand the depth of your sorrow. My heart breaks for you and I want to encourage you that no matter what, our sovereign, all-knowing God knew the days of your daughter’s and my daughter’s life. I’ve gone round and round about if I would have been there to help her this time, she would still be alive. The pillow that gave her many sweet dreams was the pillow that suffocated her as she lay helpless after her seizure. I can sense your precious mother’s heart and no matter how your daughter died, you would still be filled with regret for one reason or another. I was extremely close with my daughter and I still have regrets, but I know that our regrets are rooted in misplaced trust. I mean, as moms we’re supposed to take care of our children. I get that. But there is a line where our earthly protection ends at the mercy of our Father. There is only one God and through our relationship with Christ, we must cling to His promises and trust that no matter if we were there to help or not, our daughter’s days were already numbered and we were not in control. You did not fail her. Death is the last enemy of man. The great thing is that if know Christ, this life is not the end. Heaven awaits us where there will be no more sorrow or pain. No more losing children, no more guilt, only pure joy where sin no longer causes death. I’m praying for you right now that if you don’t know Christ, you will come to know him and if you do, that you will join me and lean into Him through his word and godly counsel of other believers. I’m so so sorry for your loss. I understand completely. “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.” ~ Psalm 46:1
HI Michelle. Thanks so much for sharing and for replying to and supporting Joyce. I’m so sorry about your daughter. Thank goodness, this world is not all there is – far from it. We get to lean a little more into eternity each day. Deepen our faith, Lord. Praying for you now. Please feel free to let me know if there’s anything I can do for you.
Very encouraging ❤️ Thank you
Hi Alicia. Thanks for commenting! Hope you are doing well.
All of the tips are perfect to follow in 2019? Thanks and Happy New Year to you.
Hi Frances. Thanks for commenting. You’re welcome. Glad to be here! Blessings…
Thank you, this was very helpful. I am in kind of a slump at times and forget how important my influence can be on others. I am here for a reason and cannot bind my soul to grief but have to go on. In 2016 my son committed suicide after killing his wife, his 7 year old son and 10 year old step son. Result of total despair in a bad divorce. It was devastating but they were all saved and are with Jesus which is my only comfort.
Hi Julia. Thank you for sharing. I’m so sorry. What a tragic story – and so traumatic for you too. No wonder you feel like you’re in a slump from time to time. I’m so proud of you for not giving up and going into a deep pit. Please be kind to yourself, and use that grief for good…as I am certain you are doing. I’m here, if I can help. Blessings to you…
Would you address people with dementia. My Mom is 96 years old and has had dementia for over 8 years. She is in a nursing home and can’t see, can’t walk and her brain continues to fail. Physically, she has nothing major this is failing. It breaks my heart everytime I see her. People like me that are going through this with their Mothers, Fathers, Spouses and other family members. Thank you, Helaine
Hi Helanie. I was just thinking about this topic this morning. I’ll put it on my list. I see this every day in my work with hospice. Heartbreaking. It’s so gut-wrenching for family. I’m so sorry. Please reach out to me if I can help. Praying for you now…
Gary, This is the best advice anyone can receive. Thank you for sharing this with us. God Bless you in the New Year and much luck with Facebook. I have several people in my group who’s child died by their own hand. I’ll ask if they’d like to help with your new book it’s one that is needed to be out there you seem to always know what’s needed. Thank you for all your work
HI Joy. Good to hear from you! And thank you for the encouragement and for passing along the request for help with this new book. Thank you for being you and for making a difference – a big one! Blessings to you…