One Sunday afternoon during the holidays, I ran into Chris and Karen in the grocery store. They seemed to be moving in slow motion, shuffling their feet and staring blankly ahead. I was almost on top of them before they noticed me. They looked exhausted.

“Hey guys. Are you okay?” I asked.

They looked at one another, and then Chris said, “Actually, no. When Karen’s mom passed away, we knew the holidays were going to be hard, but we never dreamed they would be like this.”

“I’ve never been so tired and frustrated in my life,” Karen added, and began to cry.

 

Grief is exhausting.

Grief is terribly draining. You’re going to be tired. You’ll need more rest than usual. The routine activities of life will seem overwhelming at times.

That’s because your gas tank is near empty. Perhaps you’re running on fumes.

When you have a limited supply of gas in the tank and no viable opportunity to fill up any time soon, what do you do?

Limit how much you drive. Drive in a cost-efficient, wise manner. And keep a close eye on the gas tank.

What does that mean for the holidays?

Be wise.

Make good choices.

You’re most likely going to have to do less.

Knowing why you do what you do on holidays is important. Usually, holiday activities fit into one of the following categories:

“It’s tradition.”

Traditions are rituals handed down across generations that have meaning for you and other family members. These activities are part of your family identity.

Most likely some if not all your holiday traditions involved your loved one somehow. Do you want to continue that tradition this year? If so, how? If possible, include family members in the process.

What do they want to do with that tradition this year?

What seems most consistent with the situation and where family members are in their grief?

What would honor your loved one the most?

As you discuss this with family, usually things will come to resolution quickly. And most importantly, you’ve talked about the huge elephant in the room – your departed loved one and how you’re going to celebrate this holiday without them.

 

“I have to!”

It’s amazing how much of our holidays revolve around what we sense we must do – our obligations.

What are your typical holiday obligations?  Do you have to do that this year? If it must be done, do you have to do it?

You’re running on much less than a full tank. Obligations use gas that might be needed for more things of higher priority.

 

“That’s just the way I do it!”

Some holiday activities are habits. We’ve always done them or done them in a certain way. Unlike traditions, habits have little to no intrinsic meaning to them. They’re just our routine.

Routine is important, however, especially in times of emotional distress or upheaval. Habits give us a sense of control, which is comforting when we’re journeying through unfamiliar territory.

Which of your holiday activities fall into the habit category?

Do you want to keep that habit this year?

Is that habit comforting to you, or is it time to make a change?

 

“I want to.” 

I-want-to stuff is massively important. It falls into the just-because category and doesn’t need to make sense to anyone else.

What do you want to do this holiday, how, when, and with whom?

Again, the key words are want-to.

Remember, there’s only so much you can do. Guard you heart. Make wise choices. You’ll be glad you did.

In summary, here are 3 steps to holiday decision-making when you’re grieving:

  1. Be aware of your typical holiday activities. Make a list. Label them according to whether they are traditions, obligations, habit, or want-tos. Does anything strike you about your list?
  2. Decide how you’re going to handle holiday traditions. Be sure to try and include family members in this process (this will help manage everyone’s expectations).
  3. Determine what you want to do, how, when, and with whom. You get to choose.

 

I will watch my gas tank carefully.

This holiday I will choose what I’m going to do, when, and with whom.

 

Adapted from the Book Excellence Award Finalist, Surviving the Holidays Without You. Grab your copy today – or download a free excerpt here.

Question: What holiday challenges are you facing? What do you sense might help you the most in making decisions during this season?

Additional Resource: When grief and holidays collide, it can be messy. Please check out my article on ThriveGlobal, 3 Tips for When Grief Collides with Your Holiday Celebrations. Breathe deeply. You are not alone.

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