One Sunday afternoon during the holidays, I ran into Chris and Karen in the grocery store. They seemed to be moving in slow motion, shuffling their feet and staring blankly ahead. I was almost on top of them before they noticed me. They looked exhausted.
“Hey guys. Are you okay?” I asked.
They looked at one another, and then Chris said, “Actually, no. When Karen’s mom passed away, we knew the holidays were going to be hard, but we never dreamed they would be like this.”
“I’ve never been so tired and frustrated in my life,” Karen added, and began to cry.
Grief is exhausting.
Grief is terribly draining. You’re going to be tired. You’ll need more rest than usual. The routine activities of life will seem overwhelming at times.
That’s because your gas tank is near empty. Perhaps you’re running on fumes.
When you have a limited supply of gas in the tank and no viable opportunity to fill up any time soon, what do you do?
Limit how much you drive. Drive in a cost-efficient, wise manner. And keep a close eye on the gas tank.
What does that mean for the holidays?
Be wise.
Make good choices.
You’re most likely going to have to do less.
Knowing why you do what you do on holidays is important. Usually, holiday activities fit into one of the following categories:
“It’s tradition.”
Traditions are rituals handed down across generations that have meaning for you and other family members. These activities are part of your family identity.
Most likely some if not all your holiday traditions involved your loved one somehow. Do you want to continue that tradition this year? If so, how? If possible, include family members in the process.
What do they want to do with that tradition this year?
What seems most consistent with the situation and where family members are in their grief?
What would honor your loved one the most?
As you discuss this with family, usually things will come to resolution quickly. And most importantly, you’ve talked about the huge elephant in the room – your departed loved one and how you’re going to celebrate this holiday without them.
“I have to!”
It’s amazing how much of our holidays revolve around what we sense we must do – our obligations.
What are your typical holiday obligations? Do you have to do that this year? If it must be done, do you have to do it?
You’re running on much less than a full tank. Obligations use gas that might be needed for more things of higher priority.
“That’s just the way I do it!”
Some holiday activities are habits. We’ve always done them or done them in a certain way. Unlike traditions, habits have little to no intrinsic meaning to them. They’re just our routine.
Routine is important, however, especially in times of emotional distress or upheaval. Habits give us a sense of control, which is comforting when we’re journeying through unfamiliar territory.
Which of your holiday activities fall into the habit category?
Do you want to keep that habit this year?
Is that habit comforting to you, or is it time to make a change?
“I want to.”
I-want-to stuff is massively important. It falls into the just-because category and doesn’t need to make sense to anyone else.
What do you want to do this holiday, how, when, and with whom?
Again, the key words are want-to.
Remember, there’s only so much you can do. Guard you heart. Make wise choices. You’ll be glad you did.
In summary, here are 3 steps to holiday decision-making when you’re grieving:
- Be aware of your typical holiday activities. Make a list. Label them according to whether they are traditions, obligations, habit, or want-tos. Does anything strike you about your list?
- Decide how you’re going to handle holiday traditions. Be sure to try and include family members in this process (this will help manage everyone’s expectations).
- Determine what you want to do, how, when, and with whom. You get to choose.
I will watch my gas tank carefully.
This holiday I will choose what I’m going to do, when, and with whom.
Adapted from the Book Excellence Award Finalist, Surviving the Holidays Without You. Grab your copy today – or download a free excerpt here.
Question: What holiday challenges are you facing? What do you sense might help you the most in making decisions during this season?
Additional Resource: When grief and holidays collide, it can be messy. Please check out my article on ThriveGlobal, 3 Tips for When Grief Collides with Your Holiday Celebrations. Breathe deeply. You are not alone.
My husband of 45 years died in January from ALS. I feel like there is a rock of sorrow in my chest. Nothing will ever be the same. Do not really enjoy much of anything. Would like to have joy in my soul again.
Hi Lee. Oh no. I’m so sorry about your husband. I can’t imagine. No wonder you don’t enjoy much of anything right now. Please be kind to yourself. Guard your heart…I know there are a lot of painful grief triggers out there this time of year. And please feel free to write and share here anytime. Blessings to you…
This is just a hard time of year. I miss my son so much. This was his favorite time of the year. Love and miss you so much son.
Hi Cynthia. Thanks for sharing. I’m so sorry about your son. Yes, this time of year can be so hard.
Thank you for sharing Cynthia….this is my third Christmas with my only, no children son, and appears to be the worst Christmas – first was I was totally shut down and second similar feelings. Now reality has appeared. I love and miss you so much David…. can’t still get my head around it and feel very vulnerable and very much alone. Memories are still hard to bear. I thank God I had him in my life for his years on earth. God bless, RIP my darling.
Thank you for sharing. I’m so sorry about David. And yes, the loneliness and vulnerability can be very, very deep. If there’s ever anything I can do to support you, please let me know.
Just to let you know how much I enjoy your grieving news letters. It has been overwhelming since I lost my husband 8 months ago. I don’t want to do anything this holiday season but my daughter would be upset if I didn’t come for dinner at her house. I hope it goes fast. I smell his clothes, his pillow hoping I get a whiff of him. I never thought it would be so hard. Thank you for your help.
HI Janet. Thanks for sharing this. I’m so sorry about your husband. Yes, that loss changes everything. No wonder you feel as you do. Please be kind to yourself and patient with yourself, especially at this time of year.
This will be my third Christmas without my beloved soulmate – my husband of 34 years. He passed away quickly and without much warning, in July 2016. Although the initial shock has worn off, and people remark “how well I am doing”, inside I am still a mushy sorrow filled mess. I will never get over his passing. We were both Christians, and although I am happy he is rejoicing in Heaven, there’s not a lot of rejoicing down here. I wish I was there with him. I see family members & friends with their mates – planning for the holidays, and I feel terribly alone. No kids or grandkids to help absorb some of the ongoing sorrow either. I guess people do not realize that when one has lost their much loved spouse, we are never the same person, and are changed forever. No one to share intimate times with, when you can let your guard down, and be yourself with your other half. No one to talk over the issues of everyday life, or plan for the near future. For my husband & myself, the near future never came. Little did either of us know that the drive to Emergency would be his last. Our life turned into suspended animation, interrupted and never to be gotten back to, when I drove him away from our life we so cherished, to get him the help he needed. Our life together hit that proverbial brick wall, and there was no going back to the love and security we had with each other.
I know that people don’t mean to “rub it” in my face, but prattling on & on about their holiday plans with their intact marriage & family hurts so much. And it’s not like we want to deprive them of their joy – it’s just so wrongfully missing for us. It is an impossible situation at times. They often want you to not be alone, will invite you over & do their good deed for the season. But- they don’t realize they cannot give us what we want most – our other half back, so many times, we just want to be left alone with our own memories. Often times our social circle of friends & family think by this time – we should be “over it”. They do not realize that we will never be the same person, and some of us don’t even want to date, because for us, we have lost that once in a lifetime love. I just wish they would respect that, and somehow validate our sorrow & loneliness. Talk about our departed spouse – we want to share memories, not pretend they never existed. For myself – I wish it was January 2nd already…
Hi Karen. Thanks so much for sharing this. I’m so sorry about your husband. Your love for him zooms out from the page and permeates every word. What a terrible loss. Many can relate to your words, having experienced similar changes and obstacles on their grief journeys. You are so right. And so well said too. Again, thank you for sharing. If I can ever be of any help to you, please let me know. Blessings to you…
Thank you
Reading this made me feel like I am not crazy or feeling unreasonable or selfish.
Hi Holly. Thanks for sharing this. Good. Take care of yourself. Holidays are hard enough while grieving, without the expectations of others tied into the mix. Please be kind to yourself.