Sal and Mildred called themselves December people. They were both born in December and were married on Christmas Eve. “We partied all month long!” Mildred said.

When Mildred passed in early December, Sal wasn’t surprised.

“She waited until our party month. Now she’s having a party in heaven,” he said.

Sal looked down at his coffee and sighed. “I don’t know how I’m going to make it. What am I going to do?”

Sal’s heart had taken a serious hit, and just the thought of the holiday season was overwhelming.

Your heart matters.

Your most prized possession is your heart. Without it you cannot be in relationship, give or receive love, or live with any kind of meaning or purpose. Your heart defines who you are. As King Solomon said over 3000 years ago, “The heart is the spring from which everything else flows.”

The world isn’t easy on hearts. Pain and disappointment hammer us. Disaster and tragedy strike. Negativity swirls around us like a cloud of gnats. Anxiety and anger grow.

We get socked with devastating losses. Our hearts tremble.

These things threaten to silence your heart. You can’t afford to let that happen.

Take King Solomon’s advice. Guard your heart.

How do you do that?

1. Take your heart seriously.

You’re grieving. Grief takes immense energy. Your heart needs time to recover. This isn’t a sprint, but a marathon. Pace yourself.

“Grieving is the hardest work I’ve ever done. It’s like I got hit by a truck. I’ll be recovering for a long time,” said Samantha, who lost her husband.

You’ve been hit by a truck. Take your heart seriously.

2. Protect your heart from danger

Here are some things to watch out for:

The Busy-ness Trap

Holidays are busy. There are family activities, special events, civic celebrations, and church services. We plan, prepare, and go shopping (even in the middle of the night).

‘Tis the season to be stressed out, fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la…

It’s a trap. Don’t get snared by it.

Kris, who lost her mother, shared, “The best thing I did this holiday season was to slow down. It was tough, but I’m so glad I did. It was hard enough as it was.”

Under normal circumstances, holidays are incredibly challenging. You’re trying to adjust to a new normal, and you need breathing room. Too much activity squeezes your heart and hinders healthy grieving.

The Expectation Treadmill

Expectations. Everybody has them.  This holiday can’t be about pleasing others and making people happy. People-pleasing is a never-ending treadmill. Once you step on, it’s hard to get off. The longer you stay on, the faster the treadmill goes. You end up exhausting yourself while going nowhere.

“People were disappointed when I didn’t do some of the usual things this year. Things aren’t the same. I’d have been faking it,” said Steve, a bereaved parent.

Don’t get on the expectation treadmill. Make these holidays work for you instead.

The Santa Syndrome

Who doesn’t want to play Santa Clause? But Ho-ho-ho isn’t exactly where you’re at right now. You may be tempted to hide your grief to somehow convince everyone that you’re okay. You think that perhaps if you give, give, give, you can escape the pain.

Here’s what John, a widower, shared: “I tried to run from the pain. I wore a mask, trying to convince myself and others I was fine. Stuffing my grief led to some terrible decisions.”

You’re not Santa, at least not right now. Guard your heart by giving yourself permission to grieve at Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, anniversaries, and birthdays.

3. Be proactive in your choices

People who don’t do what’s good for them in times of grief usually end up resenting it (and the other people involved) later. Don’t let the holidays use you. You have a choice about where to go, what to be involved in, and with whom.

“I can’t control everything, but I do have control over some things. I’m trying to focus on grieving well,” said Clark, who lost his son.

You have choices. You can make wise ones that help you honor your loved one and grieve well.

Take time with your own heart. Get in touch with what’s going on inside. Acknowledge what you’re feeling. Be nice to yourself.

Guard your heart. Take care of it. You’ll thank yourself later.

If I want to do the holidays well, I must pay attention to my heart.

 

Adapted from the Book Excellence Award Finalist, Surviving the Holidays Without You. Grab your copy (paperback, eBook, or audio) or download a free excerpt today.  

Question: Which are you most likely to fall into this holiday: The Busy-ness Trap, the Expectation Treadmill, or the Santa Syndrome? What can you do about that?