When loss hits, our world changes. This includes our relationships. People around us tend to over-promise but under-deliver in terms of supporting us in meaningful ways. This leads to more loss.
From the Grieving Heart:
This would be easier if it weren’t for the people around me. At least, that’s the way it feels.
Right after you left, people were everywhere. Tears. Hugs. “I’m so sorry.” “I’m here for you.” “Whatever you need.”
Where did they all go? They disappeared. Evaporated into thin air. Poof!
No one has called, texted, or emailed. No one has made the effort to check on me. No one has mentioned your name. When I’m with people, they pretend like nothing ever happened.
But something has happened. You’re gone, and you’re not coming back. My heart is broken. I’m in pieces. No one notices. They just step over the rubble and continue on.
I’m not saying that no one has been helpful. Some have. I’m not saying that everyone is insensitive. Some have been kind and caring. I’m saying that most people seem to want to wish this away, and the result is that I feel invisible, crushed, and abandoned.
Losing you was more than enough. I hadn’t counted on the betrayal of others.
Yeah, I’m angry.
Each loss has profound ripple effects.
When loss strikes, it affects more than you may have realized at first. A strand of your life web has been severed and now everything feels unsettled. Other strands get strained and stretched. Some might fray under the strain.
Here are 5 things to remember when these inevitable changes strike:
1. Relationships are always changing.
Relationships are dynamic. They never stay still. We’re always growing closer or more distant, usually in small, hardly perceptible ways. When we lose someone, our relationships are jostled. We head into a season of grief and pain.
2. Relationships are precious – now more than ever.
Our relationships become more precious to us and we need the support and love of others during this time. Unfortunately, few people know how to care for a grieving heart. When we don’t know what to do, we often end up doing nothing. People tend to distance themselves from pain and suffering.
3. Some people will not come through for you.
The initial loss often results in other losses. People don’t come through for you, and you feel hurt, betrayed, or even abandoned. Your sense of loneliness grows, and so does your anger. Your heart, longing to be seen, heard, and cared for, is further devastated and wants to slink away into hiding.
4. Grief is often lonely because your loss is unique.
Loss is painful, and grief is a lonely, rocky road. Finding good traveling companions can be difficult and challenging. No one understands how you feel. It’s your loss and your life. It is your grief – uniquely yours.
5. Give yourself permission to grieve over these new relational losses.
When those you counted on don’t even bother to show up, angry disappointment is the natural result. Give yourself permission to hurt over these new losses. Find healthy ways to express the anger that comes.
Thankfully, not everyone will disappear. Others you haven’t counted on will step forward. New people will surface. You might feel alone, but this grief road is well populated with fellow travelers. Thankfully, you aren’t the only passenger on this roller-coaster.
Affirmation:
Though some people might disappoint me, I will grieve as best I can, given the circumstances.
Adapted from Comfort for Grieving Hearts: Hope and Encouragement for Times of Loss. To get your copy, or to download a free excerpt, click here.
Question: Have others disappointed you in your grief process? What have you found helpful in dealing with this?
I’ve been a widow now for just over 5 months & one of the main things I have struggled with is putting the hurt behind me caused by friends who cannot seem to support me as I grieve. I had to address it with a certain couple as we had been friends for over 30 years & the man has not talked to me since my husband’s passing, let alone ask if I am doing okay. We are neighbours too so there were some uncomfortable moments this summer when I came face to face with them. Addressing it recently lead to a major discussion with the wife who put the blame on me for not going ‘down’ & telling them. She felt (for the last 5 months) that they would just leave me alone & when I was up to it I would go visit. She let her husband know about our conversation (he is away) & I since received a text from him also putting it on me to be the one to reach out, but he did say he was sorry I felt the way I did but he in no way disrespected me. I’m still at a loss really as to what to do but I let the husband know that we see things quite differently & that I was putting it behind me. I don’t think I can deal with them anymore.
Hi Kathy. I’m so sorry about your husband. And I’m sorry about this situation. This is all too common. People don’t approach, keep their distance, and wait for us to reach out. But if we did reach out, what would they do? Who knows? It would be nice if they would just make an initial effort to touch base and then to maintain contact. Sounds like there may be more going on here – for them – under the surface. You need to feel emotionally safe. You’re vulnerable enough at present without entrusting your heart to people who will not take it seriously. Perhaps they are safe people – I don’t know. But chances are you have a sense of this. Pay attention to your heart. And please reach out when you want to and need to. I’m here to help, if I can.
Thank you Gary. Your emails are always timely, on target, and helpful. Your follow -up has been great!
Hi Julie. Thank you for your encouragement. I’m so glad the emails are helpful. If I can ever do anything for you, please give me shout!
I lost my Mother 5 months ago and it’s been about 3 months since anyone who lives close to me even asked how I am doing. They all know I lived with her my whole life, was her main carer for 6 years and that we have always had an unusually close relationship. Even my closest friend here has just withdrawn from me which is inexplicable because she knew how deeply I was struggling with this loss and she is a counsellor. I didn’t expect her to counsel me but I did think I would have her friendship and support in this. The truth is that everyone is too busy and seem to think I’ve had enough time to grieve. I am grateful for four dear friends who live in other countries who have kept in touch and shown care. I am also so aware of God’s presence with me. I honestly may not have survived this long without that. If I learn anything from this I hope it will be to care for others who are bereaved in the future and let them know they are not forgotten. For now I am just doing my best to make it from day to day with God’s help.
Hi Ruth. I’m so sorry about your mom. Goodness…what a wonderful and long history you have with her. No wonder you’re hurting. And yes…people will usually give you about a month or two and then expect you to be back to “normal.” That normal is gone, and they can’t understand that, and probably don’t want to either. Thank goodness for those 4 friends of yours! And yes, the Lord is with you in this, and feels what you feel. He is a master at walking with us through grief. He knows. He gets it. And He loves you more than you can comprehend. He is your constant companion. If I can ever help, please let me know. Blessings to you, Ruth.
Unfortunately yes, they all hurt a little, they all chip away at your heart, some more than others. Why do we have to keep suffering through more, wasn’t losing my soulmate enough? Now I have also lost my other best friend of 25yrs, how is this even possible that she has let me down when I need her the most. I don’t understand how most people can show empathy just fine at the beginning but then suddenly BOOM they forget how to show empathy or is it actually that they have just grown a little bored with my new grieving life now and they don’t want to play anymore by being a loyal supporting friend. They have no idea how much more pain they’re causing me to feel by rubbing all that jagged salt deep into my infected wounds that threaten to spill what’s left of my broken heart. Another friend recently even told me that ‘it’s not a competition’ when I pointed out that he actually didn’t know the intense crippling pain that I now suffered from every single day of my life after he made the passing comment to me that he knows how I feel. How does their brain turn the logical sense off while comparing & rationalizing their behaviors towards my grief? My former best friend of 25yrs (the first one I spoke of) has apologized to me now, 1.5yrs later after I removed her from my life. I haven’t responded as yet because I actually have no words to say to her that can explain how I feel and I’m too scared to chance our friendship again because I’m convinced she will repeat history and I just don’t want to ever have to go through the pain she has caused me again, it’s her turn to feel the stinging in her eyes from crying too much in one day for a change. YES I’m way too angry with her to let this go yet, I’m done with holding in my pain & anger anymore because I have way too much of it to suffer in silence as I have in the past. I need to be supported, it’s MY turn now so hit the highway Jack and don’t you come back no more no more no more no more!!
Feels good to get that off my chest finally, thank you Gary
Hi Tania. Thank you for sharing this. I’m so sorry. Yes…many of us have had similar experiences where some seems safe and is empathetic, and then wham – they judge and belittle all of a sudden. It’s like their ability to handle our grief suddenly ran out. The reality is that they don’t have to handle our grief and shouldn’t even try. Just be with us in it and let us emote and express our grief. It shouldn’t be that difficult, but the problem is that our grief triggers theirs, and they don’t want to go there. It frightens them, and it comes across in judgment. And that song runs through my head alot…and it certainly will now that you’ve mentioned it! Please feel free to vent anytime, Tania. Blessings…
I have found my in-laws difficult to understand. They seem to have drifted off and forgotten my family and me.
Hi Jane. I’m so sorry. Yes, that can happen. Loss does funny things to relationships. Please be kind to yourself in this and know that their reactions are more about them than about you and your grief.
When I have been disappointed I go to the Lord in prayer and ask Him to help me to be forgiving and to comfort me. Ultimately, He will work in an unexpected way , even bringing someone new into my life or changing my situation. God is my refuge always!
Hi Kate. Thanks for sharing this. So true. And I concur from my own life too. We lean into Him. He is the ultimate Healer and Guide through these valleys. Blessings to you…
Just let them go. Nothing will ever be the same. You come to accept this slowly. You can either be bitter or better. It’s our choice. Each one of us has a purpose and plan for our lives or we wouldn’t be here. Our loved one would want us to go on and be the best we can be. Not to forget but move forward
Hi Gaydee. Thanks for sharing this. Very well said. Thank you! Please feel free to share anytime!
Truer words were never spoken. It has been 8 months since I lost my adult daughter and I notice when I mention her name to friends they tend to change the subject. I feel they have a hard time talking about her. I want to keep her memory alive. Even my husband says ” when you talk about her it makes me too sad”.
Consequently I have changed the way I act toward others who have lost a loved one. I reach out to them often just to let them know I care….and am there to listen.
Hi Judith. Thank you for sharing this. And bravo for turning these things around and using them for good. Yes…we remember, and then use it to bring comfort to others. Listen, listen, listen. Our world needs more listeners. Thank you for being one of them. Blessings…
Thank you. Your articles are a great help.
HI Jean. You’re welcome! Glad to be in this together!