“I wander. I drift. I have no purpose. Everything feels meaningless,” Mark said.
“Me too. I’m just here. That’s all,” Melanie added.
Mark and Melanie’s daughter Faith was their third child. After two normal, healthy pregnancies and deliveries, Faith’s entry into the world was complicated. She was born with a rare syndrome and was immediately transferred to another hospital for specialized treatment.
Faith did not improve. After several weeks, it was deemed best to remove her from life support. She was 25 days old.
“When her heart stopped, mine stopped too. I have a family, a good life, and a good marriage, yet I wonder why I’m here,” Melanie said.
Loss shakes our sense of purpose and meaning
Loss and the resulting grief process will surprise you. Here are five unexpected yet common surprises that will most likely come knocking.
1. Your sense of identity will be challenged.
The death of a loved one reaches the inmost part of your heart and soul. Your sense of identity can be hard hit. Your view of life, yourself, God, and everything else gets hauled before your internal review board. Your wonderings multiply.
How could this happen? What now? Who are you? Why are you here?
In other words, you might find yourself in an identity crisis.
In grief, many can feel like a small, lifeless twig, floating swiftly downstream in a rocky river. You get banged up. You’re exhausted. You might feel powerless, swept along by this irresistible current you have no say in and no control over.
2. Your sense of purpose might be rattled (or shattered).
Yet, there is sense in which we can use the swift current of our grief to honor our loved one and help ourselves adjust and recover. Part of this includes recovering, redefining, or discovering (perhaps for the first time) our purpose.
Nothing can bring perspective to life like death. We see people, life, and events more clearly. We have new eyes. We now know anything can happen to anyone at any time.
This can either crush us, or spur us on to make the most of every day, even each moment. The stakes are high. How we live and respond to this loss matters deeply – not just for ourselves, but for all those around us. Living well in the midst of all this will demand a clear sense of purpose.
3. Your roles in life will be shaken (or upended).
Parent, spouse, daughter, son, brother, sister, aunt, uncle, or grandparent. Doctor, lawyer, insurance agent, homemaker, nurse, teacher, cashier, construction specialist, customer service associate, dentist, etc. These are roles we occupy. Crucial, important roles. The problem with roles is that they change. Something happens, and the role can be taken from us.
Your purpose must be bigger than any role you have – even larger than all your roles put together. Your purpose is what drives what you do (your roles) and how you do them.
4. Your life’s purpose might get adjusted (or completely overhauled).
Is our purpose to serve others? Love others? Treat others as we would have them treat us? Make a positive impact in the world?
What do we want to leave behind? What kind of legacy do we want to shower upon those we love and care about?
Whatever you decide your purpose is, it will include every role you have, and yet transcend them all. It is the driving force behind your relationships, family, job, and career. The more connected your life is under one single purpose, the more focused, intentional, and meaningful life becomes.
5. As you grieve well, you will be blessed, heal, and grow.
Our departed loved ones can assist us in discovering and defining our life’s purpose. This is part of their legacy to us. We can use our grief to honor them by living more intentionally than ever.
Grief packs hidden blessings. As you take your heart seriously, surround yourself with helpful people, and do what you know to do to take care of yourself and grieve well, healing and growth will take place. Your life will be forever different – including living with more focus and purpose.
“I’ll honor you by living the most meaningful life I can. I’ll live with purpose.”
Adapted from the 2017 Best Book Awards Finalist and Amazon bestseller, Shattered: Surviving the Loss of a Child.
Question: Has your sense of purpose taken a hit? What has been helpful to you in this area?
Additional Resource: Grieving well – in healthy ways – is a challenge. Check out my article on Dr. Laura’s site, 5 Steps to Grieving Well so You can Live Well. Please share this post and article and help us reach more grieving hearts. Together we can make a difference.
Thank you for publishing this as it clearly summarizes everything that I have come to believe about the great losses in my life. The only thing I would like to add to it that I journaled today is that I now know with certainty that nothing that Satan can throw at me in this life can wrestle me out of the grip of God’s hands upon my life.
Hi Bonnie. Thanks for sharing this. I wholeheartedly agree! Well put. Please be patient with yourself as God continues to work for you good in all this. And please reach out here anytime. Blessings…
I lost my younger brother March 19 2016. A dui driver took his life. I cry everyday. I’m so lost without him. I always took care of him. Just like he was mine. My life was forever changed. There is not enough words to describe my pain. I love & miss him every second of every day
Hi Toni. Oh no. I’m so sorry about your brother. What a sudden, terrible loss. Yes, you’re right. Your life is forever different. Please be kind to yourself as you travel this unexpected and unpredictable road. And please feel free to reach out here anytime. We’re here.
Find #5 impossible. Don’t want to live, intentionally or otherwise. So, I’m here in body because suicide would definitely upset my husband. I need to see him, be with him, even if it means living in this hell on earth until I get to leave. It’s horrible.
Hi Barb. I’m so sorry. I know I say that a lot. Perhaps I really don’t know what to say. Please continue to share and reach out. Blessings to you, my friend…
Thank you so much. How helpful…
Hi Billie. Thanks for your kindness and support. Blessings…
At this moment l feel ever so lonely and isolated. My sons father walked out 35 years ago and left me with the chilren l had to get in the work force and find money etc for a house etc for my children.. It has been beyond how overwhelming it was. Now my son has died at 50 with Parkinson’s. There father has children from his second marriage and he has their company and support and l am here on my own it is so hard to believe this to will pass Where is my God in all this
jan flynn
Hi Jan. Oh my. I’m so sorry about your son. And about all that happened along the way before that – and all that’s happened since. No wonder you’re feeling as you are. And no wonder you feel lonely and isolated. We naturally tend to think that God treats us like other people do – especially when He doesn’t seem to protect us from things we feel we need protecting from. I only know that He is in this with you and feels what you feel. He knows all about abandonment, being forsaken, not being seen or appreciated, suffering, pain, and loneliness. He experiences almost all of these continually, I believe. He knows. Please feel free to reach out anytime. Feel free to email or whatever. I’m here to help and encourage, if I can.
Boy, this one hit home. I’ve been on a journey to find my new purpose since my husband died 3 years ago. I believe I have found it, & what a surprise & joy it is!
Hi Karen. Thanks so much for sharing this. I’m thrilled for you. Use that grief for fuel to make a difference. I know you are and will! Blessings…
Gary, of everything you have sent out, THIS was the most true for my life. When my husband of 32 years died from cancer, I felt like I didn’t know who I was any longer. For 32 years I and been Johnny’s wife, soulmate, best friend, and lover. Now, our children were grown and didn’t need me as much, and my husband was gone, leaving me without the role as his wife. Why was I still here? What was my purpose, and just who is Karen? It has been 3 years, and I am just mow finding the answer to those questions. I have had to learn who I am, as an individual. What do I like to do in my spare time? All the things I thought I knew about myself, were only what I knew about myself with a Partner. Thank you so much, people just have not understood when I expressed these feelings.
Hi Karen. Thank you for sharing this and for the way you shared it. I know SO many of us have experienced what you’ve written here – all in our own, unique ways. Yes…redefining ourselves, or redicovering who we are, takes time. The transition from our old, two-of-us together life to now takes time, energy, guts, and tons of courage. Thank you for taking your own heart seriously and grieving well. You are healing. Please feel free to comment or share anytime! Blessings to you, Karen.