Loss is stunning. At some point in the grief process, most people feel a little unhinged or like they are going crazy.
From the Grieving Heart:
I’m forgetting things.
Appointments. Where I put my car keys. What I came into the room for.
I’m losing words. I have trouble talking in complete sentences and making sense sometimes. I blip out in the middle of conversations, and when I come back to reality, I’m confronted by blank stares and even laughter.
I’m not myself. This is frustrating and embarrassing. It’s like I’m not all here, as if part of me is fading away.
Honestly, I’m concerned, and a little frightened.
Am I okay?
I don’t feel okay. I feel strange. Some people are worried about me. Others are starting to give me this, “Come on! Get over it!” look.
Maybe they’re right. Perhaps I’m damaged somehow. Maybe I’m the problem. Am I going crazy?
Are we going crazy?
Losing a loved one is crazy. It hits every part of our being and our life. Grief squeezes us, and sometimes there is not much left over for living “normal” or “routine” life.
Here are 5 important truths to remember when you’re feeling looney:
- Your mind is getting squeezed.
Just as your heart has been hit, your mind is taking a beating too. Grief and the corresponding emotions are taking up more space and requiring a vast amount of focus and energy. Your mental capacity may be naturally challenged and even reduced for a time.
- Forgetfulness and some memory issues are to be expected.
Forgetfulness begins to show itself. Memory issues surface. You blank out, even in the middle of important conversations. You can’t pull up what you knew yesterday. You can’t remember where you were this morning or where you’re supposed to be next. This is common in times of loss.
- You’re not crazy, but you might be in a crazy-making situation.
In an age when we’re on the alert for mental illness, dementia, and Alzheimer’s, this is scary. We naturally wonder what’s happening to us. Are we going nuts?
You’ve lost someone we love. Life’s usual borders are being strained. Intense and deep grief has been added to your life on top of all that you do and are responsible for. The pressure can be immense. It can wear you down.
- Your system is on overload.
You’ll most likely notice a change in your mental capacity for a while. Your system is on overload, so it naturally eliminates items your heart doesn’t see as necessary to your survival. Overwhelm and overload are common.
- It’s okay that you’re not at your best.
You’re not the same. Everything is affected right now, including your mind. How could you be at your best, or even perform at your usual level?
Please give yourself a break. All your margin is being gobbled up by grief. This is natural and normal.
Take a deep breath. Focus on grieving well. You will get through this.
Affirmation:
I feel crazy sometimes because losing you is insane. I will learn to accept that I’m not at my mental best right now.
Adapted from Comfort for Grieving Hearts: Hope and Encouragement for Times of Loss. To get your copy, or to download a free excerpt, click here.
Question: Have you felt a little crazy in your grief process? What has helped you?
Additional resource: Many of us believe some rather strange things about grief and grieving. No wonder we feel crazy. Please check out my article on Beliefnet, 10 Myths About Grief Most of Us Believe.
it has been 2 months and a week since my best friend was put to sleep, it was to early and I just can not get over this everyone around me does not understand, I do go to work but my days and nights are getting more and more blurry, I haven’t even been able to start this whole process of talking to a lawyer which I need to do but haven’t, i’m not sure which way to go at all and to make this all worse the hospital is holding his ashes until bill is paid, which makes my guilt for not just taking him home makes me hate myself even more, I let them murder him.
Angelina, I’m so sorry. Thank you for sharing this with us. It sounds so painful, confusing, and very complicated. I’m so sorry. Please be patient with yourself in this – and please be kind to yourself. You are not alone, no matter how it might feel. Please feel free to share here anytime. We’re here to help, if we can.
It’s been a year and a half that I lost my husband of 25 years to pancreatic cancer. I’ve not only lost him, but I’ve lost so much more. My faith is nonexistent, lost most if not all friends, feelings,emotions are shallow or empty, and yes some family as well. I feel like a shadow merely observing life. I’m left here in this devastation that cancer has created and completely lost and alone. When will this nightmare end?? I don’t know how to do this, I’ve never experienced this level of pain and I’m struggling to get through each day. I don’t know what to do anymore….
HI Marni. I’m so sorry about your husband. Yes, that loss changes everything – and you are certainly experiencing all those earthquake-like changes. Pancreatic cancer is awful, swift, and devastating. I’m so sorry you had to experience all that. Please feel free to email me, Marni. I’m here to help, if I can. Please be patient with yourself in this. This is hard, hard, hard.
It’s been almost 2 months since I lost my mother. In the weeks following her death my grief was so overwhelming at times that I felt I couldn’t breathe. I found one of your audio books in my desperate search through my library’s collection, and it helped a great deal. It still hurts, but I’m able to get up each day, go to work, and stay focused on the job. Evenings & weekends are tough though due to lack of structure. I have much that I need to do, but I spin my wheels and get nowhere. It probably doesn’t help that I’m living in Mom’s house, an arrangement that came about last October due to some unfortunate circumstances in my life. I live alone & tend to isolate myself. I know that’s not good, but I just can’t find the energy or motivation. I’ve suffered bouts of depression most of my life, which only intensifies my grief. I long to see my Mom, hug her, talk with her, and share things with her, but I know that can never be. I’m grateful to have a place like this where I can share and relate to other people’s experiences. Thank you Gary.
Hi Karen. I’m so sorry about your mom. Yes, that air hunger you experienced is pretty common in grief. It’s like grief somehow steals our oxygen. It sounds like you’re very aware of the triggers around you. You’re taking your own heart seriously, and that will add up to healing over time. Please continue to share as you wish. We’re here. You are not alone…
Our 28-year-old son suicided almost 20 months ago. I’m very familiar with the craziness feeling. I’m just now starting to believe in myself again and desire to step out in new ways to move forward. What has helped me the most is to journal as often as I can to my son. I tell him how my day has gone, what’s going on in our lives, and that I love him. I receive little signs that he sees us and our lives continue. For me, going on in life is the single most sorrowful feeling. I’ll not see him here again, but I will see him in heaven.
Hi Carolyn. I’m so, so sorry about your son. Thank you for sharing with us. I’m go glad you write in that journal. Just “getting it out” and down on paper helps us process all the stuff bouncing around in our minds and hearts. If there’s anything I can ever do for you, please let me know. Blessings to you…
Dear Carolyn, my heart breaks for you. I will pray for you. I know the pain of losing someone to suicide.
Hi Clara. Thanks for posting this wonderful message of support! Bless you…
When will this insane horrible grief stop overwhelming my life? I can’t find joy and it’s been 15 months since my husband died. We were married 31 years and I feel like I died too. No matter how hard I try I just find myself in this vicious cycle. It’s exhausting and people don’t understand why I can’t put my “past” behind me and move forward. Some days it’s just too hard.
HI Mary. I’m so sorry about your husband. What a deep, deep loss. You’re right. We never get over people. We just try to grieve in the healthiest way possible – in ways that honor our loved one. Please be kind to yourself. And please feel free to reach out here and vent or whatever. We’re here.
Thank you so much. This has helped me so much thru my grief. I lost my husband in 2012, my younger sister that was my best friend in 2015 & just 2 weeks after my sister died my youngest son was murdered. 3 years later & Instill dontvfeelmlike I’m functioning anywhere near normal again. It’s gets a teeny better every day!
HI Barbara. Oh my. I’m so sorry. What huge losses. Ugh. It’s a wonder you’re still standing. I’m glad you’re taking the grief process seriously and wanting to heal. You will get through this. And when the grief is less intense, you’ll find yourself using that grief to honor those you’ve lost and serve others. We often heal by giving – but there is a timing to all these things. Focus on grieving well (not perfectly!). And please feel free to share here anytime.
Dear Barbara, my heart hurts for you! I’m praying for you.
I lost my daughter in May this year ,finding it difficult to cope ,feel l Ike I am losing my mind ,,what is the point of carrying on ,, just more heartbreak to come .
Hi Sue. I’m so sorry about your daughter. The loss of a child hits area of the heart that no other loss can. It’s backwards. Do you have anyone where you are that you are can share freely with – without fear of judgment? And have you heard of the Compassionate Friends? Please check out their website. You are not alone, though I know you must feel terribly lonely. Please reach out here to us anytime. Blessings to you…
Your information is very helpful and helps me understand this horrible journey. It will be 38 months on the 28th and I just miss him so much. I can’t function as a single person. It is just hard to have a life without him. I still have a job I do from home and watch my great grandson 2 afternoons, but the rest of the time I hate this life. Was married almost 52 yrs, the oldest of 7 and I just don’t get single life. I’ll I ever get a routine going and do the things I once loved?
Investors been a Christian since I was a child so am just so disappointed in myself I can’t handle this time of my life.
Keep up the great ministry Gary.
HI Gayle. Thank you for sharing with us. When two become one – how do we function when it’s only one of us. It’s hard. That’s an understatement, I know. And I’m sure everything reminds you of him. Love endures. So does grief, therefore. Please be patient with yourself – though I know you’re probably thinking, “How long!?” The Lord is with you in this. He feels all of this with you. He’s closer than you know. Somehow, He is working in all this to bring healing and blessing – though I don’t know what that will look like for you. I’m praying for you now, Gayle. Breathe deeply. Please keep reaching out…
Even after almost 5 years I am feeling all of these things. I don’t think it’s as intense as as before but it still remains.
Hi Stephanie. Thanks for sharing this. You’re not alone in feeling this way. Yes, the intensity changes – the grief changes. But the basics tend to linger. We still look for them. We hear their voices sometimes. We certainly are wired for connection and relationship. Please be kind to yourself in all this. And please feel free to share here anytime.
I read your newsletters over & over. They help but I have to take deep breaths and I know it will take a long time. Losing my husband has been more than I can bear at times. Keep up the good work.
HI Janet. Thanks for sharing. Yes, the loss of a spouse changes everything. I’m so sorry. Thank you for your support and encouragement. Please be patient with yourself. The heart has its own timing. Take good care of yourself in this. That’s a great gift you can give to yourself and others. Blessings to you, Janet…
I just entered my 4th year of living without my husband, my soulmate. We were married 45 years. For several of those years we ministered side by side as he was one pastor of many in our large church. I have a heart for people, for Bible teaching and a love for encouraging women toward knowing Jesus better.
The last 9 years of my husbands life, I was his caregiver as he experienced the devastating disease of Parkinson’s and Lewybody Dementia. Because of this, our very large circle of friends and influence virtually disappeared. And so did our friends. To a large extent, life has lost its direction. I feel alone and people’s expecatation that I should be “over it” by now. I lack the energy and motivation to reach out to others. My wise counselor tells me the journey of grief is baby steps…
I related to this article, as I have in your past writings. I’m committed to leaning in and making sense of my life now, but I’m tired. Thank you for putting into words my story…
HI Marsha. Thank you for sharing this. I’m so sorry. Thank you for your love for your husband – and for all the caregiving over the years. Amazing. And thank you for your (and his) service to the Lord over the decades. And I’m so sorry about people disappearing. Yes, it happens. I wish it didn’t, but people just can’t seem to be okay with being in the presence of suffering. We run from it like the plague. I’m proud of you for taking the grief seriously. Your life has changed dramatically over the last 15 years. Please feel free to reach out here anytime. We’re here to help, if we can. I know you know this – but you are not alone. You will get through this. The Lord knows. He feels what you feel. He’s in this with you, deeper and more intimately than you can imagine. Praying for you now…
How long is “awhile?” It’s been five years since I lost my husband and I still many of these. I wonder what’s wrong with me too. Thank you for your help. I love your emails.
HI Laurie. Thanks for sharing. I wish I knew the answer to that question. Grief is a unique and individual process. It would be nice, however, if we had some objective way to see progress on this challenging road. I know this – as you grieve well, you will heal. Period. It may not feel like it. It may seem like you’re going backwards at times. But if you do what you know to do to take care of yourself and process the grief, overtime you will heal and grow. Please be patient with yourself in this. And please reach out here anytime. We’re here to help. Thanks for your support too!
It’s been 5 years since my husband died. I still feel crazy at times. Grief never let’s go but realizing how blessed I am to have had him in my life does help , for he belongs to God and God gave me a treasure, a sweet memory. God is the answer to our troubles, Amen
HI Judy. Thanks for sharing this. Well said. Thank you. Yes. He is our Shepherd. He is the one who meets our needs. He is ultimately the answer to all our questions. Praying for you now, Judy. Please keep reaching out as you want and need to. Blessings to you…