The following is adapted from the 2018 Book Excellence Award Winner, Teen Grief: Caring for the Grieving Teenage Heart. If you’re going through a time of loss, most likely you can relate to this article – even if you don’t have teens. Anger is common in grief and can be quite challenging. Read on…
Anger is one of the most common emotions grieving people experience – especially teens.
From the Grieving Teen’s Heart
KATIE
Why did this happen? Why you? Why this? Why me?
Life isn’t supposed to be this way. Who let this happen?
Did you want to die? Did you want to leave? Where are you now?
All I have are questions. No answers. The more I try to understand it, the angrier I get.
I hate this. Everything irritates me. I blow up at the smallest thing. I’m annoyed all the time.
I cry a lot. I punch my pillow. I scream inside. I’m like a big ball of anger rolling downhill, picking up speed. I feel sorry for the people around me.
Maybe I should go running.
I hate this.
JOSH
I’m ticked.
I laid into my punching bag last night. My hands still hurt, even though I wore gloves. I’m ready to go at it again – maybe until my hands break. Honestly, I don’t care.
The anger scares me sometimes. I don’t know what to do with it. I’m a smoldering volcano.
I’ve got to pull it together. My anger can make me stupid. We don’t need anything else stupid.
Time to go punch the bag again. I have to get this out, somehow, some way.
Anger is a natural response to loss
Anger is a natural and common grief emotion, but most of us, including teens, have trouble managing this tricky emotion.
The teen years are full of angst. All the physical, hormonal, emotional, and relational changes often stir angst into anger. Other losses and traumas from childhood can further fuel the anger and complicate their grief. When a death comes, the reservoir of anger within them gets tapped, and their emotional dam can crack.
They feel robbed and out of control. Anger is a natural result.
You can make a difference
How can you help?
First, be aware that anger is a natural and common grief emotion.
The emotion itself is not negative, but how it is expressed can be. If released in healthy ways, however, anger can lead to recovery and healing. This applies to both you and teens.
Second, learn to be okay with grieving teens (and yourself) being angry.
If they allow you in, you can encourage them to “get the anger out.” Maybe you need to do this too. Here are some suggestions:
- Hard, regular exercise
- Hitting a punching bag or pillow
- Screaming or yelling in a safe, private place
- Drawing or painting their anger
- Writing it out in a journal or letter (a letter that will never be sent)
- Set up an empty chair. Imagine the appropriate person sitting there. Talk the anger out.
Third, be aware of your own anger as you try to help teens (and others) deal with theirs.
Anger often triggers anger. As teens openly express their frustration, you could find yourself feeling angry in return. If this happens, it becomes an opportunity to you to deal with your own anger in healthy ways.
Fourth, work on processing your own anger.
If you want to assist others in times of pain, focus on handling your own stuff well. The healthier you are, the more prepared you’ll be to help teens live healthy and meaningful lives.
Fifth, be honest, real, and authentic in your grieving.
Teens are watching. They’re looking for authenticity. Be the real thing – honest, straightforward, and caring. Have no agenda except to be with them in their stuff.
If you grieve well, chances are the teens (and others) around you will too.
Anger is common in grief. Dealing well with your own anger can be key to helping teens (and others) process theirs.
Question: Have you experienced anger in your grief? What has been helpful to you?
