“I wish I could see her somehow. I want to know where she is, what it’s like, and what she’s doing.” Connie said.
Connie’s daughter Libby was a wild child. She experimented with drugs early and became an addict. After hitting bottom, she checked herself into a rehab center and got clean. She went to college and pursued a degree in social work, fueled by a passion to help others.
One night Libby received a distress call from a friend. When she arrived on the scene, she got caught in the crossfire of a drug deal gone wrong. Libby was 19.
“She was the bravest person I’ve known. I’m honored to be her mother. I hope I’ll see her again,” Connie said.
Loss often leads to spiritual searching
The death of a loved one can create all kinds of spiritual questioning. Those questions can launch us on a search for answers.
Amid all the wondering, the following 5 truths can be extremely helpful:
1. Asking deep questions is okay and natural.
Did our loved one just cease to exist? Are they alive in another dimension? Are they a spirit now, or do they have a body too? Would we recognize them?
Where are they now? What are they doing? Who are they with? Are they happy? How does all this work? Can we know anything for sure?
2. We are all at a different place spiritually.
Some are sure about what’s ahead. Others don’t claim certainty, but choose to believe the best they can imagine based on what seems right to them. Others have fairly undeveloped belief systems and have to wade through a lot of uncertainty.
We’re all unique. Our hearts are all slightly different. We’re all at different places spiritually.
3. We all believe in something or someone.
No matter who we are, we all believe something. Some believe only in themselves. Some might say they believe in nothing – but even that nothing is something. Some have great trust in God. Most of us are a mixture. And we all have some ideas about what happens after death.
4. We are all relational beings who have a tough time with separation.
We are also relational beings. When someone we love dies, our hearts crack. Separation from those we love is excruciatingly hard.
5. We all need comfort and hope.
We need comfort. We can’t survive without hope. So it’s not surprising that most of us choose beliefs that provide these two necessities. If there is no comfort, we are alone and completely crushed. If there is no hope, we are bereft indeed.
The death of someone special can confirm long-held beliefs or smash them into a thousand pieces. Our loss can launch us on a search for spiritual truth or drive us into skepticism. Our spiritual beliefs, in order for us to hold them, must weather and ultimately pass the test of deep personal loss and suffering.
Spiritual searching is common in times of heavy loss and personal pain. For many of us, it’s the natural result of having a broken heart.
“I want to know about you. I need answers. I will search for them.”
Adapted from 2017 Best Book Awards Finalist and Amazon Bestseller, Shattered: Surviving the Loss of a Child.
Question: Have spiritual or faith questions come up for you in your grief process? What have you found helpful in this process?
Additional resource: If this post resonated with you, please check out my article on Beliefnet, 10 Spiritual Truths About Loss and Healing. I think you’ll be encouraged.
After loosing my daughter 4 years ago, from a life of BP, she suffered from this monster for over 20 yrs…. I know I will never be 100% again, still in a DAZE & FOG, like my body is floating out of body, trying to ?????,TRULY such sadness most days I struggle…. I hate my life with out her,our child should not go before us.
Hi Joyce. I’m so sorry. What a terrible, devastating, and complicated loss. No wonder you feel the way you do. No – we will never be the same again, and we shouldn’t be. Losing a child is…backwards…and it wrankles us. Please be kind to yourself in this. And please keep reaching out. You are not alone.
Today, Aug 15, marks 7 years since my son was burned. He survived a week before I had to make the decision to let him go. He passed on Aug 22 just 10 days before his 24th birthday. Today also marks 5 years since we lost my son’s step brother in a motorcycle accident. The 20th it will be 3 years since I lost my father & this weekend on Aug 11 I lost a friend to Cancer. On Sept 9th it will be 6 years since I lost a niece & nephew to murder suicide. Needless to say I have dealt with loss on every level. 5 years ago I also lost my husband, my home, & everything I had worked for my whole life. I went off the deep end & lost my faith for a while. I kept wondering what I did for God to punish me this way. Being homeless & struggling to survive along with the health problems I now suffer from was more than I could handle. First I turned to drugs. Which took away the pain but has brought on other problems. I grew up believing in God so I decided to put things back in his hands & started praying for help. Gos sent me 3 Angels. The first one was a girl in a wheelchair that showed me to be grateful for what I do have. She showed me the that I have a purpose & I am important. She taught me so much about life before she passed away 3 years ago. The other 2 Angels he sent me were my best friends. Who have been there to help me through the worst time of my life. I have put them through Hell & they have not left my side. And he gave me my dogs who have showed me forgiveness & unconditional love. Everyone says God doesn’t give us more than we can handle. 6es he does. He gives us more than we can handle so that we will ask for help & lean on him. And when we do he sends us Angels to help us through.
Hi Linda. Thank you for sharing with me, and us. You have been through a LOT. And I’m so glad you’ve returned to leaning on God through all this. Most people think God should deliver us from hardship and pain. Hardship and pain are part of living in this world, and God meets us in our grief, pain, and suffering. He knows all about such things – Jesus is the prime example of that. And I SO agree…God routinely gives us more than we can handle so that we look to and trust in Him. Thank you, Linda. Blessings to you.
I lost my daughter,she was only 16. She still means everything to me.I can’t even describe my love for her. However its hard for me to describe my pain too. I am still devastated. Its been 3 years 9 months I am no closer to finding peace than I was when it happened. I have a lot of anger. I did believe before now I question almost everything. My whole world has been rocked. I don’t understand why this happens . I have read a lot ,talked to people and I just can’t let go of the anger to find that peace everyone talks about. I feel like she was cheated and so was I without reason. She was a wonderful person. Too young and innocent. The only thing I can say for sure is some don’t get what they deserve and others get way more. Anyway I’m sure I sound awful to most but I’m lost.
Hi Tina. Thank you for sharing with us. I’m so sorry. So young, with all of life ahead of her. I can’t imagine. Deaths like this raise SO many questions and stir deeper, more intense emotions than we could have imagined. No, you don’t sound awful. It sounds like your heart is broken, and no wonder. Please be kind to yourself and patient with yourself in this, Tina. And please, reach out to us anytime you wish. You are not alone in this.
I lost my son to a drug deal gone wrong. My son wasn’t a bad person. He was a young 19 and was trying to figure life out. His friend sold all kinds of drugs. My son, Trevor, was shot in the head, over an ounce of marijuana. I have SO much guilt and fight with all the questions mentioned. Thank you for your article and support.
HI Cheryl. I’m so sorry about Trevor. What a terrible loss. And yes, we parents battle fiercely with guilt when our kids are involved. Please be patient with yourself and kind to yourself in this process. As you process the grief – seemingly bottomless, I’m sure – things will slowly change over time. Now is not forever, thank goodness. And please feel free to reach out to us anytime. We’re here to help.
We lost our youngest son @ the age 20 to suicide. He was not mentally ill nor was he bullied. He always said he never wanted to grow up. We didn’t think it was literal. I blamed God for yrs. I was so angry at him. I thought he could have stopped this. Kyle had a gentle soul, but he also was adventurous. He always said he didn’t want to disappoint us. I felt God was punishing me for some reason. It’s almost 11yrs. since Kyle’s death, I am searching and trying to rebuild my faith. I do believe that God is a great God and did not do this, but I still have so many questions. I have been going to a Bible base church, learning to reach out in prayer, it helps. My heart is still so heavy in grief.
Hi Gail. Thank you for sharing with us about Kyle. He sounds like a wonderful young man, and I know your heart has been shattered by all this. I’m not surprised by the anger, frustration, and questions you’ve been through, and are probably still dealing with. Thankfully, God is not threatened by our questions, but welcomes them. You’re doing well, though it may not seem so. Keep searching. God is there, and He is closer than you know. And please feel free to reach out to us here anytime. We’re here to help, if we can.
I too lost a daughter
(To addiction). For years I prayed to God
To help her ease her suffering. When she died five months ago I gave up on my faith for awile I now realize God probably answered my prayers and ended her suffering. She is now
Safe in the arms of God.
Thank you for sharing this. I’m so sorry about your daughter. Addiction is a terrible thing. It steals lives, and our loved ones. I know this – God loves her, and you. He is good, and His love endures forever. He is with you in this grief, and walks with you all the time, everywhere. He feels what you feel, and He is the best grief companion ever. Praying for you now…
I’ve lost my only child, Ryan, forever 30. I look forward to joining him in Heaven. I feel confident he’s there with my mom and dad. I miss him terribly. My heart aches.
Hi Sonia. I’m so sorry about Ryan. What a terrible loss. Yes, we look forward to seeing our loved ones again. We hope, and lean forward. The best is yet to come. In the meantime, we ache and yearn. Holy discontent, some have called it. We groan for heaven. Praying for you now, Sonia…
I’m writing about my dog Missy,some will stop reading she’s writing about a dog,when I lost my child. To me Missy was my child, there was no separation for school,she even come to church with me,when she wasn’t well I adopted her with a mast cell tumor,they told me was no concern, was a fat lump. Went from size of marble to a C cup. I made her special jackets that supported her lump shed run and play, when we went to the park. From 30Dec 2011- 19th August 2015. We grew so close she was my shadow,we were inseparable, dogs home offered me an exchange, and I,said,she’s not an electrical good. If only they’d tested her lump. But maybe I’d have not had those 4wonderful years. I had lost Jess my 1st dog on the 20october 2011. Who I’d had from pup 30/6/2001. He was my life but I,worked and he came with me. Some will say I’m crazy, but most things can’t be passed from dog to human especially epilepsy (which Jess had last few years) & a lump in the same position Missy had hers. I’ve scans that say the lump which protrudes noticeably,has been there all my life,its a deformity In the cartlidge that makes the breast bone. Both seizure and my lump,where part of my life soon after they had to cross over. I strongly believe, they are both with me,my world is so lonely without the love they gave me&_so empty.It gives me great comfort, that they left part of their physicalness. With me, when ever upset I will caress,and hold the lump,Some say its unsightly as its between breasts,about 4″ down from voicebox. I believe these were gifts from God to support me in sad lonely times
Hi Julie. Thanks for sharing about Missy. I’m so sorry. Our animals are special. Very special. They understand and support us in unique and loving ways. I’m sorry for the sadness and the loneliness. Yes, your grief honors her and Jess. It’s amazing the connections we can have. Kepe grieving well, and be patient with yourself in all this. You are not alone!
I believe that Christ has promised that we shall be in heaven with Him after death, if we accept him and are baptized. That is my hope and His promise. I wonder about what heaven is like, I know my husband and daughter are there and my loved ones, but wonder what are they doing. I know they are happy. But I am so sad. I read this quote, the journey is not our destination. It is hard to go on each day without my loved ones. Yet I must trust in God and go on.
Hi Gayleen. Thanks for sharing. And I’m thankful for your faith. So much of this life is about trust and about walking in faith. We seems sure of things one day, and then something happens and our human hearts have difficulty. God still has a good plan for your life. He is with you and He is at work. And yes, the sadness accompanies us. We are longing for something better – much better. We long for reunion and real life. It is coming. Praying for you now…
Yes indeed.My faith was shattered after the death of my 2 sons. My only children. What helped me was reading every thing I could about heaven and God’s Word.
Hi Sandy. Thanks for sharing. Yes, loss certainly changes us – and shakes our faith naturally. Our relationship with God is dynamic – it never stays the same – we are always drawing closer to him and getting to trust him more, or distancing ourselves. He never distances himself from us, thank goodness. The distance is always on our end. SO thankful you are reading. Huge. Praying for you now…
This just leads to more questions. No answers
Yes. Our hearts are full of questions, and even if we had specific answers, few of them would be emotionally satisfying. Ultimately, I guess it comes down to trust. At least, it does for me. And trust is hard. It means I may not understand, and may never understand certain things. I’m so sorry for whatever loss you have endured. I’m glad we’re in this together. We might feel alone, but this grief road is well populated.