“I eat. He drinks. I talk. He doesn’t. We both go through the motions, trying to somehow be strong for our other kids. Every day is an uphill battle,” Mandy shared.
Mandy and Mike’s son Marcus had been looking forward to college for years. He was a serious student, who also loved to party. When he arrived on campus, one of the first things he did was attend rush. He became a pledge in a prestigious fraternity.
One night, the alcohol was flowing and Marcus kept drinking – much more than usual. In the middle of the night, his roommate found him on the bathroom floor. Marcus never regained consciousness. He was 19.
“The color is gone. I have no spark, no interest. I don’t want to go anywhere, see anyone, or do anything. It’s like a heavy, wet blanket is smothering all of us,” Mandy said. “I’m depressed. We’re all depressed.”
The loss of a loved one is depressing
Experiencing some depression in grief is natural and common. Our loved one’s absence has left a gaping hole in our hearts. It feels wrong to have joy in anything.
As Mandy said, the color goes out of life. We wonder if it will ever return, or if it even can.
Our eating and sleeping habits take a hit. We’re fatigued all the time. We walk around in a fog, sometimes forgetting where we’re going and why. We wonder incessantly about questions we’ll probably never know the answers to. We slip back or deeper into unhealthy habits or addictions.
We withdraw from the world and people. We feel alone, no matter where we are or who we’re around. We’re starved for fun, but feel terribly guilty about having any.
We slog through each day like we’re knee-deep in mud. Motivation has disappeared. Even brushing our teeth is an emotional chore. We sigh a lot.
With all of this, plus the daily, relentless assault of unpredictable emotions, it isn’t surprising that symptoms of depression can overtake us for a period of time.
“Life without you is depressing. No wonder I feel this way.”
Five Tips for Winning the Depression Battle
Most depression is temporary. It comes, and it goes. We experience it for periods of time, from hours to days, or perhaps a week. When this temporary depression strikes, consider doing one or more – or all – of the following:
- Intentionally get out among people (a movie, restaurant, play, the mall, church, etc.). Just getting out is important.
- Volunteer to serve in honor of your loved one (church, food bank, civic organization, health organization, etc.). Engaging in helping others can bring a sense of purpose and meaning that can aid your recovery and healing.
- Talk to someone you trust (friend, therapist, mentor, minister, grief counselor) about how you’re feeling. Sharing what’s happening inside you with others can make a big difference.
- Write it out. Journals. Letters. Whatever it takes. Try to capture how you’re doing and feeling on paper. This helps express your emotions and process your grief.
- Express your grief creatively. What creative activity did you enjoy earlier in your life (drawing, painting, crafting, woodworking, etc.)? Do some of that. Creative expression aids in healing.
If the depression you’re experiencing has deepened and become your new lifestyle, you need to take action now.
If you are experiencing the following…
- You don’t get out of bed.
- You isolate yourself from other people and activities.
- You fall deeply into an addiction or self-medicating behavior
- You are non-functional when it comes to daily routine life.
- You have thoughts of harming yourself.
…please call your physician, a mental health professional, or 911 immediately.
Adapted from the bestseller, Shattered: Surviving the Loss of a Child.
Question: Have you encountered depression in your grief process? What was / is that like for you? What have you found to be helpful?
Additional resource: For most grieving hearts, loneliness is behind some of our depression. Please check out my article on The Daily Positive, 5 Crucial Truths for Overcoming Loneliness in the Digital Age. I think you’ll be encouraged. You are not alone.
Thank you so much Gary for the encouraging words, newsletters and such. It really encourages me. Thank God for your life. God has placed you in our lives as we go through these losses and given you wisdom to help us.
Thanks for healing blog also. I read and learn something everyday.
I know I will never see my husband in this life again, but the hope in Christ assures us that we will meet again one day in His glorious kingdom. May God bless you for all that you do for His kingdom
Hi Juliana. Thanks for sharing, and thank you so much for your kind words. You’re clearly an encourager! Keep up the good work! If there’s ever any way I can serve you, please let me know.
I lost my son almost 6 months ago to a homicide. I find what tends to be the most depressing is reaching out and no where is there. Yes those people at first told me reach out if you need anything but when I do they don’t even respond. I know it hasn’t been because I talked to much about him because I haven’t even seen these people since his memorial. I find I am trying to get out the depression by reaching out but makes me more depressed when I don’t even hear back from my friends.
Hi Cindy. Thank you for sharing. I’m so sorry about your son. How awful. And how frustrating that you’re now experiencing “more loss” with those who pledged to be there for you. Sigh. This is very common, and it hurts badly. And you’re right – this doesn’t exactly encourage us to reach out. We need other people who know grief. We need people who get it. Sometimes we can find them in support groups. If there’s anything I can do to help, please let me know. And please feel free to share here any time – vent or whatever. Blessings to you, Cindy.
Im 4 years into my journey and continue to struggle with depression over losing my son Bryon to suicide. Once a very outgoing person I find myself now keeping to myself when I do have to go out for instance to get groceries. I find myself very unmotivated and have very erratic sleeping habits. I have had several different sleep aids prescribed by therapists without much help. I have seen several different therapists which have been my life line as they are for the most part the only ones I can talk to about my son as most everyone, family and friends, won’t talk about Bryon and feel I should be over his death. I have been on several different meds for my depression. For the most part they seem to take the edge off. At this point I just try to hang on day to day and think of good memorie s and continue with therapy and med
Hi Stephanie. I’m so sorry about Byron. And, as you know, suicides come with a lot of complications – the losses just seem to keep piling up over time. No wonder you feel as you do. I’m so proud of you for taking your heart seriously and reaching out to grieve in healthy ways. Sometimes, it seems like we’re at war every day, just trying to put one foot in front of the other, feeling like we’re slogging through chest-deep mud. If I can help or support you in any way, please email me and let me know. Please feel free to share here any time. I’m so sorry, Stephanie.
I can relate to how you feel. I lost my son almost 5 years ago. I am on meds, went to grief recovery group and therapy. I am still struggling. Not as bad but life is different.
Hi Corrina. Thank you for sharing and for supporting Stephanie. I’m so sorry about your son. You are so right. Life is so different. Never the same. We’re different. Please feel free to share here any time – reach out and vent, or whatever. If I can serve you somehow, please let me know…
It’s about 1 month shy of 2 years ago that I lost my beloved husband. At times, I still cannot believe he is actually gone. I have been doing all the “right things” to get thru this waking nightmare of being without him. Staying involved with my church, as well at home groups that we both used to go to. Outings & going out to eat with various precious lady friends. Also I have been keeping up with house improvements, and taking care of my many animals that have helped me to get thru his loss. I have no children, my husband was the center of my world, and we loved each other deeply, we were married almost 30 years, together 34 years. We were definitely soul mates, sharing everything, as well as our God that that we both loved, thru Christ. The shock from his sudden & unexpected passing has worn off, but the more time that passes, he’s farther away from me and our marriage. I just loved being his wife, we were so happy to just be together – even a doctor’s appointment was like a date, he said – as long as we were together. It’s so terribly unfair to lose your spouse at this age – when you’re so vulnerable. I’m in my mid 60s and the question of dating again briefly surfaced, but I don’t think that’s a real possibility for me, although I knew of another widow in her 70s that just got remarried. I also know that I would feel like I was cheating on him anyway. I am just so tired of being alone, and miss him so very much. Yes, depression from grief does seem to cover everything with a grey film. I try not to be jealous as I see other couples going about their daily lives, but it’s a stab in the heart, that my wonderful husband isn’t with me anymore. I don’t know if I will ever be able to accept his death. I know I will never be the same person I once was. She died with him. My Christian faith has been very badly shaken, but I also realize that Jesus is my only hope. That faith also tells me that I will see my beloved again, but even that seems so impossibly far off. When the agonizing depression hits – like right now – I turn to the Lord, and ask Him to carry this burden – I can’t anymore. Despite all the hundreds of WHY??? did he have to be taken from me? the only answer I get is “Trust”. I know I will never truly be happy again, until I see him again, but I can go on & give the rest of my life to the Lord, and hope He can make something good of what’s left of it.
Hello Lovey. Thank you for writing and sharing. I’m so sorry about your husband. Yes, that loss hits hard and changes everything. I’m so proud of you for enduring and for grieving well through all this. And yes, trust is huge. Maybe everything. I firmly believe that the Lord will make something wonderful from your life. He has a plan, and He is good. Somehow…I don’t know how…He takes what is and brings meaning and purpose to it. He’s in this with you, loving you with every step. I’m so sorry for all you’re experiencing, Lovey. Please feel free to write and share here any time. Blessings to you…
I just lost my husband of 52 years, shy of 2 months. Your honesty helps me feel like I am not alone.
Hugs and prayers.
Luanne
Hi Luanne. We do feel alone, don’t we? This is a lonely road…well populated with other people grieving. In many ways, we’re alone together. We need each other badly. Thanks for sharing, Luanne.
Thank you,for those words of comfort Gary for Lovey and myself.
I feel your pain. I am on my fourth year grieving without the love of my life of 34 years (married 28). I miss him so much and I too just feel like I am going through the motions. I will never be the same and I feel like I will never be healed.
Hi Toni. Thanks for sharing, and for supporting Lovey. I’m so sorry. What a horrible loss. No – we will never be the same. Please feel free to reach out and share any time. If I can ever do anything for you, please let me know.
Hello Lovey,
I feel like you took the words out of my month. I lost my husband five years ago and it feels like yesterday. Yes the me that I know died with him. I have been through several counseling and they encourage me to find the new me. Well I am not without my lovely husband. We have 3 girls and they remind me everyday of him. Life has never been the same and I know it will never be the same. Stay blessed and the Lord will see us through!
Yes, it’s so hard living without my husband. We were married for over 35 years & I had never lived alone before he passed away suddenly. There is a hole in my heart & I really try to go on, but it’s so hard. I go to counseling when the depression gets really bad. I don’t want my family & friends to worry about me, so I go on as things are normal. But nothing is normal anymore. The books & articles Gary writes are helpful & knowing someone understands. This is my life & I will continue on this journey with the Lord as my guide. Thank you
Hi Mary Jane. You are so right – it’s hard. So hard. Nothing is the same, but we keep going, trying to adjust and make the best of things. We try to live well, even while we’re hurting. I’m proud of you for taking your heart seriously and for grieving well. Your husband is well loved – and your grief proclaims your love. If there’s ever anything I can do for you, please let me know. Blessings to you…
I have to disagree with #1, because I did just that. I carried on as before, attending events, going out to dinner with friends and even joining a weekly golf league (a biggie for a non-athlete like me).
The result was that I experienced my partner’s absence all the more, realizing he was missing things he would have enjoyed and I was missing sharing those things with him. Further, none of my friends were widows, so they just didn’t appreciate what I was going through and why I wasn’t my old, fun-loving self. I got so tired of being told, “He would want you to be happy.” Of course he would. But he’s gone.
What was worse (much worse) was that 2 long-time friends (1 of mine and 1 of my partner’s) both decided that I should date them now that I’m “free.” One was even married! Both turned into pests, and the single one came close to being a stalker. This was not a complication that I needed during my deep grief, nor at my age (I was 55 when I was widowed).
Two years later, I sadly now have 2 fewer male friends. My 2018 New Year’s resolution was to stop getting out with people and keep to myself. I find my life is much more calm. I just didn’t need all of the extra drama from clueless, selfish people.
Hi Tammy. Thanks for sharing. I’m so sorry for all these losses. It’s amazing what happens with a loss like this – it changes everything and all our relationships shake and quiver. We all have to find that balance between getting out and time alone. And then there’s the issue of how many safe people we have in our life – people that we can be with and feel understood, as much as possible. No wonder you have withdrawn. Sometimes we need to do that to eliminate all the extra drains. We’re exhausted and drained enough without being around others who drain us even more. You’re taking your heart seriously, and that’s what’s important. If I can support you in any way, please let me know. I’m so sorry – this is a lonely road. Blessings to you, Tammy.
We are coming up on 5 years of loosing our son in an accident. I continue to grieve daily and every now and then have a BIG breakdown. I can finally find joy in life again and can smile and laugh but the quiet and reflective times can be very painful.
Hi Kari. Thank you for sharing this. I’m so sorry about your son. And I’m so glad some joy is appearing in your life again. And yes – those quiet times – our brains and hearts seem to fill in the gaps with what hurts the most. Sigh. Please feel free to share here any time, Kari. Blessings to you.