“Does it ever get any better? Everyone says I should be over this or further along.” Annette said.
Annette’s daughter Kimberly was the younger of two girls. She loved pink, dogs, and horses. If she had the option, she would have lived outside. She did well in school, and then worked her way through college as a veterinary tech.
On the way home from her college graduation with some friends, a truck crossed the median and slammed into them head-on. The truck driver was the only survivor. Kimberly was 23.
“I never got to say goodbye. How do I recover from that?” Annette asked.
Grief has no timetable
The power and depth of losses can be staggering. We get hit on every level, every day. We discover more losses as we go. Weeks become months, and months become years. We wince. We ache. Our hearts are shattered. How long is this supposed to go on?
There are 3 keys to remember about grief and the accompanying emotional pain.
First, there is no “supposed to” when it comes to the intensity and duration of our grief. Every person, every relationship, and every loss is different. Our grief process is influenced by a variety of factors:
- Who we are – our personality and internal resources
- Our personal history of loss – other losses we’ve experienced and how they’ve affected us
- Our personal relationship with our loved one – the depth and kind of our attachment
- Our loved one themselves – personality, age, station in life, etc.
- The nature of the death – illness, accident, violent death, etc.
- Our physical and mental health
- Our faith and spiritual condition – what we believe about life, death, the afterlife
- The kind and degree of other current stressors (relational, financial, vocational, physical, etc.)
Due to all these factors, there are no exact time lines for the progression of our grief. There are no infallible standards for what we “should” be experiencing and when. There are only patterns, and these vary greatly depending on the nature and depth of the factors listed above.
Second, as we grieve, our grief will change over time. No matter what our situation, as we process our grief in healthy ways, the intensity of our emotions will most likely lessen. As time goes on our loss settles in at new levels. Moments of shock and denial recede and diminish, giving way to a dull and heavy awareness of reality. As our hearts begin to adjust to this terrible loss, the grief isn’t necessarily better or easier, but different.
As we grieve, our loved ones get assimilated into our lives in new ways. We don’t move on without them or leave them behind. They become even more a part of us. We heal, but we’re not the same. We learn to live with a hole in our hearts.
Third, on some level, we will never stop grieving. We will always miss them. We will never forget. But our grief will change. Time does not heal all wounds, but healing and recovery do take time.
Our hearts refuse to be on a grief time schedule. Grief is not a task to be performed or an item to check off a to-do list. It’s a dynamic, variable, personal, and somewhat unpredictable process. We grieve because we dared to love.
“My grief has no time limit. I’ll always grieve, but it will change over time.”
Adapted from the 2017 USA Best Book Awards Finalist and Amazon bestseller, Shattered: Surviving the Loss of a Child.
Question: Have you seen your grief change over time? How so?
My son has been gone for 2 years and 4 months, I feel like the pain is worse as time goes on by. I miss him more and more each and every day. The pain goes from the tip of my toes to every hair on my head. I make myself go on, I just started working again and I am asked at least 8 times if not more a day “how are you” from people who have no idea what I am going through, they don’t know that I lost my son so every time I am asked it hurts more and more because I am not ok and I have to pretend I am.
Hi Chiquita. I’m so sorry about your son. And I’m so sorry about all the difficulties that surround you right now. Life sounds, well, painful and challenging. Do you have someone, anyone, that you can share freely with? We all need someone like that. Please feel free to share here any time. You are not alone, though many times I know it feels that way.
My grief is a roller coaster. I think “Wow..I’m doing better because I haven’t cried lately” and then wham! all the painful memories come rushing back. My son passed away almost 2 years ago. “Will it ever get better?” is something I ask myself all the time. But, I manage to get thru holidays, my son’s birthday and the anniversary date of his death. Thank You Gary for your articles. They have been a tremendous help.
Hi Cindy. Thank you for sharing this. Yes, we wonder when we get hit with the pain, don’t we? It can be so grinding and constant. I’m so sorry. Managing to get through special days is a huge victory. One day, one moment at a time. If I can ever do anything for you, please let me know. Blessings to you…
Gary,
Thank you for writing this…I just hit my 1 year of losing my son. I have good days and bad days…I have a hard time sleeping and think of my son constantly..Grief can just hit me all of a sudden with no warning but then is usually followed with a few “good” days so I take that as healing gradually…I look forward to your emails they really help me…God bless you for doing what you do…
Hi Julie. Thanks for sharing. That anniversary is so, so tough. Yes, it sounds like healing is happening. It can feel so slow – but then again, good healing usually takes its time. This is a deep wound. Very deep. Keep being patient with yourself. You matter, deeply. Praying for you now…
Very helpful article. I have had two people who work with grieving very outwardly imply I should be farther along. Thank you for these wonderful words. I loved deeply and I grieve deeply but am healing little by little.
Praying for you and your ministry.
Hi Gayle. Thank you for sharing. Yes…our grief often reflects our loved. This takes time. Lots of it. I’m so sorry, Gayle. Thank you for taking your heart seriously. And thank you for your prayers!
Thank you for this. It is so empowering to know that we can continue to live with our grief. For me after 2 1\2 years having lived through the deepest swells of grief, I have found that when another swell comes it’s intensity is not so great,and it buoy me to know that it will not last forever if I don’t fight the wave but swim with it until it is done. My days are much more gentle and I have regained the ability to face other challenges that go with living.
Hi Laura. Thank you for sharing this. I love the way you put it. Well said. I’m proud of you for taking your heart seriously and grieving well. This is tough stuff, and you are doing well. Keep being as patient with yourself as possible. Blessings to you…
How do you get your Joy back I don’t have it like I used to . ? I’m hearing that I look sad all the time. and have no joy . my husband and I in the ministry . and its starting to affected it.
I read Gods word lie they say and always have, But I have a lot of down days , thank you for your help
Hi Charlene. Thanks for sharing this. And I’m so sorry you’re going through this. For most people, as they focus on grieving well, their joy seems to slowly return over time. God has made our hearts sensitive. We’re designed for relationship, and when someone dies, our hearts shake and often break. The Lord heals the broken-hearted, but he often takes time to do that, teaching us to trust him on deeper levels along the way. Keep breathing deeply. Be patient with yourself and the Lord as he heals you. And please feel free to email or ask questions any time. Blessings to you…
I’m not not the same person. I don’t take an interest in the same things. I have a hard time being around a lot of people.
I am more depressed, anxious. I feel like I’m on a roller coaster. Up and down. There are different triggers. I have been diagnosed with PTSD because of my husbands death with ALS. I just wish people could understand.
Hi Bev. I’m so sorry. You have really been through it – and are still going through it. Yes, it’s a roller coaster indeed. And yes, it would be nice if those around us simply accepted us where we are and allowed us to grieve and hurt. The world just doesn’t like grief – and tends to run from it or shun it. Ugh. Please feel free to email and vent – or share here. You are not alone, though many times I know it feels that way. Blessings to you today, Bev.