“Where did everyone go? Do we have some kind of disease? Are we contagious?” Sandra said, fire in her eyes.
Sandra’s daughter Sam was their firstborn. Sam and her little brother Stephen were quite a pair. They were together a lot and grew up close, the best of friends.
One Saturday they were heading across the street to the park in their neighborhood. A truck zoomed around the corner. As if by instinct, Sam yelled and shoved Stephen out of harm’s way. Sam died hours later in the hospital. She was eight years old.
“At first, we were inundated with support – calls, texts, and food. People were dropping by at all hours. Then, poof! Nothing,” Sandra continued.
“When we do see friends, it’s awkward. They glance at their phones or their watches. They never bring Sam up or say her name,” Sandra said, as she began to cry.
Loss changes friendships
When death strikes, it upends us. It upsets the equilibrium of our lives, including our relationships. Friendships are usually greatly affected.
When a loved one dies, our friendships are suddenly catapulted into unchartered territory. It’s as if we’ve been transported to some foreign country or alternate dimension. This is our life now, but our friends know nothing about this new, foreboding place.
Perhaps they visit us in this new land of loss and grief. This scares, even terrifies them. They look at their own lives and loved ones and shudder. This could happen to them too.
Our old life is gone. For the most part, our friends’ lives go on as before. The gap between us widens.
Some people we counted on disappear. Maybe they’re avoiding us. Perhaps they’re just going on with their own busy and demanding lives. The result is the same. They’re not there.
Others who were on the periphery move closer, wondering what they can do to help. Their eyes reveal compassionate hearts.
Strangers appear. Some know grief and are well-acquainted with loss. Perhaps they’ve even lost children. New friendships bud. Over time, they take root and grow.
Loss alters friendships. Some may evaporate, but others will thrive and deepen. Our hearts are shattered, but we can still feel supported, cared for, and loved.
We are not alone.
“Some friends have disappeared. The ones I need will step up. I’m not alone.”
A question to consider:
What do you sense you need most from your friends right now? Do they know this? Is there a way you can share this with them?
An exercise to try:
Write a letter to your friends (in general) about how they have reacted to you since the death of your loved one (a letter you will not send!). Be honest and uncensored. End the letter by describing what you hope for and need from your friends now, from here on out.
Adapted from the 2017 Best Book Awards Finalist and Amazon bestseller, Shattered: Surviving the Loss of a Child.
I’m really disappointed with most people in my life that I just don’t bother with anyone anymore, I now prefer to keep away from them all. It’s not that hard to express empathy & compassion, this has taught me trust no one, rely on no one. It’s my daughters & I now alone, thank God I have them.
Hi Tina. I’m so sorry. Yes, it can be lonely…and frustrating. I’m glad you have your daughters. I hope some good, safe people show up in your life – people you can trust. Thank you for sharing. And please feel free to share here any time.
It wasnt friends i lost but my fiance’s children & grandchildren. I havent seen them in the 6 years since he passed. I just dont understand. Did i really not mean anything to them in the 20 years i knew them & treated them as my own & loved them? Its like they fell off the face of the earth. Just gone!
Deb
Hi Deb. Oh no. I’m so sorry. Sometimes, the collateral damage can be so heavy. We can feel betrayed, rejected, and abandoned. You are not alone. Thank you for sharing. Again, I’m so sorry.
After my divorce from an abusive husband my 3 daughters have disowned me. They knew how he was to me but since I was the one who filed for divorce they have turned on me and feel abandoned. I have tried to stay in touch with texts, calls etc but none of them respond. 2 of the daughters are grown and married, they were both college graduates at the time of separation, one was 15.
What can I do to renew this relationship if they don’t respond or acknowledge my existence? I’m a broken hearted Mom. It’s been 5 years
Hi Kathy. Ugh. I’m so sorry. That sounds, well, truly awful. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard similar scenarios – the abused person files for divorce and gets blamed by the kids for breaking up the family. Sad. Wrong. Irrational. But common. Honestly, I don’t think there is anything you can do – other than pray. If they’re not willing to respond or engage, there’s not much left for you to attempt. You can keep reaching out, of course. Do what seems most consistent with who you are and your heart. Be the best you possible in the current situation. Guard your own heart well. Take care of yourself. Those are the priorities. And please feel free to reach out here any time. Again, I’m so sorry.
Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my 14 year old nieces, sudden and tragic death. I can see how far I’ve come, and yet there’s still so much healing needed. I’ve done your mini series, though doing it again would probably be helpful, and I’ve read your book Please Be Patient, and implored everyone in my family’s community to read it too. Shattered is next on my book list. Anyway.
This post showed up in my email this morning. For about 8 months I’ve been mulling over this grief problem – where did some of those whom I previously counted as part of my closest community go? I’ve felt so abandoned by them. And it makes me angry. Really, really angry. I’ve tried expressing this to some of them, but it’s like they have no capacity to see. Anyway, I feel like I’ve been stuck in this endless loop of hurt and anger because of it. I needed this: “Some friends have disappeared. The ones I need will step up. I’m not alone.” What soothing salve this is for me. Because it’s true. There has been a handful of faithful friends, who have climbed down in the pit with me. I’m hoping this phrase will help me re-frame this aspect of the grief and subsequent hurt and losses of friendship. The ones I needed stepped up. Thank You.
Hi Karen. Thanks so much for sharing this. Re-framing things in times of pain, grief, and loss is SO important. And you’re right – it is true. At least, I’ve found it to be true and so have thousands of others. We’re different now, and in order to heal and grow, it’s almost like we need some different people to help facilitate that – and in turn we help them heal and grow too. If I can ever help in any way, please let me know. Thanks again, Karen. Blessings…
Thank you so true.
I have been so lonesome for 5 1/2 years. One couple have stuck by us true thick and thin
Our 2 sons have abandon us…but it was their brother we lost.
Never call or come very stained if they do.
Christmas day has a complely different meaning.
God bless..
Hi Susan. I’m so sorry. It sounds incredibly painful. It’s amazing how loss can separate people, even families. Yes, it’s lonesome. Terribly so. If there’s ever any way I can help, please let me know. I’ll be glad to do whatever I can. We’re in this together, even though all of us might be lonely. Blessings to you, and thank you for sharing.
As they say, you truly find out who your true friends are when you are going through a crisis of any kind. It’s bad enough to be grieving, but being abandoned by friends makes it harder. I wish more people would realize what their grieving friends need. Great article.
Hi Sheila. Thanks for sharing. And me too. I wish everyone would take the time to listen to a grieving person and just meet them where they are in their pain. It would make a massive difference. In the meantime, those of us who know grief can find and encourage each other somehow. Glad to be in this with you.
Gary, I continue to be amazed at how deeply you “GET IT.” My grief life continues after almost 2 l/1 years but this is my new normal. Thank you for helping me accept my life as it is now. I pray so often for God’s help and I know he is hearing my prayers. You have been such a terrific teacher; thank you.
Hi Pat. Thanks for sharing. You made my day with this encouragement. I so appreciate it, and I’m humbled by it. May God continue to comfort us and use us to comfort others. Stay in touch. Blessings to you!
Very helpful, thank you.
Hi Gloria. Thank you!
When my much loved husband passed away suddenly in July 2016, I was surprised & hurt by the apparent lack of concern, or the appearance of such, by friends & family. Hardly any of my relatives bothered to show up for his memorial service, after my attending every one of their kids graduations, etc. Not one person from our church brought me so much as a crumb of food, so the accounts of many casseroles coming to the house, didn’t apply to me, just one woman came to visit from the church. I received some phone calls right after he passed, but that was it. My lady friends that I had before, offered the most support at the time, but even they seemed to grow impatient with my “prolonged” grieving for my husband. We had no children, and he was my life, for over 34 years. But in that time, I tried to stay in contact with my friends, often having them to the house to share dinner with me & my husband. Single friends were included to join us while out for a meal at a nearby restaurant, so I did not exclude friends from our life, whle together. Maybe people just assume that the immediate family will take care of consoling the widow or bereaved, but I could count on one hand, the people who cared enough to contact me. Maybe they don’t want to see firsthand, up close & personal, what death, and deep sorrow & grief look like, until it’s their turn. We weren’t that old – I’m now in my mid 60s and see a lot of couples a lot older than we were, still enjoying their lives together.. I am trying to get on with my unwanted widowhood, but have managed to do it mostly alone. If it weren’t for the company of my 4 dogs who love me unconditionally, I don’t think I would have moved on as well as I seemed to. I stay active at church, and most people marvel at “how well I am doing” while I am thinking “no thanks to you”. I don’t want to be bitter, but it sure looks like what our Lord Jesus’observed in the latter days when “The Love of many will wax cold”. For the most part- I’ve had to walk that lonesome valley by myself, and with the Lord’s help, and my pets, too. I know what this feels like, so when another lady lost her husband almost a year later than mine – I took her places with me, and saw to it that she wasn’t alone. You just don’t ever, get over the loss of a beloved spouse, and at my age – do not even want to consider anyone else.
Hi Lovey. I’m so sorry about your husband. Thank you for sharing about him – and your marriage – with us. Yes, this journey can get so lonely. And yes, the Lord will supply pets and everything else you need for this grief road – most of all, himself. He is always walking with us in our pain and grief. He knows, and he feels it with us. And thank you for caring for others in their grief. As God comforts us, we can comfort others. Please feel to write and reach out here any time, Lovey. Blessings to you.
Isn’t this the truth!! We experienced the exact same thing. My best friend is far from one now, didn’t interrupt her vacation in Cuba when Stephen died. Our kids grew up together, she “couldn’t get a flight” wow. I would have flown across the world had one of her kids died. Other people, who I knew but were not that close to, have stepped up and become close, people I can talk to, people who text me on days like Valentines day yesterday, knowing I’ll be thinking of my Valentine Angel. Some people stay, others go on and expect you to move on. No connection there at all.
HI Diane. Thanks for sharing. It’s a real mixed bag, isn’t it. Maybe people’s responses to grief are like a box of chocolates. I’m so sorry. I know this has been harrowing, frustrating, angering, and confusing. Not to mention exhausting. If I can help, please let me know. Blessings to you…
Thank you so much for this. This explains how I feel. It is nice to know it is not just me.
This grief journey sucks…..
Hi Angel. Thanks for sharing. Glad to be in this with you. You are definitely not alone. Please feel free to reach out any time.