Christmas is upon us.
For those who are grieving, our losses swim before our eyes. The memories assault us. Perhaps we manage a smile, but our hearts are broken.
Yes, I could talk about 8 tips for handling grief and the holidays or 5 tips for dealing with holiday loneliness. As important and helpful as such things can be, when we encounter Christmas Eve and Day without our loved one, everything seems a bit like trying to cover a large, open wound with a tiny band-aid.
There are no words for this.
There is no magic pill or substance that can drive the grief and pain away.
There is no fix for this, and there is no going back.
We feel their absence.
We love, and so we mourn.
Different, yet traveling together
Some of us may have answers. Some of us may have none. Some of us aren’t satisfied with our answers or those given to us. Some of us have some closure, while others do not.
Some around us will not understand. We may be judged, criticized, or belittled. The loneliness and sadness can be intense.
Thankfully, there are those who “get it.” The valley of grief is well populated.
Though our losses are all unique, we travel this valley together. The path is rough, uneven, and unpredictable. We stumble, then steady one another. We fall, then pick each other up. We encourage, comfort, and speak truth. We offer listening ears and open hearts. Along the way, we help each other find hope.
Finding hope through kindness
I believe there’s always hope, even if all the circumstances argue against it. Maybe I’m too optimistic. I don’t know.
I do know this: we can all express kindness and compassion to those around us, perhaps even to a few we don’t know. We can reach out, touch someone, and give, even in our pain.
We can put our grief to work and make more of a difference than we realize. The ripple effects of small acts of kindness can be extraordinary.
We can be a blessing, even as we travel through the valley of grief. Our world desperately needs people who will be kind, no matter what.
Thank you for your kindness to me. So many of you bring me such encouragement with your comments and emails. I’m honored to be able to journey with you. Thank you for giving me that privilege. I’m glad we’re in this together.
So, from me and my family to you, Merry Christmas. Happy Holidays.
Merry Christmas. It’s been 3 years since my husband passed away. This is the 4th Christmas without him. It’s hard because he loved Christmas like a child and made everyone else enjoy it. My children went out of town to see my parents and sisters. I stayed home alone to fill out paperwork to get my disability check started. This was the first year I watched Christmas movies. I hope next year will be better for me. Thanks for all you do to help us with your books and articles.
Hi Lisa. Thanks for sharing. I’m so sorry about your husband. I hope the holidays went okay, even with all the circumstances involved. If I can ever help you in any way, please let me know. Keep being nice to yourself.
Dear Gary,
Though we’ve not met nor do we know one another’s story, I know you know the journey I’m on.
Your words have encouraged and strengthened me beyond anything I could have imagined, they have touched my heart and soothed it.
Thank you so very much for loving and serving God’s people even in our suffering and brokenness. The service you give is so needed and so healing. You are helping me day by day.
May our Lord and Father continue blessing you in His mercy and grace. Merry Christmas and blessings for the coming new year.
Hi Jeanne. Thanks so much for sharing and for your support and encouragement. Your words to me mean more than you know. I’m glad we’re in this together. We need each other, badly. If I can ever do anything for you, please let me know!
Merry Christmas to you and your’s, Gary. Thank you so much for all you do. You truly are a blessing to me. I hope God will bring me to people in my life I can pass on blessings to. I stay open to see opportunities and watch for chances to make a little difference. I tried to prepare for the Holidays with ways to remember and honor my husband and our life together while honoring Jesus and God’s generous Gift. People that I made plans with, that I thought loved and cared about me have backed out. That hurts. Looks like I will not only be alone Christmas Eve and Day, but no where to go even alone. It hurts, not only that it didn’t work out – but being betrayed by the people I thought loved me, makes me feel even lonelier. Not sure how it’s going to work out. God always has a plan. We’ll see what happens. My attempts and ideas failed, I have to look at that as telling me that God has something else in store for me and stay open to His Plan. Thanks, Gary
Hi Connie. Thanks for sharing. I’m so thankful for your faith. I trust that the holidays went okay, even with all the sadness and loneliness. The Lord shares our loneliness. He knows all about feeling different, alone, and even like an outcast. He knows what you feel, and feels it with you. If I can help, please let me know. Blessings to you, and thanks so much for your encouragement.
Merry Christmas Gary, I love reading your messages. I lost my little boy last year October 24. Last Christmas was just all a blur as I was just going through the motions. However this year has been incredibly hard, as I am now awake & dealing with the reality of it all. I am in so much pain, I don’t have any desire to celebrate at all.
Hi Frances. Thanks for sharing, and I’m so sorry about your son. A loss like that is so horrific, frustrating, and sad. Very sad. It changes everything. No wonder you feel as you do, especially this time of year. I hope the holidays went okay, even with all the heaviness involved. If I can help, please let me know. Blessings to you…
Thank you for always having such encouraging words. Truly, by being kinds to others, it can bring us some solace and peace.
Wishing you a Merry Christmas, as we remember the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ. May you receive many blessings in the New Year.
Hi Miriam. Thank you for sharing, and well said! Thanks for your encouragement. You are a blessing.
This is the first year that I have even tried to get into the holidays since my son died 6 years ago. I have spent every waking moment making gifts for family, friends, & my bus kids. Everything was going great until this last week. I put my heart & soul into each gift and not one person even bothered to say thanks. One of my coworkers started causing problems for me at work & I found out once again my other son does not plan on celebrating any of the holiday with me. Since I lost my son & husband my other son has not bothered to spend any holidays with me. He spends every holiday with his inlaws. He hardly ever comes around. My granddaughter is almost 2 and I’ve maybe seen her 6 times. Last year I also lost my dad. My mom lives out of state & my siblings have their families to celebrate with. I am living with someone who I love very much & last year I got to spend the holiday with his family. I felt like an outsider intruding on them. This year I was hoping to have a good holiday. I have worked hard on making gifts for everyone. But everything I do to try to make the holidays good I get Scrooged by my boyfriend & others around me. I tried not to let it get to me. Kept thinking if I did nice things for others it would come back & someone would do something nice for me. Instead it has backfired & when I expressed how hurt I was when I was told I wouldn’t have a gift to open on Christmas & no family to spend it with everyone got pissed at me. Now I can’t even go to his families for Christmas. Since I lost my son & husband I have lost my whole family. No one seems to understand or care how alone I feel. They all have other family to celebrate with. I have no one. No one has ever went out of their way to try to make the holidays special for me. But at least my husband would buy me a gift & my son always showed up. They at least showed a little appreciation. Now no one seems to care how I feel or appreciate my efforts. Everything I do ends up wrong. I have a good heart & unfortunately it gets hurt easy. Though I seldom let people know when it does because it just makes things worse. No matter how hard I try it never changes. I’m supposed to understand and forgive them but no one even tries to understand how I feel & no one ever appologizes when they hurt me. I’m expected to appologizes for being hurt. I have never felt more alone & less cared about. I don’t want to keep feeling this way. I know deep down they care even though they don’t show it. But the pain is to much to handle at times and the harder I try to make things better the worse I end up screwing things up & the more alone I am. I sometimes think they would be better off without me around but I can’t put them thru the pain of losing me or maybe it’s I can’t put me thru the pain of losing them. I don’t know. All I know is every day sucks & Holidays suck even more. I just want to be happy again. But I don’t know how. Nothing I do works. It just makes it worse and the pain is too much to bear.
Hi Linda. Thank you for sharing this. I’m so sorry. It sounds like things just came crashing in on you from every direction. I hope the holidays went somewhat okay, even with all these negative factors. No wonder you’re hurting and feel as you do. Collateral damage – other losses beyond just the one loss – can really pile up. Do you have someone where you are that you can share freely with and vent to? We all need safe people like that in our lives. Please let me know if I can help.
This is just so hard with the holidays. How can you be festivity when your heart is gone. I try to put up a good front but im crying inside and lots of time my tears seep out. I cant control them. I hope i can make it. Thank you for your support. God Bless.
HI Joni. Thanks for sharing this. Yes, this time of year can be so, so challenging. And, you’re right – we have little to no control over those grief emotions that can surge up and hijack us at a moment’s notice. Please try to be as patient with yourself as possible. If I can help, please let me know. Blessings to you today.
And Merry Christmas to you and yours too. You have helped me so much with your articles. You are a true angel.
Hi Sheila. Thank you for your kind and encouraging words. We need each other, don’t we? Glad to be in this with you!
Thank you for your kindness and compassion for all of us grieving for our loved ones. Merry Christmas to you and yours. God bless for all you do.
Hi Pat. Thanks for your support and encouragement. Your words mean more than you know! Blessings to you…
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I am more able to handle my grief although not new it has affected me for 7 years. First my 46 year old daughter Vicki, then my 43 year old son two years later, then my grandson in 2015, then my sister in 2016. I am now at a place that I can see I am getting better and able to enjoy the many blessings in my life. It is always good to hear that others have a hard time with the holiday, not feeling alone in this journey is a gift.
Hi Judie. I’m so proud of you. So much loss. And you have faced it and are grieving through it. You are healing and growing. Way to go! Thank you for taking your heart seriously. If I can ever do anything for you, please give me a shout.
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement! I have started seeing a Councilor and she also has been very helpful
In one year I lost four who were closest to my heart. My daughter in law, my best FRIEND, my husband and my soul mate, my confident, my very best friend my Boxer! The pain of missing him is still so deep in my heart
Again I want to Thank you for taking the time to respond to my request. Merry Christmas to you and yours. Most Sincerely
LINDA
HI Linda. Thanks for sharing. Goodness. SO much loss – close losses too. I’m so sorry. I’m glad you’ve got good support and that the counseling is helping. There are some great folks out there, ready and skilled to help. And thank you for your encouragement. I really appreciate it!
Merry Christmas, Gary, and wishing you a very Happy New Year. Thank you for your love and support during these past few months. The widowed spouse support group has meant a lot to me; it is a great service that HBV provides to the community.
Hi Betty. Thanks for sharing and for your kind encouragement! You are a joy. I hope your holidays had some joy and peace in them. Blessings to you!
Merry Christmas Gary, I pray that all of us who deal with loss during the Christmas season will find a way to endure through the season. May we find comfort and life in the birth of the Baby Jesus. May we hear the voices of our angels in heaven singing to the shepherds to comfort their fears and announce the birth of the baby Jesus (new life). Merry Christmas to all and have a Healthy Happy New Year
Hi Christina. Thanks for sharing, and well said. Blessings to you!
Thanks Gary for walking through that valley with us….
Howdy Chuck. You are a joy, my friend. Blessings to you!
Approaching the upcoming holidays is often unnerving, filling us with dread and angst. Often leaving me thinking, how can I bury my head in the sand and come out after all the “happy holidays”???
Biggest help for me is putting my energy toward a project that helps people whose lives are less fortunate than mine, those that are homeless or in rehabs. I created a “Socks for Christian” drive in memory of my son, that actually includes a silly story of past Christmas’. In his memory, I keep moving forward. Peace.
Hi Mary. Thanks for sharing. Socks for Christian – I love it! Thank you for using your grief to honor him and help others. That’s huge, and says a lot about your heart. I’m so proud of you. If I can ever help in any way, please let me know. Blessings to you…
Merry Christmas Gary. I have enjoyed your monthly emails. I am in a much better place this Christmas. Last Christmas was my first Christmas without my husband and I was just going through the motions and waiting for it to be over. I especially missed his voice as we sang Christmas Carols at my brother’s house on Christmas Eve. It was a very sombre gathering as we were all missing him. With the passing of a year, I find it easier to get on with living. I know that I am responsible for my own happiness. It just takes time to adjust to life without someone who was such a big part of it, and find out who you are without him. I trust that God has a plan for me and I will find ways to make my life more fulfilling and give of my time and talents. I wish you all the best in the new year.
Hi Rhonda. Thanks for sharing. I so appreciate it. I know God has a plan for you, and it is better than you know. He will use you, I am sure of this. You are a blessing. I’m glad things are better, and I’m so proud of you for taking your heart seriously. If I can ever help in any way, please let me know. Blessings to you, Rhonda.
Thank you, Gary.
HI Margery. Hope you are well. Blessings to you!