Life is full of surprises. Some are great. Some are good. Some are, well, not what we would want. Some are painful, even tragic.
When we get surprised by a hit – a death, betrayal, affair, divorce, financial disaster, job loss – our hearts shudder. Emotion surges forth. Life is no longer business as usual.
The Heart: A Unique Combo of Logic and Emotion
“I’m slow at this grief thing. I’m learning to express what I’m feeling. Sharing what I’m going through isn’t natural for me,” Art said.
“I’m not good at it, but I’m trying,” he continued, smiling.
Art lost his wife, Sylvia, several months previously. He was in new territory. He didn’t feel like himself. No wonder.
All of us live using a unique combo of logic and emotion. You may normally operate more in one realm than the other. When in shock or grief, however, emotion begins to take over. No matter who we are, logic tends to take a back seat.
When Feelings Hijack Us
When disaster strikes, emotions can hijack us. Suddenly we find ourselves underneath the wave, gasping for air, soaked with an unusual intensity of feelings.
Expressing emotion is important. Some keep a journal. Other speak it out loud. Others might write letters to a departed loved one.
It’s surprising how powerful a simple, “I feel sad,” or “I feel angry,” can be.
Pay attention to your feelings. Your heart is worth it.
Here’s an affirmation for today:
“I’ll learn to pay attention to what I’m feeling. This is part of honoring you.”
With practice, we can learn to ride the waves that once buried us. Emotions are real, but they are not necessarily reality. Feel them. Process them.
Over time, your heart will find balance again. But it will be different than before because you are not the same.
Adapted from Heartbroken: Healing from the Loss of a Spouse (Amazon Bestseller, USA Best Book Award Finalist, National Indie Excellence Book Award Finalist)
Question: What emotion seems to hijack you most frequently?
I lost my husband to cancer 12 years go & way too soon. He was my rock I leaned on.I am a survivor of it & had hopes for a cure.Lived in Tx. for a while & after he was gone, moved back home & my 4 children are here, but I am alone most of the time. & 2 best friends gone too soon. Nothing is the same. An old saying, “You can’t go back”, so true. Holidays are the hardest as he loved Christmas. Best I can do is one day at a time, some much harder than others.
Hi Sue. Thanks for sharing. You are so right. One day at a time. One hour, one moment at a time. This is uncharted territory, and we never know what’s coming next. Please be kind to yourself and reach out here any time. If I can help, please let me know. I’m so sorry about your husband. Yes, that loss changes everything.
How can I feel relief and sadness at the same time ? My husband of 15years died October 22,2017, so far its been the first of everything ,I handled Thanksgiving OK , but this Christmas is really going to be hard for one it was his favorite Holiday he always went all out , in and out . I haven’t done one thing for Christmas . When I see the light around town it makes me cry and feel so sad,I know I’m going to have so many more first time without him . But how can I keep going on ? I feel like it should of been me not him. But he knew he was dying . He accepted it why can’t I ?
Hi Donna. Thank you for asking and for sharing this. Yes, it is completely possible to feel both sad and relieved – because in this case, both are true. His death is sad. And there are usually a number of things to feel relieved about. And no wonder you’re not looking forward to Christmas – his death is so recent and so fresh. At this point, just do what you need to do to take your own heart seriously and take care of yourself this holiday season. And our hearts are very slow to accept what we do not want to be. It takes times. Sometimes lots of time. Your heart will know. I’m so sorry. If I can help you in any way, please let me know. Blessings…
I lost my brother 19 years ago June 1998, this year my mom, who had a long term kidney transplant which was almost 15 years ago, sadly she developed lymphoma from the transplant drugs..
Not sure how much she had even without the cancer transplants can last more than 15 years but it was not from a living donor so having it for 6 more more years until the 20th year was likely not possible..she wanted me to be able to deal with it I knew it was coming someday of course our parents generally leave us first, in my brothers case, he was very young, she kept saying she needed to put things into prospective, I guess I understand it was just hard to see her go though all of that my brother had cancer in his teen years, in the end, she never wanted to go thru the chemo I think she was trying to prolong her life she was worried about leaving me luckily we had a lot of time to spend I was almost 47 so I was lucky she was still around for that long, she had been on dialysis for 6 years before the transplant and was afraid of dying at that time, my dad knew her for almost 50years but doesn’t talk about her or what they talked about, I am currently living in her house but want to leave am working on doing that my dad doesn’t take care of things as well as se did I am afraid he will,not be able to function he has mental illness has for many years I just feel like there’s been so much bad luck there was a lot of love she made this place a home but now it’s so empty I’m not sure how to carry on, but know I must, I hope to have a better year next year, but it will be the 20th anniversary of my brothers death, I had thought she would still be here for a few more years I thought she had until 2019 at least..miss them both..
Hi Rachel. Thank you for sharing. And I’m so sorry. There is a lot on your plate…and has been. Figuring out what to do can seem like a huge, massive challenge. If there’s any way I can help, please reach out. Take things one day at a time, as much as possible. Loss sort of jades our vision of the future, and we have trouble looking ahead. That might be good, because each day has enough stress and emotion of its own right now. Blessings to you, Rachel.
I lost my husband of 45 years and theee weeks on August 15 due to an accident at home with a lawn mower. I still cannot believe it. I want him to come home to me, yet at the same time I rejoice that he is now where he’s wanted to be for as long as I’ve known him. I just miss him terribly. Outside of the Lord, he was my everything, I feel so lost. I’m having to take care of a business, an estate and our home without him. I have no idea how to do most of it. Frustrating, lonely, agonizing. The pain is horrendous. I cry everyday. I just miss him.???
Hi Jeanne. Oh no. I’m so sorry. How traumatic, sudden, and confusing. And no wonder you feel lost. When two become one, and for so many years, how do we do this? Ugh. Please be kind to yourself and patient with yourself. If there’s any way I can help, please let me know. Praying for you now…
My beautiful daughter,Lindsey passed away suddenly with no warning in 2015. She was my baby girl..she had a whole life ahead of her..the emotion ive had ever since,is one that brings me to my knees in a heartbeat. It hurts …
Hi Deanne. Oh no. I’m so sorry. Yes, it hurts, terribly. Please be kind to yourself through this, and get around people who are helpful to you. If there’s anything I can do, please let me know. Please reach out here and share any time. I know you feel alone in this – how can you not – but there are plenty of others of us on this grief road. Blessings to you. And thank you for sharing Lindsey with us.
After I lost my husband I felt a sudden emptiness in my life that lasted for several months & still have problems with from time to time. Now I think that feeling is developing into the realization that he’s not coming back and nothing is going to be the same. I realize now the emphasis has to be on making the adjustments and moving forward. He’ll always be a major part of my life as we shared so many years together and I don’t want to loose those memories. I know it’s not going to be easy but know I have to try.
Hi Arlene. Thank you for sharing this. I’m so sorry about your husband. What a massive loss that changes everything – and that’s putting it lightly. No words can fully describe it. And you are right – so right – constant adjustment. It’s almost like learning to walk again, but with a broken leg – or no legs at all. Please be patient with yourself, and feel free to share here any time. Blessings to you…
After two years I am still so broken hearted. I keep thinking it is time for Gene to come home. He has been gone long enough. I still don’t feel he is really gone. I express my feeling but it doesn’t seem as if people understand. I feel like I am just at a “way station”.
Hi Gaylene. Thank you for sharing. A “way station” – what a good description. Ugh. At times, it feels like we’re stuck in time – like we’re not ourselves anymore and have been thrust into an entirely new life we didn’t choose or want. Talk about frustrating! Please keep being kind to yourself – this is so hard. And please keep sharing, as you wish. You are a blessing.