“What’s happening to me?” Maureen asked, her voice trembling.
“I’m nervous. I shake inside. I wake up panicky in the middle of the night. I can’t settle down. Yesterday, I had an anxiety attack in the grocery store,” she continued. “I seem to be anxious all the time, about everything.”
Maureen’s daughter Molly began having sudden vision problems. A visit to the eye doctor morphed into a trip to the ER. By the end of the day, Maureen had been told that Molly had an advanced, inoperable brain tumor.
Molly died two years later. She was eight years old.
Molly’s treatment was an intense, exhausting process. Those two years seemed like a lifetime. Her parents managed to hold it together through it all. Soon after the funeral, however, things changed. The intense activity came to a grinding halt, and all the anxiety stored up in them began to spurt out.
“I worry about everything. What’s going to happen next? Who’s next?” Maureen asked, hands shaking, her eyes pleading for relief.
Anxiety is common in grief
When loss shatters our world, anxiety is usually one of the results.
Our sense of control is gone. We feel helpless. We wonder what will happen next.
Our loved one’s death calls many things into question. The world and life are not as fair as we imagined. We’re not as powerful as we thought. We’re have far less control than we dreamed.
Anything can happen at any time to ourselves or to anyone we love and care about.
Anxiety is the natural result.
We are limited beings. We can only handle so much stress, loss, and tragedy. The anxiety builds. Sooner or later, we begin to feel it. It slowly leaks, spurts out, or bursts forth in a flood.
Our lives have been forcefully altered. Anxiety and panic attacks are common.
Anxiety is a natural expression of our grief.
“I’m anxious. That’s natural. Losing you is traumatic.”
An exercise to try:
“Just breathe,” is a common phrase in grief recovery circles. Breathing deeply can be one of the best practices to implement when anxiety hits.
Take some time now, and breathe.
- Close your eyes and breathe in deeply and slowly through your nose.
- Then let it out slowly through your mouth.
- Repeat, again and again.
- Do this for several minutes, focusing on your own breathing as much as possible.
Do this simple breathing exercise at least once each day. Practicing it when you’re not anxious is important. Once deep breathing becomes a habit, you can apply it much more easily when anxiety or panic strikes.
Over time, a well-practiced habit of breathing deeply can make a huge difference.
Adapted from the recently released bestseller SHATTERED: Surviving the Loss of a Child. View the Shattered videos here: Gary, Michelle
Hi it is coming up to 11 year since I lost my husband who died suddenly we were together for 43years and I loved him so much I have suffered anxiety ever since dr put me on medication it seems to work sometime but I still have bad days after losing my husband I got a German shepherd he was my saviour but unfortunately I lost him last September it was like losing my husband all over again so my anxiety has been bad again it is good to be able to tell somebody how I am feeling thankyou
Hi Christine. I’m so sorry – about your husband and your shepherd. A pet can be so, so significant, for so many reasons. And yes, that anxiety can be BAD. Thank you for sharing. Feel free to share here, vent or whatever, any time. Blessings to you…
It will be 7 years on December 10 since my son died. This year I have had extreme anxiety and then depression, spent the month of October in a despite and am on meds. Felt good for a few weeks and now I am having anxiety all over again….probably because my son went into the ER the day before Thanksgiving and was given a procedure that caused him to go into cardiac arrest…he lived in a coma until Dec 10, when he passed….why fiud this happen 7 years after he passed? Thought I was getting through the grief but I guess not!
Should say I spent October in a respite!
Hi Beverly. I’m so sorry about your son. What a traumatic, frustrating, confusing time that must have been. And yes, those things linger. I wish I knew why we encounter grief as we do, and when. But no wonder you’re experiencing difficulty at this time of year! As time goes on, the loss sinks into our hearts in deeper ways, and that can be hard in many ways. Please feel free to reach out here, vent, share, or whatever. You are not alone.
I am so sorry for your pain and the resulting grief and anxiety. I lost my 39 year old daughter this Christmas. She struggled with a horrible mental health disease a d could take it no more. My grief is raw. My anxiety gnawes are my stomach and chest at night. I cannot sleep. I’m hypersensitive to tragedy. I think I may never be ok again. Some in my family even suggested I was responsible for much girl’s death…adding immeasurable suffering to my broken heart. There is no formula or shortcut to grieving. No one can truly understand your pain. Your fears. The anxiety. Your world has forever changed. I would sit by you in quiet of listen or hug you if you needed a hug. I do not know you, put I will pray that God will comfort and e with you in this valley.
Hi Carolann. Thank you for sharing – and thank you for caring for others. I’m so sorry for what you are enduring. You’re right – the world has changed forever. If there’s anything I can ever do for you, please let me know. Blessings to you…
“Anxiety is a natural expression of grief.” This is new to me and helps me know that it is normal. At 8 years in after losing my husband and both parents in 4 minths’ time, I still wake up every morning with a sense of fear and anxiety. So I turn on my light and get right into telling God how I feel and ask Him to help me hear Him as I am reading my Bible. I cry as I read and find that to be a release. Complicated and layered grief is so challenging. I couldn’t do this without my personal relationship with God. I need Him every second of every day and He has promised that He will never leave me.
Hi Candy. Thank you for sharing. I’m so thankful for your faith. The fact that God is in it with us, and feels our grief with us, makes all the difference for me. And to know that one day, this grief will have an end. I’m so proud of you. Keep trusting, resting in Him. If I can support you in any way, please let me know. Praying for you now…
I suffered with agoraphobia and anxiety for more than 20 years after the suicide of BIL and then 6 years later the murder suicide of my grandparents. Grief is something that changes us from the inside that must come out if we don’t deal with it some other way. God is slowly healing me after moving away from the area all of this happened in which has brought new life back into me after years of not living myself. Thanks for the article
Hi Angie. Thanks so much for sharing this. You have really been through it – and these losses are horrendous. I’m so proud of you for taking your heart seriously and beginning to heal from all this. Yes, God is healing you. If I can support you in any way, please let me know. I’m here to help. Praying for you today…
“Anxiety is the natural expression of our grief.” I have never heard that said and it takes the load off of my shoulders. It’s been 8 years and I still wake up every morning feeling anxious and fearful since the loss of my husband and both parents all within 4 months’ time. I get up, turn my light on and grab my Bible to read for awhile. Usually I cry while I am reading which relieves those feelings for awhile. Thank you for all the wisdom you share about grief and all its effects on us.
I’m still struggling nearly 7 years on after my beautiful daughter took her own life. The grief is so complicated and I wonder if I have post traumatic stress disorder. I wake in the night with feelings of panic too. My husband, younger daughter and I have had to distance ourselves from some family members who have made our grieving so much worse with their insensitive comments and assumptions as to why our daughter died. I tried counselling but it was a disaster and left me feeling suicidal myself. I wish now I’d reported her, she was the wrong person and didn’t have a clue about child loss, especially suicide loss of a child! The stigma is so hard to bear and I feel so isolated.
Hi Sue. Thank you for sharing. I’m so sorry about your daughter. And you’re right – a loss like that would be difficult and very complicated. Panic attacks – especially when waking up – are common in cases of heavy, traumatic losses. And the panic is awful. And the collateral damage can be severe – like the insensitive comments of others. Again, I’m so sorry – it should not happen, but does, all the time. Ugh. Is there a Compassionate Friends group in your area. They specialize in reaching out to those who have lost children, of any age. Just Google The Compassionate Friends, and see what you think. If there’s not a group in your area, please try Bereaved Parents USA. The loneliness of it all can be stifling. Please feel free to contact me any time. I’ll help any way I can. Praying for you now…
Thank you Gary for your response. I’m in the UK but have found the best online groups are in the US! Struggling at the moment as my daughter’s anniversary is next month. How hard this journey is but I’m not alone, so many others suffering too. Trying to keep positive, I fight the negative thoughts every day.
Hi Sue. Thank you for sharing. I’m so sorry about your daughter. And those anniversaries can be so tough. You’re right – you’re not alone. It’s amazing we can reach across oceans and walk together through this. If there’s ever anything I can do for you, please let me know.
I often wonder why I am having anxiety attacks. My story is almost the same as your example. Only it was my 7 year old son. It was 3 years of treatment. I had 4 other sons at home. It was such a difficult time for our family. My son Gregory died soon after his 11th birthday. Thank you for explaining anxiety in a way that I understood it.
Hi Robin. I’m so sorry about Gregory. Ugh. No wonder anxiety strikes you at times. It’s not you – it’s the anxiety of losing a son, and all that comes with that. Please take your heart seriously and take good care of yourself – and please let me know if I can help. Praying for you now…
My grieving is not over a physical death, but rather having been abused by my dad. Yesterday I took an important step in sharing my story; this morning I woke with anxiety, wondering if I will eventually lose connection with my siblings, who hold an idealized view of our childhood.
Your article here reminds me that grieving is part of healing. Fear of future loss spurs anxiety which is tied to grieving over the past.
Hi Mark. Thanks for sharing this. I’m so honored that you wrote this – and so proud of you. What guts. Way to go! And, if it helps any, I still feel a wave of fear and shame after sharing my story. It passes more quickly now, but it’s no fun. I’m sorry we’re members of this not so exclusive fraternity. But we will survive, and heal, and grow – and somehow turn that stuff into gains for ourselves and others. Again, so proud of you!
It will be two years in mid-September since my dear husband passed. I still get anxiety attacks, no telling where or when. Thank you for the breathing lesson; I will use it. I know that most people don’t understand grief unless they have lost a loved one and they think we should “get over it by now”. It doesn’t work that way. I thank you for this place of sharing, and helping.
Hi Audrey. You’re right. We don’t get over people. Impossible. We somehow adjust and heal, but we never get over them and we’re never the same again. I’m sorry about those attacks – they just testify how much you loved him, and love him still. If I can ever help, please let me know. Blessings to you, Audrey.
Audrey.
It has been almost two years since I lost my husband. I find the second year is worse than the first. The first year I was numb now it is real. There is no escaping it. I have been waking up feeling panicked. What sleep I do get is restless. I don’t feel safe or secure anymore. I lost my parents over 20 years ago and my brother 7 months after losing my husband. I only have two sisters left and they are older than me. I fear that I will be all alone some day. That’s what I fear the most. Lonliness.
Hi Patty. Thanks for sharing. Yes, the loneliness can be intense. I think that is really our basic fear under all the others – being abandoned and alone. I’m so sorry. Please stay connected with those who love and care for you – and feel free to reach out here any time. Glad we’re in this together.
How did you know? This week it will be 2 years since my husband passed away. I spent the summer giving away his clothes and now I am panicky all the time again. Having anxiety attacks, AGAIN, and over and over. I needed to see this today. Thank you.
Hi Linda. Yes, that anxiety can boomerang back again and again. Triggers are everywhere. Please know that you’re okay. One phrase that helped me was, “It’s not me, it’s anxiety.” You are not your anxiety. It will come and go. You will heal and grow. If there’s any way I can help, give me a shout.
Gary, 17 months ago I was told my marriage was over. I moved out 6 weeks later and had to live with friends til I could afford a small place. Anxiety was common, I was traumatized, while he was a free spirit eager to go headlong into the dating he had been hiding from me.
Yesterday I was served summons for divorce, and all the feelings of pain and injustice, disappointment and anger came rushing back. I’m trying to determine whether to try to get some spousal support, as he makes 4-5 x what I do, or to trust God and let the door close quietly behind me.
My hope lies in that at some point this will all be over, as He has never been willing to be reconciled. I trust that far better awaits me.
Thanks for your input and support through the process. It is indeed painful, moreso than death, as it is a choice.
Peggy Sanders
Hi Peggy. Thank you for sharing. I’m so sorry about what you’ve endured and are enduring. And yes, that’s a tough, tough choice you’re facing. I will be praying for clear guidance for you on that – for there are benefits to both options. I too trust that far better awaits you. A friend of mine says, “It takes two to make a marriage, but only one to kill it.” So true. All you can do is make your choices, as best you can. Guard your heart, and take it seriously. You are worth it. Please feel free to reach out any time. Blessings…
It’s has been 10 months since I lost my husband of 53 years to cancer. I still have panic attacks once on awhile. It’s such a horrible feeling. Thank you for this article. At least I know I’m not going crazy.
Hi Karen. Yes, it can be awful. Thank you for sharing. Please be very kind to yourself and patient with yourself. Often our anxiety is simply our bodies adjusting to the unthinkable – and it comes in waves. I’m so sorry. You’re far from crazy! Please feel free to shout out to me any time. I’m here to help. Blessings to you…