One Sunday afternoon when I was fifteen, my dad had a massive heart attack and collapsed in front of me. They resuscitated him at the hospital, but he never regained consciousness. For a week I sat by his bed and talked about anything and everything that came into my mind.
I knew he wasn’t going to make it.
Since there was no evidence of any brain activity, the doctors asked for permission to turn off the machines. Dad died several hours later.
I had been living with my dad, just the two of us. It wasn’t a perfect relationship, but I loved him. When he died, I felt lost. He had been my home.
Another family stepped up and took me in. Even though they already had four kids, they welcomed me in as one of their own. It was wonderful. They helped me heal.
Then November and December rolled around. First dad’s birthday, and then Christmas. I was having a blast with my new family, but I also felt terribly sad. My heart ached.
I missed my dad.
Holidays can mess with our hearts
Special days bring up and magnify our losses. We become keenly aware of who’s missing.
I think of feel-good Christmas classics like Miracle on 34th Street, It’s a Wonderful Life, and White Christmas. The backstories of these films include tragedy, illness, economic disaster, war, death, depression, and the difficulty of aging. Perhaps that’s why they’re classics. They give us hope. They’re about overcoming our losses. Though life is tough, love and goodness can still win out.
I’ve had almost 40 years of holidays without my dad. The ache has gotten better, but it’s still there. I’ve gotten used to that hole in my heart and have learned to appreciate it.
I miss him. I’m supposed to.
Using special days to heal
We never get over a person. We learn to get through tough times in the healthiest way possible. And that includes birthdays, anniversaries, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and all the other special days.
Like those holiday classic movies, many of our special days will be about overcoming. The goal isn’t to merely survive, but to make those special days work for us in less and help us heal.
How can we use that special day to honor our loved one, express our love for them, and also loved those around us in the process?
Holidays can be tough. But they can still be good.
Adapted from the 2016 Book Excellence Award Finalist, Surviving the Holidays Without You: Navigating Grief During Special Seasons
Photo Credit: ©photodune.net
I have had a lot of loss in my life but those closest to me do not understand why I am still depressed. I miss them. They are the ones who truly loved me 38 years without my mother, 28 years without one that was like my mother and on and on!’n. Thank you for your wonderful words!!!
HI Sheila. Thank you for sharing, and for your encouragement! Yes, others have trouble understanding the depth of our losses and pain. I guess that makes sense, since they are not us, and our hearts are our own. But it makes things lonely, and sometimes very frustrating. I’m so sorry. Please feel free to share here any time. I’m glad we can travel this road together, though all of our losses are different. Blessings to you…
My husband had cardiac arrest on September 25,2014. The EMT’S revived him, but his heart stopped 4 more times before getting to the hospital. He was put on life support. He never regained consciousness. They said he was brain dead the next day, so I had to let them take him off the machines. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do and I still feel guilty for being the one to have to give permission to take him off the machines, even after 3 years now. We had just had our 25th anniversary the month before he passed. And the month after he passed, was my birthday. Then it was one holiday after another till after February. Coming up on this 3rd year of him being gone, it has hit me harder than the first 2 years. I just feel lost and lonely.
HI Lisa. Oh my. I’m so, so sorry. I had to make the decision for my dad, in a very similar situation, when I was 16. It was traumatic. So…I sort of get it – but the loss of a husband and spouse is so different. My heart breaks for you. And time – means nothing. Love has no expiration date, so neither does the grief. It’s the guilt that can be crippling, even when we’re not aware of it. If you would like to write more about that, please let me know. Lost and lonely – yes, those feelings are powerful, and very consistent with what you’ve endured. Thank you for loving him as you do. Blessings to you…
I appreciate the words. My husband of 40 years passed away Oct 28th and his birthday was on thanksgiving day. I’m struggling dealing with upcoming Christmas as it was a special time for us each year. Thank you for your messages. I know that with the Lord’s guidance I will get through this.
Hi Lorraine. I’m so sorry about your husband. And no wonder you’re having a tough time right now. Goodness! And yes, the Lord will get you through this. He is well acquainted with pain and grief, and He walks with you in your loss. Please feel free to share any time. You are not alone – far from it.
I appreciate the words. My husband of 40 years passed away Oct 28th and his birthday was on thanksgiving day. I’m struggling dealing with upcoming Christmas as it was a special time for us each year. Thank you for your messages. I know that with the Lord’s guidance I will get through this.
Hi Lorraine. I’m so sorry about your husband. And no wonder you’re having a tough time right now. Goodness! And yes, the Lord will get you through this. He is well acquainted with pain and grief, and He walks with you in your loss. Please feel free to share any time. You are not alone – far from it.
I appreciate the words. My husband of 40 years passed away Oct 28th and his birthday was on thanksgiving day. I’m struggling dealing with upcoming Christmas as it was a special time for us each year. Thank you for your messages. I know that with the Lord’s guidance I will get through this.
Hi Lorraine. I’m so sorry about your husband. And no wonder you’re having a tough time right now. Goodness! And yes, the Lord will get you through this. He is well acquainted with pain and grief, and He walks with you in your loss. Please feel free to share any time. You are not alone – far from it.
The first Christmas after my daughter’s death, all I wanted to do was take a folding chair to the cemetery and sit by her grave all day. To be perfectly honest, I would still do that five years later if I could. The holidays are terrible…awful…sad…but as my mother used to say, “It will come and it will go”. Now I just try to hang onto that thought that this, too, shall pass. This hole in my heart will never heal…how could it??…but I do believe a divine “Band-Aid” now covers the wound. That’s not to say that occasionally the Band-Aid doesn’t peel back and expose the unbelievable pain, but it does help. My prayers go out to everyone entering this holiday season missing someone. Just remember…it will come and it will go.
HI Kathleen. Very well said. Thanks for sharing. I’m glad that now is not forever. This too shall pass…
The first Christmas after my daughter’s death, all I wanted to do was take a folding chair to the cemetery and sit by her grave all day. To be perfectly honest, I would still do that five years later if I could. The holidays are terrible…awful…sad…but as my mother used to say, “It will come and it will go”. Now I just try to hang onto that thought that this, too, shall pass. This hole in my heart will never heal…how could it??…but I do believe a divine “Band-Aid” now covers the wound. That’s not to say that occasionally the Band-Aid doesn’t peel back and expose the unbelievable pain, but it does help. My prayers go out to everyone entering this holiday season missing someone. Just remember…it will come and it will go.
HI Kathleen. Very well said. Thanks for sharing. I’m glad that now is not forever. This too shall pass…
The first Christmas after my daughter’s death, all I wanted to do was take a folding chair to the cemetery and sit by her grave all day. To be perfectly honest, I would still do that five years later if I could. The holidays are terrible…awful…sad…but as my mother used to say, “It will come and it will go”. Now I just try to hang onto that thought that this, too, shall pass. This hole in my heart will never heal…how could it??…but I do believe a divine “Band-Aid” now covers the wound. That’s not to say that occasionally the Band-Aid doesn’t peel back and expose the unbelievable pain, but it does help. My prayers go out to everyone entering this holiday season missing someone. Just remember…it will come and it will go.
HI Kathleen. Very well said. Thanks for sharing. I’m glad that now is not forever. This too shall pass…
My husband died in July this year. His birthday was on 7th November and Christmas is around the corner.
I read your book, “Surviving the Holidays Without You” which I found very helpful. Thank you.
This year, I am going to the hotel that we stayed in for the last ten Christmases or so. My daughter and her partner, who have been towers of strength, are coming with me. They have accompanied us for Christmas in the past.
Hi Joy. Thanks for sharing. And what a wonderful idea for Christmas. I think it will be healing for you. Parts of it will be very emotional, but it certainly sounds healthy to me. Blessings to you…
My husband died in July this year. His birthday was on 7th November and Christmas is around the corner.
I read your book, “Surviving the Holidays Without You” which I found very helpful. Thank you.
This year, I am going to the hotel that we stayed in for the last ten Christmases or so. My daughter and her partner, who have been towers of strength, are coming with me. They have accompanied us for Christmas in the past.
Hi Joy. Thanks for sharing. And what a wonderful idea for Christmas. I think it will be healing for you. Parts of it will be very emotional, but it certainly sounds healthy to me. Blessings to you…
My husband died in July this year. His birthday was on 7th November and Christmas is around the corner.
I read your book, “Surviving the Holidays Without You” which I found very helpful. Thank you.
This year, I am going to the hotel that we stayed in for the last ten Christmases or so. My daughter and her partner, who have been towers of strength, are coming with me. They have accompanied us for Christmas in the past.
Hi Joy. Thanks for sharing. And what a wonderful idea for Christmas. I think it will be healing for you. Parts of it will be very emotional, but it certainly sounds healthy to me. Blessings to you…