Pain runs deep. Early scars are powerful, and sink into the darkest recesses of the heart. Catastrophic wounds can throw us into survival mode for a while.
No matter how old the wound, with the right trigger, the pain can become incredibly fresh again.
Grief is like that.
Pain Messes with our Sense of Time
“It all seems so strange. I can still see him in his recliner. I still hear him in the kitchen. I dream about him at night,” Ellen said.
“It’s been eleven months, but it feels like yesterday.”
Death, loss, and trauma mess with our sense of time. For a while, it’s like life is in slow motion. Some people have memory gaps – periods of time during their grief or painful experiences that they don’t remember at all.
It can also seem like everything is happening at once, and life is flowing quickly past while we’re standing still. Dazed, we see this activity but it doesn’t seem to register somehow.
Dazed and Confused
Deep wounds have huge shock value. Everything is different now, including our sense of time. Grief and loss are like some weird alternate universe. The whole experience is surreal.
Time has a different meaning now.
Here’s a new grief affirmation:
“Weren’t you here only a moment ago? You seem so close sometimes.”
Grief messes with our sense of time.
“Grief … Up till this I always had too little time. Now there is nothing but time.”
― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed
Adapted from Heartbroken (Amazon Bestseller, USA Best Book Award Finalist, National Indie Excellence Book Award Finalist).
Photo Credit: ©photodune.net
Grief is such a lonely cross to bear. No one knows exactly how you feel because they have not suffered the same loss or had the same relationship as you. My husband died 9 yrs ago and I still feel as if I’m merely surviving, not truly living. I will keep praying and going forward but I long for feeling the joy of life again. Thank you for all you do.
Hi Nita. Yes, you’re so right. Well said. Lonely. Each loss is individual and special – it’s lonely by nature. It’s hard to know what truly living is now, isn’t it? I’ll be praying about this for you – to feel the joy of living again. I believe you will. Please feel free to reach out any time.
Grief is such a lonely cross to bear. No one knows exactly how you feel because they have not suffered the same loss or had the same relationship as you. My husband died 9 yrs ago and I still feel as if I’m merely surviving, not truly living. I will keep praying and going forward but I long for feeling the joy of life again. Thank you for all you do.
Hi Nita. Yes, you’re so right. Well said. Lonely. Each loss is individual and special – it’s lonely by nature. It’s hard to know what truly living is now, isn’t it? I’ll be praying about this for you – to feel the joy of living again. I believe you will. Please feel free to reach out any time.
I lost my 8-year old, Lindsay, on May 23, 2006. Although it has now been 10 years since she went to live with Jesus, the hole in my life and the ache in my heart is so unbearable that sometimes I cannot even take a breath. Each time I feel like I’ve had a day or two of relative calm, her loss comes back full force and again I’m struggling to breath, to understand. It’s hard to accept that this was the Lord’s plan, because I don’t understand why He would want me to hurt so badly. So, although I manage to get through each day without my sweet girl, I still “accept” it because that would be like saying it’s okay that He took her – and it’s not. I pray unceasingly for God to forgive my doubts and to welcome me home in His and Lindsay’s arms when my time comes – and I’m ready for that any time He chooses. Not very eloquent, but to put the depth of this grief into words is impossible. Cathi
Hi Cathi. I’m so sorry about Lindsay. How awful. That kind of loss, well, keeps on giving, so to speak. No wonder you’re hurting – and no wonder it comes back around again and again. Jesus feels your loss. I believe that. He feels your pain, and your confusion. He loves you, and nothing could cause him to love you any more or any less. He will see you through this. He will heal your heart, though it will never be the same, of course. I’m praying for you now. Please feel free to share any time, Cathi. Keep sharing, keep talking. We all need to do that.
I lost my 8-year old, Lindsay, on May 23, 2006. Although it has now been 10 years since she went to live with Jesus, the hole in my life and the ache in my heart is so unbearable that sometimes I cannot even take a breath. Each time I feel like I’ve had a day or two of relative calm, her loss comes back full force and again I’m struggling to breath, to understand. It’s hard to accept that this was the Lord’s plan, because I don’t understand why He would want me to hurt so badly. So, although I manage to get through each day without my sweet girl, I still “accept” it because that would be like saying it’s okay that He took her – and it’s not. I pray unceasingly for God to forgive my doubts and to welcome me home in His and Lindsay’s arms when my time comes – and I’m ready for that any time He chooses. Not very eloquent, but to put the depth of this grief into words is impossible. Cathi
Hi Cathi. I’m so sorry about Lindsay. How awful. That kind of loss, well, keeps on giving, so to speak. No wonder you’re hurting – and no wonder it comes back around again and again. Jesus feels your loss. I believe that. He feels your pain, and your confusion. He loves you, and nothing could cause him to love you any more or any less. He will see you through this. He will heal your heart, though it will never be the same, of course. I’m praying for you now. Please feel free to share any time, Cathi. Keep sharing, keep talking. We all need to do that.
I lost my 8-year old, Lindsay, on May 23, 2006. Although it has now been 10 years since she went to live with Jesus, the hole in my life and the ache in my heart is so unbearable that sometimes I cannot even take a breath. Each time I feel like I’ve had a day or two of relative calm, her loss comes back full force and again I’m struggling to breath, to understand. It’s hard to accept that this was the Lord’s plan, because I don’t understand why He would want me to hurt so badly. So, although I manage to get through each day without my sweet girl, I still “accept” it because that would be like saying it’s okay that He took her – and it’s not. I pray unceasingly for God to forgive my doubts and to welcome me home in His and Lindsay’s arms when my time comes – and I’m ready for that any time He chooses. Not very eloquent, but to put the depth of this grief into words is impossible. Cathi
Hi Cathi. I’m so sorry about Lindsay. How awful. That kind of loss, well, keeps on giving, so to speak. No wonder you’re hurting – and no wonder it comes back around again and again. Jesus feels your loss. I believe that. He feels your pain, and your confusion. He loves you, and nothing could cause him to love you any more or any less. He will see you through this. He will heal your heart, though it will never be the same, of course. I’m praying for you now. Please feel free to share any time, Cathi. Keep sharing, keep talking. We all need to do that.
Hi Gary ,
Thanks for the read and yes it is true how grief can trigger just when I start to feel good and think I am going to be ok something triggers and sometimes in feel like I am back on square one .
HI Charlene. Thanks for sharing. Yep, that’s exactly how it is. Over and over again. Thankfully, it only “feels” like you’re back on square one. You’re actually much further along. But that doesn’t mean the pain feels any less or better. It’s like an old injury that suddenly snaps at us from time to time, and the pain is intense for a while. Please feel free to share any time, Charlene. You are not alone.
Hi Gary ,
Thanks for the read and yes it is true how grief can trigger just when I start to feel good and think I am going to be ok something triggers and sometimes in feel like I am back on square one .
HI Charlene. Thanks for sharing. Yep, that’s exactly how it is. Over and over again. Thankfully, it only “feels” like you’re back on square one. You’re actually much further along. But that doesn’t mean the pain feels any less or better. It’s like an old injury that suddenly snaps at us from time to time, and the pain is intense for a while. Please feel free to share any time, Charlene. You are not alone.
Hi Gary ,
Thanks for the read and yes it is true how grief can trigger just when I start to feel good and think I am going to be ok something triggers and sometimes in feel like I am back on square one .
HI Charlene. Thanks for sharing. Yep, that’s exactly how it is. Over and over again. Thankfully, it only “feels” like you’re back on square one. You’re actually much further along. But that doesn’t mean the pain feels any less or better. It’s like an old injury that suddenly snaps at us from time to time, and the pain is intense for a while. Please feel free to share any time, Charlene. You are not alone.
I lost my husband, Larry, 3 yrs ago yesterday. For the first 2 1/2 yrs I just wanted to die myself. I lost 65 lbs. An old boyfriend from school came back into my life. He gave me hope to live again. Now he’s in final days, dying from cancer. I’m a basket case again. I don’t know if I’m grieving for Larry, him, or me. I’m so lost. Thanks for letting me vent.
Hi Paulette. Thanks for sharing – and please feel free to vent any time. We all need safe places to do that. Goodness – I’m so sorry. What a huge loss with Larry, and now this new situation. No wonder you’re hurting. Yes, it’s hard to separate out the grief – who? what? etc. It’s probably all of the above. This current situation triggers the past loss, and so on. How could you not feel lost? I wonder how you’re still standing, but I’m glad you are. Please keep talking, Paulette. Don’t try to go this alone.
I lost my husband, Larry, 3 yrs ago yesterday. For the first 2 1/2 yrs I just wanted to die myself. I lost 65 lbs. An old boyfriend from school came back into my life. He gave me hope to live again. Now he’s in final days, dying from cancer. I’m a basket case again. I don’t know if I’m grieving for Larry, him, or me. I’m so lost. Thanks for letting me vent.
Hi Paulette. Thanks for sharing – and please feel free to vent any time. We all need safe places to do that. Goodness – I’m so sorry. What a huge loss with Larry, and now this new situation. No wonder you’re hurting. Yes, it’s hard to separate out the grief – who? what? etc. It’s probably all of the above. This current situation triggers the past loss, and so on. How could you not feel lost? I wonder how you’re still standing, but I’m glad you are. Please keep talking, Paulette. Don’t try to go this alone.
I lost my husband, Larry, 3 yrs ago yesterday. For the first 2 1/2 yrs I just wanted to die myself. I lost 65 lbs. An old boyfriend from school came back into my life. He gave me hope to live again. Now he’s in final days, dying from cancer. I’m a basket case again. I don’t know if I’m grieving for Larry, him, or me. I’m so lost. Thanks for letting me vent.
Hi Paulette. Thanks for sharing – and please feel free to vent any time. We all need safe places to do that. Goodness – I’m so sorry. What a huge loss with Larry, and now this new situation. No wonder you’re hurting. Yes, it’s hard to separate out the grief – who? what? etc. It’s probably all of the above. This current situation triggers the past loss, and so on. How could you not feel lost? I wonder how you’re still standing, but I’m glad you are. Please keep talking, Paulette. Don’t try to go this alone.
Hi Gary, thanks for your encouragement. I have a day of remembering my loved ones. I know there is life after death, but I struggle with the idea of my loved ones that just stopped to exist until the Lord come to get us all. It’s almost two years since my sis went to heaven and 4 years since mom.
HI Rina. Thanks for sharing. I’m glad you have a day set aside to remember. What a great idea. And yes, we struggle with the separation, don’t we? Of course, there are some different schools of thought on what happens from the point of death until the Lord return. Whatever the case, the Lord is taking care of those who trusted in Him. I’m praying for you now…for peace, comfort, and rest.
Hi Gary, thanks for your encouragement. I have a day of remembering my loved ones. I know there is life after death, but I struggle with the idea of my loved ones that just stopped to exist until the Lord come to get us all. It’s almost two years since my sis went to heaven and 4 years since mom.
HI Rina. Thanks for sharing. I’m glad you have a day set aside to remember. What a great idea. And yes, we struggle with the separation, don’t we? Of course, there are some different schools of thought on what happens from the point of death until the Lord return. Whatever the case, the Lord is taking care of those who trusted in Him. I’m praying for you now…for peace, comfort, and rest.
Hi Gary, thanks for your encouragement. I have a day of remembering my loved ones. I know there is life after death, but I struggle with the idea of my loved ones that just stopped to exist until the Lord come to get us all. It’s almost two years since my sis went to heaven and 4 years since mom.
HI Rina. Thanks for sharing. I’m glad you have a day set aside to remember. What a great idea. And yes, we struggle with the separation, don’t we? Of course, there are some different schools of thought on what happens from the point of death until the Lord return. Whatever the case, the Lord is taking care of those who trusted in Him. I’m praying for you now…for peace, comfort, and rest.
Today is my angel son’s birthday. I should be celebrating with him, not releasing balloons.
Some days I’m fine and a song, a memory or even seeing something I know he’d like and I’m back to square one. I don’t know how I’ve gotten to him being gone over 2 years, but I have. I try to live my life to honor him and make him proud of me.
HI Dawn. I’m so sorry about your son. Thank you for loving him as you do. And yes, those memory triggers are everywhere. When grief hits, let it come. Your grief honors him, and says how much you love him. He’s proud of you – I’m sure of it. If there’s anything I can do for you, please let me know.
Today is my angel son’s birthday. I should be celebrating with him, not releasing balloons.
Some days I’m fine and a song, a memory or even seeing something I know he’d like and I’m back to square one. I don’t know how I’ve gotten to him being gone over 2 years, but I have. I try to live my life to honor him and make him proud of me.
HI Dawn. I’m so sorry about your son. Thank you for loving him as you do. And yes, those memory triggers are everywhere. When grief hits, let it come. Your grief honors him, and says how much you love him. He’s proud of you – I’m sure of it. If there’s anything I can do for you, please let me know.
Today is my angel son’s birthday. I should be celebrating with him, not releasing balloons.
Some days I’m fine and a song, a memory or even seeing something I know he’d like and I’m back to square one. I don’t know how I’ve gotten to him being gone over 2 years, but I have. I try to live my life to honor him and make him proud of me.
HI Dawn. I’m so sorry about your son. Thank you for loving him as you do. And yes, those memory triggers are everywhere. When grief hits, let it come. Your grief honors him, and says how much you love him. He’s proud of you – I’m sure of it. If there’s anything I can do for you, please let me know.
Hi I lost my only sister 4 months ago. She was 51, her birthday is 10/28. My heart aches it doesn’t seem real. Sometimes it it hits me full force like this is real, she is not here. How? Why? I miss her so much. I feel lonely, lost. And scared, I am terrified of losing my mom more than before. My sweet Vikki, why did you have to go?
HI Becky. I’m so sorry about Vikki. Thanks for sharing about her. And yes, one large loss can cause us to fear more losses. That’s natural. Ugh. Please be kind to yourself. Is there someone where you are that you can share freely with, without fear of judgment? We all need people like that.
Hi I lost my only sister 4 months ago. She was 51, her birthday is 10/28. My heart aches it doesn’t seem real. Sometimes it it hits me full force like this is real, she is not here. How? Why? I miss her so much. I feel lonely, lost. And scared, I am terrified of losing my mom more than before. My sweet Vikki, why did you have to go?
HI Becky. I’m so sorry about Vikki. Thanks for sharing about her. And yes, one large loss can cause us to fear more losses. That’s natural. Ugh. Please be kind to yourself. Is there someone where you are that you can share freely with, without fear of judgment? We all need people like that.
Hi I lost my only sister 4 months ago. She was 51, her birthday is 10/28. My heart aches it doesn’t seem real. Sometimes it it hits me full force like this is real, she is not here. How? Why? I miss her so much. I feel lonely, lost. And scared, I am terrified of losing my mom more than before. My sweet Vikki, why did you have to go?
HI Becky. I’m so sorry about Vikki. Thanks for sharing about her. And yes, one large loss can cause us to fear more losses. That’s natural. Ugh. Please be kind to yourself. Is there someone where you are that you can share freely with, without fear of judgment? We all need people like that.
I just cry. That is what happens when it hits me. I just cry. I wonder sometimes if I will ever be the same person. I don’t think so.
Hi Mindy. Yes. I’m so sorry. And no, you will never be the same. How could you be? But over time, as you grieve and take your heart seriously, you will heal and grow, and the color will come back into life. But not now. Now is the time for tears. And that’s okay. Please let me know if I can do anything for you.
I just cry. That is what happens when it hits me. I just cry. I wonder sometimes if I will ever be the same person. I don’t think so.
Hi Mindy. Yes. I’m so sorry. And no, you will never be the same. How could you be? But over time, as you grieve and take your heart seriously, you will heal and grow, and the color will come back into life. But not now. Now is the time for tears. And that’s okay. Please let me know if I can do anything for you.
I just cry. That is what happens when it hits me. I just cry. I wonder sometimes if I will ever be the same person. I don’t think so.
Hi Mindy. Yes. I’m so sorry. And no, you will never be the same. How could you be? But over time, as you grieve and take your heart seriously, you will heal and grow, and the color will come back into life. But not now. Now is the time for tears. And that’s okay. Please let me know if I can do anything for you.
My husband passed away on my birthday in July. 2015. He had controlled diabetes and high blood pressure, but he went in the hospital and rehab following knee surgery. He contracted pneumonia and died! I met him at the age of 16 and we had been inseparable from that time. I don’t know what to do without him. I miss him so much. We did everything together…down to grocery shopping and mall shopping. We have 3 sons and we have grandchildren…one he didn’t get to see. She was born in October, 2015. I cry at the slightest memory because there are so many. I thought after a year passed I would be o.k. I am not and don’t think I ever will be. I have never lived alone..we were married 47 years and the loneliness is unbearable!! I have an excellent group of friends who keep me occupied for which I am thankful, but at the end of the day, I cry for him, and my heart literally aches for him. He was my everything!!! I miss his kiss, his hand holding mine… his laughter…I just miss everything!!!
Hi Debra. Thanks for sharing with me, and I’m so sorry about your husband. Goodness. He has been your life since you were 16. No wonder you’re hurting as you are. Hearts joined so deeply and so long – well – they have to break to part. You will miss him – you should – maybe for the rest of your life. And yes, we miss everything. Everything. I’m so sorry. Please be kind to yourself, and patient with yourself. Things will never be the same, but that doesn’t mean you can’t heal – to some degree – and that things can’t be good. For now, his absence is overwhelming. Take your heart seriously. Grieve well. Your grief honors him and your relationship.
My husband passed away on my birthday in July. 2015. He had controlled diabetes and high blood pressure, but he went in the hospital and rehab following knee surgery. He contracted pneumonia and died! I met him at the age of 16 and we had been inseparable from that time. I don’t know what to do without him. I miss him so much. We did everything together…down to grocery shopping and mall shopping. We have 3 sons and we have grandchildren…one he didn’t get to see. She was born in October, 2015. I cry at the slightest memory because there are so many. I thought after a year passed I would be o.k. I am not and don’t think I ever will be. I have never lived alone..we were married 47 years and the loneliness is unbearable!! I have an excellent group of friends who keep me occupied for which I am thankful, but at the end of the day, I cry for him, and my heart literally aches for him. He was my everything!!! I miss his kiss, his hand holding mine… his laughter…I just miss everything!!!
Hi Debra. Thanks for sharing with me, and I’m so sorry about your husband. Goodness. He has been your life since you were 16. No wonder you’re hurting as you are. Hearts joined so deeply and so long – well – they have to break to part. You will miss him – you should – maybe for the rest of your life. And yes, we miss everything. Everything. I’m so sorry. Please be kind to yourself, and patient with yourself. Things will never be the same, but that doesn’t mean you can’t heal – to some degree – and that things can’t be good. For now, his absence is overwhelming. Take your heart seriously. Grieve well. Your grief honors him and your relationship.
My husband passed away on my birthday in July. 2015. He had controlled diabetes and high blood pressure, but he went in the hospital and rehab following knee surgery. He contracted pneumonia and died! I met him at the age of 16 and we had been inseparable from that time. I don’t know what to do without him. I miss him so much. We did everything together…down to grocery shopping and mall shopping. We have 3 sons and we have grandchildren…one he didn’t get to see. She was born in October, 2015. I cry at the slightest memory because there are so many. I thought after a year passed I would be o.k. I am not and don’t think I ever will be. I have never lived alone..we were married 47 years and the loneliness is unbearable!! I have an excellent group of friends who keep me occupied for which I am thankful, but at the end of the day, I cry for him, and my heart literally aches for him. He was my everything!!! I miss his kiss, his hand holding mine… his laughter…I just miss everything!!!
Hi Debra. Thanks for sharing with me, and I’m so sorry about your husband. Goodness. He has been your life since you were 16. No wonder you’re hurting as you are. Hearts joined so deeply and so long – well – they have to break to part. You will miss him – you should – maybe for the rest of your life. And yes, we miss everything. Everything. I’m so sorry. Please be kind to yourself, and patient with yourself. Things will never be the same, but that doesn’t mean you can’t heal – to some degree – and that things can’t be good. For now, his absence is overwhelming. Take your heart seriously. Grieve well. Your grief honors him and your relationship.
Hi Gary ,
I don’t know how I got your email,however I am happy I did. It gives me an outlet for my grief. I don’t have anyone to talk to about how I feel. I lost my daughter when she was 16. That pain was devastating and still sometimes is, it has been 24 years and feels like yesterday. This past August I lost my son, he was 30. Only 6 when he lost his sister. He would tell me he didn’t really remember much about her , but always enjoyed looking at pictures of them together. It is so ironic that they both died as a result of an automobile accident. Standing at their graves I often wonder how I will make it thru this one . I think what helped with my daughter was that I still had my son and I needed to be here for him. I don’t need to be here anymore and more so I don’t want to be.
HI Janice. Thank you for sharing. I’m so sorry. What incredible, deep, painful losses. I can’t imagine. It’s a wonder you’re still standing. The loss of a child never seems to go away. How could it? We miss and long for them. I’m hoping you have someone safe around you with whom you can talk, share, and vent? Please let me know if there’s any way I can help. Again, I’m so sorry. Janice.
Hi Gary ,
I don’t know how I got your email,however I am happy I did. It gives me an outlet for my grief. I don’t have anyone to talk to about how I feel. I lost my daughter when she was 16. That pain was devastating and still sometimes is, it has been 24 years and feels like yesterday. This past August I lost my son, he was 30. Only 6 when he lost his sister. He would tell me he didn’t really remember much about her , but always enjoyed looking at pictures of them together. It is so ironic that they both died as a result of an automobile accident. Standing at their graves I often wonder how I will make it thru this one . I think what helped with my daughter was that I still had my son and I needed to be here for him. I don’t need to be here anymore and more so I don’t want to be.
HI Janice. Thank you for sharing. I’m so sorry. What incredible, deep, painful losses. I can’t imagine. It’s a wonder you’re still standing. The loss of a child never seems to go away. How could it? We miss and long for them. I’m hoping you have someone safe around you with whom you can talk, share, and vent? Please let me know if there’s any way I can help. Again, I’m so sorry. Janice.
Hi Gary ,
I don’t know how I got your email,however I am happy I did. It gives me an outlet for my grief. I don’t have anyone to talk to about how I feel. I lost my daughter when she was 16. That pain was devastating and still sometimes is, it has been 24 years and feels like yesterday. This past August I lost my son, he was 30. Only 6 when he lost his sister. He would tell me he didn’t really remember much about her , but always enjoyed looking at pictures of them together. It is so ironic that they both died as a result of an automobile accident. Standing at their graves I often wonder how I will make it thru this one . I think what helped with my daughter was that I still had my son and I needed to be here for him. I don’t need to be here anymore and more so I don’t want to be.
HI Janice. Thank you for sharing. I’m so sorry. What incredible, deep, painful losses. I can’t imagine. It’s a wonder you’re still standing. The loss of a child never seems to go away. How could it? We miss and long for them. I’m hoping you have someone safe around you with whom you can talk, share, and vent? Please let me know if there’s any way I can help. Again, I’m so sorry. Janice.
David died 3 1/2 months ago. He had been ill for a long time with Parkinson’s and the year before he was admitted to hospital, where he died, he needed 24/7care. As a retired nurse, I was able to provide this but we were both very tired.
After his death I felt numb for a long time and the days seemed so very long. I made an effort to go out, meet friends, started volunteering in the church youth group and generally tried to fill the hours. Sometimes he seems to have moved so far away and then, just when I think I am coping, the grief just overwhelms me. Sometimes I feel guilty that I seem to be coping so well. Occasionally it feels as though he was never here. I know this is a coping mechanism but it only takes a snatch of a favourite piece of music or finding something of his in the house for that armour to melt away.
HI Joy. Thank you for sharing. I’m sorry about David. Goodness, I’ll bet it was a long, and difficult process, in so many ways. Thank you for caring for him – what a tremendous gift that was. I know it came with great sacrifice – and yes, that’s what love is all about. And yes, some of us seem to be coping “too” well, but then it doesn’t take much to bring the emotions up either. It’s a mixed bag, and we never know what will come or when. As long as you are aware of your own heart, grieve as best as you know how, and stay connected to some good, safe people, all will be well. Not the same, but well. I know you know this. I have to repeat it to myself all the time!
David died 3 1/2 months ago. He had been ill for a long time with Parkinson’s and the year before he was admitted to hospital, where he died, he needed 24/7care. As a retired nurse, I was able to provide this but we were both very tired.
After his death I felt numb for a long time and the days seemed so very long. I made an effort to go out, meet friends, started volunteering in the church youth group and generally tried to fill the hours. Sometimes he seems to have moved so far away and then, just when I think I am coping, the grief just overwhelms me. Sometimes I feel guilty that I seem to be coping so well. Occasionally it feels as though he was never here. I know this is a coping mechanism but it only takes a snatch of a favourite piece of music or finding something of his in the house for that armour to melt away.
HI Joy. Thank you for sharing. I’m sorry about David. Goodness, I’ll bet it was a long, and difficult process, in so many ways. Thank you for caring for him – what a tremendous gift that was. I know it came with great sacrifice – and yes, that’s what love is all about. And yes, some of us seem to be coping “too” well, but then it doesn’t take much to bring the emotions up either. It’s a mixed bag, and we never know what will come or when. As long as you are aware of your own heart, grieve as best as you know how, and stay connected to some good, safe people, all will be well. Not the same, but well. I know you know this. I have to repeat it to myself all the time!
David died 3 1/2 months ago. He had been ill for a long time with Parkinson’s and the year before he was admitted to hospital, where he died, he needed 24/7care. As a retired nurse, I was able to provide this but we were both very tired.
After his death I felt numb for a long time and the days seemed so very long. I made an effort to go out, meet friends, started volunteering in the church youth group and generally tried to fill the hours. Sometimes he seems to have moved so far away and then, just when I think I am coping, the grief just overwhelms me. Sometimes I feel guilty that I seem to be coping so well. Occasionally it feels as though he was never here. I know this is a coping mechanism but it only takes a snatch of a favourite piece of music or finding something of his in the house for that armour to melt away.
HI Joy. Thank you for sharing. I’m sorry about David. Goodness, I’ll bet it was a long, and difficult process, in so many ways. Thank you for caring for him – what a tremendous gift that was. I know it came with great sacrifice – and yes, that’s what love is all about. And yes, some of us seem to be coping “too” well, but then it doesn’t take much to bring the emotions up either. It’s a mixed bag, and we never know what will come or when. As long as you are aware of your own heart, grieve as best as you know how, and stay connected to some good, safe people, all will be well. Not the same, but well. I know you know this. I have to repeat it to myself all the time!
First, let me say that in addition to your books, the one book that struck a chord with me was ” A Grief Observed”. I didn’t understand all of it, but the parts I got, IGOT.
Yes, I too feel like my concept of time is virtually gone. It DOES seem like just yesterday he was here with me every day.
How it got to be 2 yrs, one month and one week later, I have no clue. How I’m not paying more bills after their due date I have no clue. How I manage to do what few things I have to, like cut the grass, take care of our cats, tutor to have money for car payments I have no clue.
Every time I go out, I cry as I approach our house when coming back because I want to share what I did with Phil, but he’s not here. When I bother to wash my hair, I cry because he’s not here to tell me how much he loves how my hair smells.
The pain of grief is fresh. Every day. Sometimes many times a day.
It’s all surreal. It’s so unfair. It’s so LONELY.
I’m even thinking of giving up therapy, again. Nothing’s helping. No ones helping. I just don’t care.
Hi Barb. Thanks for sharing. I can relate to your comment about “Grief Observed.” C.S. Lewis is so brilliant, that I never get it all, but what I get, I really get. Straight to the heart, and deeper even. “I have no clue.” That’s a good way to express how it is for some of us moving through grief. We just, well, are. Lonely. Very lonely. Gosh, I’m sorry, Barb. If we’re beaten up enough, and long enough, it’s hard to feel anything – except for pain. I’m continuing to pray for you. I trust that God will enable you to somehow feel his arms around you – somehow, some way – and that there would be comfort way beyond your circumstances. Praying now…
First, let me say that in addition to your books, the one book that struck a chord with me was ” A Grief Observed”. I didn’t understand all of it, but the parts I got, IGOT.
Yes, I too feel like my concept of time is virtually gone. It DOES seem like just yesterday he was here with me every day.
How it got to be 2 yrs, one month and one week later, I have no clue. How I’m not paying more bills after their due date I have no clue. How I manage to do what few things I have to, like cut the grass, take care of our cats, tutor to have money for car payments I have no clue.
Every time I go out, I cry as I approach our house when coming back because I want to share what I did with Phil, but he’s not here. When I bother to wash my hair, I cry because he’s not here to tell me how much he loves how my hair smells.
The pain of grief is fresh. Every day. Sometimes many times a day.
It’s all surreal. It’s so unfair. It’s so LONELY.
I’m even thinking of giving up therapy, again. Nothing’s helping. No ones helping. I just don’t care.
Hi Barb. Thanks for sharing. I can relate to your comment about “Grief Observed.” C.S. Lewis is so brilliant, that I never get it all, but what I get, I really get. Straight to the heart, and deeper even. “I have no clue.” That’s a good way to express how it is for some of us moving through grief. We just, well, are. Lonely. Very lonely. Gosh, I’m sorry, Barb. If we’re beaten up enough, and long enough, it’s hard to feel anything – except for pain. I’m continuing to pray for you. I trust that God will enable you to somehow feel his arms around you – somehow, some way – and that there would be comfort way beyond your circumstances. Praying now…
First, let me say that in addition to your books, the one book that struck a chord with me was ” A Grief Observed”. I didn’t understand all of it, but the parts I got, IGOT.
Yes, I too feel like my concept of time is virtually gone. It DOES seem like just yesterday he was here with me every day.
How it got to be 2 yrs, one month and one week later, I have no clue. How I’m not paying more bills after their due date I have no clue. How I manage to do what few things I have to, like cut the grass, take care of our cats, tutor to have money for car payments I have no clue.
Every time I go out, I cry as I approach our house when coming back because I want to share what I did with Phil, but he’s not here. When I bother to wash my hair, I cry because he’s not here to tell me how much he loves how my hair smells.
The pain of grief is fresh. Every day. Sometimes many times a day.
It’s all surreal. It’s so unfair. It’s so LONELY.
I’m even thinking of giving up therapy, again. Nothing’s helping. No ones helping. I just don’t care.
Hi Barb. Thanks for sharing. I can relate to your comment about “Grief Observed.” C.S. Lewis is so brilliant, that I never get it all, but what I get, I really get. Straight to the heart, and deeper even. “I have no clue.” That’s a good way to express how it is for some of us moving through grief. We just, well, are. Lonely. Very lonely. Gosh, I’m sorry, Barb. If we’re beaten up enough, and long enough, it’s hard to feel anything – except for pain. I’m continuing to pray for you. I trust that God will enable you to somehow feel his arms around you – somehow, some way – and that there would be comfort way beyond your circumstances. Praying now…
Your words almost always confirm to me that I’m not crazy. My husband, my best friend, the love of my life went to Heaven 2+ years ago. After 40 years of sharing my life with him I’m lost to how to start again. I feel I’m getting better, I cry everyday, and console myself that at least I’m not crying all day. Memories are suppose to be comforting, but they usually send me to the floor crying out for Gods help. He died at 59, we just started our empty nest with so many plans. Since then, our younger two children married and one just had a baby. Blessings for sure, but for me a reminder of who is missing. Bitter/ sweet. And my son, needs his dad. Now a homeowner and husband he needs a mentor. So many issues that we need his dads wisdom. Pray that God will send a man into his life to mentor him, advise him. I feel like he hears me but isn’t listening. Gary, pray for me. I don’t understand this journey at all. Thank you for being here for me. May God bless you as you minister to all of the grieving people you touch. Jeanette Gass
HI Jeanette. Bittersweet…that’s a good way to put it. With each new thing, we’re conscious of who’s not with us. Sigh. I’ll be praying, as you requested. Please keep me posted, as you wish and want to. Now is not forever – that much I know for sure. Things will not be the same in the future – I know that too. I pray that your life will be full of blessings and that the pain morphs into something much more positive. Blessings to you, Jeanette.
Your words almost always confirm to me that I’m not crazy. My husband, my best friend, the love of my life went to Heaven 2+ years ago. After 40 years of sharing my life with him I’m lost to how to start again. I feel I’m getting better, I cry everyday, and console myself that at least I’m not crying all day. Memories are suppose to be comforting, but they usually send me to the floor crying out for Gods help. He died at 59, we just started our empty nest with so many plans. Since then, our younger two children married and one just had a baby. Blessings for sure, but for me a reminder of who is missing. Bitter/ sweet. And my son, needs his dad. Now a homeowner and husband he needs a mentor. So many issues that we need his dads wisdom. Pray that God will send a man into his life to mentor him, advise him. I feel like he hears me but isn’t listening. Gary, pray for me. I don’t understand this journey at all. Thank you for being here for me. May God bless you as you minister to all of the grieving people you touch. Jeanette Gass
HI Jeanette. Bittersweet…that’s a good way to put it. With each new thing, we’re conscious of who’s not with us. Sigh. I’ll be praying, as you requested. Please keep me posted, as you wish and want to. Now is not forever – that much I know for sure. Things will not be the same in the future – I know that too. I pray that your life will be full of blessings and that the pain morphs into something much more positive. Blessings to you, Jeanette.
Your words almost always confirm to me that I’m not crazy. My husband, my best friend, the love of my life went to Heaven 2+ years ago. After 40 years of sharing my life with him I’m lost to how to start again. I feel I’m getting better, I cry everyday, and console myself that at least I’m not crying all day. Memories are suppose to be comforting, but they usually send me to the floor crying out for Gods help. He died at 59, we just started our empty nest with so many plans. Since then, our younger two children married and one just had a baby. Blessings for sure, but for me a reminder of who is missing. Bitter/ sweet. And my son, needs his dad. Now a homeowner and husband he needs a mentor. So many issues that we need his dads wisdom. Pray that God will send a man into his life to mentor him, advise him. I feel like he hears me but isn’t listening. Gary, pray for me. I don’t understand this journey at all. Thank you for being here for me. May God bless you as you minister to all of the grieving people you touch. Jeanette Gass
HI Jeanette. Bittersweet…that’s a good way to put it. With each new thing, we’re conscious of who’s not with us. Sigh. I’ll be praying, as you requested. Please keep me posted, as you wish and want to. Now is not forever – that much I know for sure. Things will not be the same in the future – I know that too. I pray that your life will be full of blessings and that the pain morphs into something much more positive. Blessings to you, Jeanette.
It’s been seven months and seems like he left just yesterday; that is how it feels today. Ask me tomorrow and I may moan that I miss him and this hurt has gone on far too long.
On a personal level, I’ve been looking for my old copy of Hinds Feet on High Places which is an allegorical fiction where the main character’s name is “Much Afraid” and we watch her journey to joy and peace. I read it as a renewed believer in God about 30 years ago…..I can’t find it anywhere so guess I’ll order a new copy (or 6).
Thanks for your ministry to us and for your pastoral love and caring, Gary. God Bless.
Hi Deb. Thanks for sharing. Yes, each day seems much the same, and very different at the same time. I remember Hinds Feet. Boy, that was a long time ago when I read it. I remember being very encouraged. “Much Afraid” – what a great name for a character. We can so relate, right? Praying for you now. Take care, Deb.
It’s been seven months and seems like he left just yesterday; that is how it feels today. Ask me tomorrow and I may moan that I miss him and this hurt has gone on far too long.
On a personal level, I’ve been looking for my old copy of Hinds Feet on High Places which is an allegorical fiction where the main character’s name is “Much Afraid” and we watch her journey to joy and peace. I read it as a renewed believer in God about 30 years ago…..I can’t find it anywhere so guess I’ll order a new copy (or 6).
Thanks for your ministry to us and for your pastoral love and caring, Gary. God Bless.
Hi Deb. Thanks for sharing. Yes, each day seems much the same, and very different at the same time. I remember Hinds Feet. Boy, that was a long time ago when I read it. I remember being very encouraged. “Much Afraid” – what a great name for a character. We can so relate, right? Praying for you now. Take care, Deb.
It’s been seven months and seems like he left just yesterday; that is how it feels today. Ask me tomorrow and I may moan that I miss him and this hurt has gone on far too long.
On a personal level, I’ve been looking for my old copy of Hinds Feet on High Places which is an allegorical fiction where the main character’s name is “Much Afraid” and we watch her journey to joy and peace. I read it as a renewed believer in God about 30 years ago…..I can’t find it anywhere so guess I’ll order a new copy (or 6).
Thanks for your ministry to us and for your pastoral love and caring, Gary. God Bless.
Hi Deb. Thanks for sharing. Yes, each day seems much the same, and very different at the same time. I remember Hinds Feet. Boy, that was a long time ago when I read it. I remember being very encouraged. “Much Afraid” – what a great name for a character. We can so relate, right? Praying for you now. Take care, Deb.
Hi Gary
It’s always a pleasure hearing from you.
Recently I was called to a call with an officer and it was an 11-44 three (3) day old baby, very very tragic accident.
After the call I set in my patrol car and even though my so BJ was 13yrs old the grief and sadness was quickly awoken again inside of me.
I believe that we that have lost a loved one will ALWAYS have a trigger at one time or another. BUT it’s what we do when were in it that matters.
I can only say that I KNOW that I KNOW my precious saviour holds my hand and my HEART and I REST only in Him.
Thank you so much for your words Gary they are such healing words, such a wonderful tool, and SO anointing!!
God bless you Gary.
Debbie
HI Debbie. Thanks so much for sharing. Oh my. What an experience that must have been. And I agree with you about triggers. Anything, anywhere, any time. Whew. We can’t control those, but our responses are something else, as you said. And I am so thankful for your faith. What would we do??? Yes, He walks with us. Always. In the deepest, darkest valley. He’s been there. He knows. Blessings, Debbie.
Hi Gary
It’s always a pleasure hearing from you.
Recently I was called to a call with an officer and it was an 11-44 three (3) day old baby, very very tragic accident.
After the call I set in my patrol car and even though my so BJ was 13yrs old the grief and sadness was quickly awoken again inside of me.
I believe that we that have lost a loved one will ALWAYS have a trigger at one time or another. BUT it’s what we do when were in it that matters.
I can only say that I KNOW that I KNOW my precious saviour holds my hand and my HEART and I REST only in Him.
Thank you so much for your words Gary they are such healing words, such a wonderful tool, and SO anointing!!
God bless you Gary.
Debbie
HI Debbie. Thanks so much for sharing. Oh my. What an experience that must have been. And I agree with you about triggers. Anything, anywhere, any time. Whew. We can’t control those, but our responses are something else, as you said. And I am so thankful for your faith. What would we do??? Yes, He walks with us. Always. In the deepest, darkest valley. He’s been there. He knows. Blessings, Debbie.
Hi Gary
It’s always a pleasure hearing from you.
Recently I was called to a call with an officer and it was an 11-44 three (3) day old baby, very very tragic accident.
After the call I set in my patrol car and even though my so BJ was 13yrs old the grief and sadness was quickly awoken again inside of me.
I believe that we that have lost a loved one will ALWAYS have a trigger at one time or another. BUT it’s what we do when were in it that matters.
I can only say that I KNOW that I KNOW my precious saviour holds my hand and my HEART and I REST only in Him.
Thank you so much for your words Gary they are such healing words, such a wonderful tool, and SO anointing!!
God bless you Gary.
Debbie
HI Debbie. Thanks so much for sharing. Oh my. What an experience that must have been. And I agree with you about triggers. Anything, anywhere, any time. Whew. We can’t control those, but our responses are something else, as you said. And I am so thankful for your faith. What would we do??? Yes, He walks with us. Always. In the deepest, darkest valley. He’s been there. He knows. Blessings, Debbie.
We are having a birthday party for a great grand baby today. The last time I saw some of these people my husband was with me, I month later he went into the hospital never to come home again. I am having thoughts of not going, but that will not be fair to the children. Can I go and hold this grief inside? Already the tears are flowing. Husband always enjoyed a party. He would be so excited.
HI Betty. Thanks for sharing. Yes, that’s a tough one – I’m praying for you now. It’s okay to lose it – at least, I think it is. Grief will not be denied sometimes – and our tears just proclaim our love. Let me know how it goes. Praying…
We are having a birthday party for a great grand baby today. The last time I saw some of these people my husband was with me, I month later he went into the hospital never to come home again. I am having thoughts of not going, but that will not be fair to the children. Can I go and hold this grief inside? Already the tears are flowing. Husband always enjoyed a party. He would be so excited.
HI Betty. Thanks for sharing. Yes, that’s a tough one – I’m praying for you now. It’s okay to lose it – at least, I think it is. Grief will not be denied sometimes – and our tears just proclaim our love. Let me know how it goes. Praying…
We are having a birthday party for a great grand baby today. The last time I saw some of these people my husband was with me, I month later he went into the hospital never to come home again. I am having thoughts of not going, but that will not be fair to the children. Can I go and hold this grief inside? Already the tears are flowing. Husband always enjoyed a party. He would be so excited.
HI Betty. Thanks for sharing. Yes, that’s a tough one – I’m praying for you now. It’s okay to lose it – at least, I think it is. Grief will not be denied sometimes – and our tears just proclaim our love. Let me know how it goes. Praying…
Yes, this is me again. I lost my husband on November 8, 2014. Just recently I started feeling pain in my heart, remembering him and the day he died from cancer. I see a picture and I cry. He is always on my mind nut always has been, but it hurts all over again. Why? I thought I past that part from crying, etc. I am seeing someone and have been since he was gone at 10 months out. I was lonely but now it’s back again. I don’t know what to do. My boyfriend lost his wife to cancer 4 years ago. We talk all the time about our marriages and us. But the hurt in my heart is still there. What am I doing wrong? Is it supposed to be this way?
Hi Wanda. Thanks for sharing. Chances are you’re not doing anything wrong. Grief has no timetable, and it does not move in a linear fashion – in other words, we get better, then better, and then better, in a straightforward way. It’s more like a journey through a long series of hills and valleys. Sometimes we see ahead and feel like we’re doing better and moving forward – and we are. Other times, we’re in a valley, we lose perspective, can’t see ahead, and think we’re moving backwards – but we’re not. It’s just a valley. If you continue to work on grieving well – in a healthy manner – doing what you can do, all will be well. This is a complicated, tough journey. Breathe deeply, get around people who are helpful to you, and be patient with yourself. Blessings to you, Wanda.
Yes, this is me again. I lost my husband on November 8, 2014. Just recently I started feeling pain in my heart, remembering him and the day he died from cancer. I see a picture and I cry. He is always on my mind nut always has been, but it hurts all over again. Why? I thought I past that part from crying, etc. I am seeing someone and have been since he was gone at 10 months out. I was lonely but now it’s back again. I don’t know what to do. My boyfriend lost his wife to cancer 4 years ago. We talk all the time about our marriages and us. But the hurt in my heart is still there. What am I doing wrong? Is it supposed to be this way?
Hi Wanda. Thanks for sharing. Chances are you’re not doing anything wrong. Grief has no timetable, and it does not move in a linear fashion – in other words, we get better, then better, and then better, in a straightforward way. It’s more like a journey through a long series of hills and valleys. Sometimes we see ahead and feel like we’re doing better and moving forward – and we are. Other times, we’re in a valley, we lose perspective, can’t see ahead, and think we’re moving backwards – but we’re not. It’s just a valley. If you continue to work on grieving well – in a healthy manner – doing what you can do, all will be well. This is a complicated, tough journey. Breathe deeply, get around people who are helpful to you, and be patient with yourself. Blessings to you, Wanda.
Yes, this is me again. I lost my husband on November 8, 2014. Just recently I started feeling pain in my heart, remembering him and the day he died from cancer. I see a picture and I cry. He is always on my mind nut always has been, but it hurts all over again. Why? I thought I past that part from crying, etc. I am seeing someone and have been since he was gone at 10 months out. I was lonely but now it’s back again. I don’t know what to do. My boyfriend lost his wife to cancer 4 years ago. We talk all the time about our marriages and us. But the hurt in my heart is still there. What am I doing wrong? Is it supposed to be this way?
Hi Wanda. Thanks for sharing. Chances are you’re not doing anything wrong. Grief has no timetable, and it does not move in a linear fashion – in other words, we get better, then better, and then better, in a straightforward way. It’s more like a journey through a long series of hills and valleys. Sometimes we see ahead and feel like we’re doing better and moving forward – and we are. Other times, we’re in a valley, we lose perspective, can’t see ahead, and think we’re moving backwards – but we’re not. It’s just a valley. If you continue to work on grieving well – in a healthy manner – doing what you can do, all will be well. This is a complicated, tough journey. Breathe deeply, get around people who are helpful to you, and be patient with yourself. Blessings to you, Wanda.