We’re all missing someone.
Michelle sat across the table from me, turning her chicken salad over and over with her fork.
“I should be over this by now,” she sighed.
Michelle’s mother had passed away four months earlier. They had seen each other almost every day for a decade. They talked about everything. Her mom’s death left a gaping hole in Michelle’s life and heart.
“She’s always been there. Until she passed, you had never lived a day without her,” I said. “Michelle, you’re not going to get over this.”
Michelle looked up from her plate and stared at me. She opened her mouth to speak, but no words came. Her face began to crumple, and the tears began to fall.
When we lose someone (to death, divorce, moves, mental or physical illness, or relational distance) it’s impossible to get over them. That would be like saying they didn’t matter and their lives were of no real importance.
My Friend Bill
About 20 years ago, I got a call from my friend Bill. He was a college buddy and a groomsman in my wedding. We hadn’t seen each other for years, but we talked at least every couple of months. He was a master at staying in touch.
This phone call was different. “Gary, I’ve got leukemia, and it’s advanced. It doesn’t look good.”
I gripped the phone in silence. No words came.
“I know, man, I know,” Bill said. “That’s how I responded when they told me.”
Several months later, Bill was gone. He was barely 40. I still have a hard time believing it. I miss his voice, his sense of humor, and his encouragement. I sometimes close my eyes and try to remember his face.
Get over Bill? Nope. No way.
Relationships are the foundation of our lives. People matter so deeply.
People are Priceless
All of us are special. We are priceless beings of eternal value. When someone exits, they leave a hole. We can’t replace them. We can only grieve, and hopefully learn to appreciate them even more.
- You never get over a person. You learn to adapt and adjust over time.
- As you grieve well, the one you miss will naturally take his or her new place in your life.
- If you look carefully, you’ll recognize them in your actions and hear their voice in your words.
- Grief will become mixed with thanksgiving.
- Slowly, the color will come back into life.
I learned so much from Bill, the most powerful thing being selfless service. Bill loved people and gave his life to those around him, especially those in need. I can honor him by living his legacy as part of my mission.
Grieve Well, Lean Forward, and Grow
How do we do this? Here are five suggestions:
1. Appreciate what’s been lost.
2. Feel the emotions involved (sadness, anger, confusion, relief, frustration, fear, anxiety, depression, etc.).
3. Don’t go internal or isolate. Stay connected to people.
4. Share the stories and memories.
5. Don’t get in a hurry. Take your time.
Moving through the fog of loss is not a random, wandering journey (though it may feel that way).
Our hearts are seeking a new equilibrium. Recovery takes time. Lots of time.
Let the one you miss sink deeply into your life and heart. Honor them in the way you live. Let the memory of your time together bring smiles as well as tears.
Who are you missing today?
Suggested resources:
Comfort for Grieving Hearts: Hope and Encouragement in Times of Loss
Grief Walk: Experiencing God After the Loss of a Loved One – Watch the book video.
I took care of my mother for 8 yrs. she was my best friend. We went on trips together, we laughed, talked & she let me know about her younger days. She died 11-29-13 at the age of 90. I can’t seem to find my new normal. I don’t want to leave the house we lived in for another job, because there are so many memories, I have been depressed and my sister won’t talk to me, so it’s just me. I don’t know what to do. I’m so lost.
Hi Rita. Thank you for caring for your mom the way you did. I’m so glad you had all that time to get to know her in deep, powerful ways. And that makes this loss so much more painful. I’m so sorry. If there’s anything I can do, please let me know. Please be kind to yourself, and patient with yourself. You deserve and need that. Blessings to you…
I took care of my mother for 8 yrs. she was my best friend. We went on trips together, we laughed, talked & she let me know about her younger days. She died 11-29-13 at the age of 90. I can’t seem to find my new normal. I don’t want to leave the house we lived in for another job, because there are so many memories, I have been depressed and my sister won’t talk to me, so it’s just me. I don’t know what to do. I’m so lost.
Hi Rita. Thank you for caring for your mom the way you did. I’m so glad you had all that time to get to know her in deep, powerful ways. And that makes this loss so much more painful. I’m so sorry. If there’s anything I can do, please let me know. Please be kind to yourself, and patient with yourself. You deserve and need that. Blessings to you…
I took care of my mother for 8 yrs. she was my best friend. We went on trips together, we laughed, talked & she let me know about her younger days. She died 11-29-13 at the age of 90. I can’t seem to find my new normal. I don’t want to leave the house we lived in for another job, because there are so many memories, I have been depressed and my sister won’t talk to me, so it’s just me. I don’t know what to do. I’m so lost.
Hi Rita. Thank you for caring for your mom the way you did. I’m so glad you had all that time to get to know her in deep, powerful ways. And that makes this loss so much more painful. I’m so sorry. If there’s anything I can do, please let me know. Please be kind to yourself, and patient with yourself. You deserve and need that. Blessings to you…
My friend George died about 2-1/2 years ago. I don’t cry as much but still miss him horribly. It would have been 19 years. I never had anyone in my life that long before. God used him for a lot of healing and teaching. God used me alot in his life. Financially he was not good. Several times he would want me to give him money for various things and most times I said no. When it was critical (like coming down to Tucson from the Grand Canyon it was found his vehicle needed $500+ of work. No question I put it on my charge card.) In time, I just said I forgave his debt and moved on. When he died, his company had bought life insurance polcies on their employees. I received what I think was the amount owed. God provided. I sure do miss him. One day the electricity went out in our complex the day and time he died! Had to chuckle! The owner of the theatre he worked at insists I come more often and treats me to dinner. I now try to see a show 3x. They are hysterical!!!!!!
Thanks for sharing, Caryl. Your love for George is so clear in your words. When God puts people like this in our lives, when they exit it leaves a huge hole. I’m so sorry. Please keep reaching out as you want or need to. Blessings to you…
My friend George died about 2-1/2 years ago. I don’t cry as much but still miss him horribly. It would have been 19 years. I never had anyone in my life that long before. God used him for a lot of healing and teaching. God used me alot in his life. Financially he was not good. Several times he would want me to give him money for various things and most times I said no. When it was critical (like coming down to Tucson from the Grand Canyon it was found his vehicle needed $500+ of work. No question I put it on my charge card.) In time, I just said I forgave his debt and moved on. When he died, his company had bought life insurance polcies on their employees. I received what I think was the amount owed. God provided. I sure do miss him. One day the electricity went out in our complex the day and time he died! Had to chuckle! The owner of the theatre he worked at insists I come more often and treats me to dinner. I now try to see a show 3x. They are hysterical!!!!!!
Thanks for sharing, Caryl. Your love for George is so clear in your words. When God puts people like this in our lives, when they exit it leaves a huge hole. I’m so sorry. Please keep reaching out as you want or need to. Blessings to you…
My friend George died about 2-1/2 years ago. I don’t cry as much but still miss him horribly. It would have been 19 years. I never had anyone in my life that long before. God used him for a lot of healing and teaching. God used me alot in his life. Financially he was not good. Several times he would want me to give him money for various things and most times I said no. When it was critical (like coming down to Tucson from the Grand Canyon it was found his vehicle needed $500+ of work. No question I put it on my charge card.) In time, I just said I forgave his debt and moved on. When he died, his company had bought life insurance polcies on their employees. I received what I think was the amount owed. God provided. I sure do miss him. One day the electricity went out in our complex the day and time he died! Had to chuckle! The owner of the theatre he worked at insists I come more often and treats me to dinner. I now try to see a show 3x. They are hysterical!!!!!!
Thanks for sharing, Caryl. Your love for George is so clear in your words. When God puts people like this in our lives, when they exit it leaves a huge hole. I’m so sorry. Please keep reaching out as you want or need to. Blessings to you…
Gary, thank you for sharing about your friend. I get so used to turning to you for help and encouragement, that I don’t stop and think about your hurts…I do thank God that He has made you who you are- a help to so many people. And I will be careful to keep you close in my prayers, too.
Today I miss my mom. She was such a wonderful caregiver when I was sick or hurt. I have a broken foot, and I miss being able to tell her, because her instant sympathy was comforting and even healing. I know she would give me good advice to help me feel better, both physically and emotionally.
Hi Kim. Thank you for your kind and encouraging words. And thanks for much for your prayers – I need them! And thank you for your love for you mom. Yes, I often wonder the same things, but about my dad – what would he say to this, that, etc. This is tough. If I can do anything for you, please let me know. Blessings…
Gary, thank you for sharing about your friend. I get so used to turning to you for help and encouragement, that I don’t stop and think about your hurts…I do thank God that He has made you who you are- a help to so many people. And I will be careful to keep you close in my prayers, too.
Today I miss my mom. She was such a wonderful caregiver when I was sick or hurt. I have a broken foot, and I miss being able to tell her, because her instant sympathy was comforting and even healing. I know she would give me good advice to help me feel better, both physically and emotionally.
Hi Kim. Thank you for your kind and encouraging words. And thanks for much for your prayers – I need them! And thank you for your love for you mom. Yes, I often wonder the same things, but about my dad – what would he say to this, that, etc. This is tough. If I can do anything for you, please let me know. Blessings…
Gary, thank you for sharing about your friend. I get so used to turning to you for help and encouragement, that I don’t stop and think about your hurts…I do thank God that He has made you who you are- a help to so many people. And I will be careful to keep you close in my prayers, too.
Today I miss my mom. She was such a wonderful caregiver when I was sick or hurt. I have a broken foot, and I miss being able to tell her, because her instant sympathy was comforting and even healing. I know she would give me good advice to help me feel better, both physically and emotionally.
Hi Kim. Thank you for your kind and encouraging words. And thanks for much for your prayers – I need them! And thank you for your love for you mom. Yes, I often wonder the same things, but about my dad – what would he say to this, that, etc. This is tough. If I can do anything for you, please let me know. Blessings…
I lost my babygirl (15) Skylar 12-17-16 tragically due to a drunk driver. I have been told that I need to get back to my ‘normal’.to resume my normal routine….I can’t…I don’t have my daughter to wake up for school…and work…I can’t even sleep or keep my thoughts straight for 10 minutes. I was told ‘she isn’t coming back….you have to move on’ …I lost all respect for that person and will have no further communications. I relive her being taken everyday…as we live in a small town and the media is relentless. We were so close her nickname was lil mommy…she was my mini me and even came to my work so often my crews knew jet personally. I am so lost and broken some days I think breathing is the only thing keeping me here. I light candles and have taken her things…I’ve seen a therapist who made me feel worse rather than better….I asked and she had never suffered a loss nor did she have children. I can’t go out in public without people looking at me with pity and either turning away or saying something which I understand is all meant well but it hurts so bad to v have to go through it. I have got 2 books…why bad things happen to good people yet I’m only able to read a page before breaking down and I know I’m not comprehending is words. I’m scared I’m going crazy yet reassured I’m not but I don’t know what to do. I miss Skylar so much it hurts physically to even take a breath.
HI Elizabeth. Please feel free to touch base and email me any time. We can talk more. I’m so sorry. I know the pain must be overwhelming.
I lost my babygirl (15) Skylar 12-17-16 tragically due to a drunk driver. I have been told that I need to get back to my ‘normal’.to resume my normal routine….I can’t…I don’t have my daughter to wake up for school…and work…I can’t even sleep or keep my thoughts straight for 10 minutes. I was told ‘she isn’t coming back….you have to move on’ …I lost all respect for that person and will have no further communications. I relive her being taken everyday…as we live in a small town and the media is relentless. We were so close her nickname was lil mommy…she was my mini me and even came to my work so often my crews knew jet personally. I am so lost and broken some days I think breathing is the only thing keeping me here. I light candles and have taken her things…I’ve seen a therapist who made me feel worse rather than better….I asked and she had never suffered a loss nor did she have children. I can’t go out in public without people looking at me with pity and either turning away or saying something which I understand is all meant well but it hurts so bad to v have to go through it. I have got 2 books…why bad things happen to good people yet I’m only able to read a page before breaking down and I know I’m not comprehending is words. I’m scared I’m going crazy yet reassured I’m not but I don’t know what to do. I miss Skylar so much it hurts physically to even take a breath.
HI Elizabeth. Please feel free to touch base and email me any time. We can talk more. I’m so sorry. I know the pain must be overwhelming.
I lost my babygirl (15) Skylar 12-17-16 tragically due to a drunk driver. I have been told that I need to get back to my ‘normal’.to resume my normal routine….I can’t…I don’t have my daughter to wake up for school…and work…I can’t even sleep or keep my thoughts straight for 10 minutes. I was told ‘she isn’t coming back….you have to move on’ …I lost all respect for that person and will have no further communications. I relive her being taken everyday…as we live in a small town and the media is relentless. We were so close her nickname was lil mommy…she was my mini me and even came to my work so often my crews knew jet personally. I am so lost and broken some days I think breathing is the only thing keeping me here. I light candles and have taken her things…I’ve seen a therapist who made me feel worse rather than better….I asked and she had never suffered a loss nor did she have children. I can’t go out in public without people looking at me with pity and either turning away or saying something which I understand is all meant well but it hurts so bad to v have to go through it. I have got 2 books…why bad things happen to good people yet I’m only able to read a page before breaking down and I know I’m not comprehending is words. I’m scared I’m going crazy yet reassured I’m not but I don’t know what to do. I miss Skylar so much it hurts physically to even take a breath.
HI Elizabeth. Please feel free to touch base and email me any time. We can talk more. I’m so sorry. I know the pain must be overwhelming.
My son Justin passed away on Christmas 2015, not even 1 yr yet. I can’t even begin to move forward. But was told that I should get over it now, he’s gone. I never will “get over it”. Time does not heal. ????
Hi Gretchen. You are so right. Healing takes time, but time does not heal. I’m so sorry about Justin. If there’s anything I can do for you, please let me know.
My son Justin passed away on Christmas 2015, not even 1 yr yet. I can’t even begin to move forward. But was told that I should get over it now, he’s gone. I never will “get over it”. Time does not heal. ????
Hi Gretchen. You are so right. Healing takes time, but time does not heal. I’m so sorry about Justin. If there’s anything I can do for you, please let me know.
My son Justin passed away on Christmas 2015, not even 1 yr yet. I can’t even begin to move forward. But was told that I should get over it now, he’s gone. I never will “get over it”. Time does not heal. ????
Hi Gretchen. You are so right. Healing takes time, but time does not heal. I’m so sorry about Justin. If there’s anything I can do for you, please let me know.
I lost my husband of 12 years last June he was only 52 I still cry I still miss him and I have tried to move on but I feel like I am cheating on my husband that past is that normal?
Hi Angie. Others have reported the same feeling of guilt. It’s very natural to feel like you’re leaving him or betraying him somehow if yo make any forward, positive changes. This is your heart not wanting to let go – and that’s understandable. Letting go and moving forward are tough concepts to think about and do – and it’s different for each person. Of course you miss him. You always will on some level. Life will different now…
I feel this way too I try to move on but I feel like my heart is betraying Dave I wondered if I will always feel this way
HI Gail. Thanks for sharing. Yes, that’s a pretty common feeling. And no, I don’t think you’ll always feel that way. We assume that how it is now is the way it will always be – because we’re in a new place, uncharted territory, and sometimes little makes sense. I’m so sorry. Please be kind to yourself.
I lost my husband of 12 years last June he was only 52 I still cry I still miss him and I have tried to move on but I feel like I am cheating on my husband that past is that normal?
Hi Angie. Others have reported the same feeling of guilt. It’s very natural to feel like you’re leaving him or betraying him somehow if yo make any forward, positive changes. This is your heart not wanting to let go – and that’s understandable. Letting go and moving forward are tough concepts to think about and do – and it’s different for each person. Of course you miss him. You always will on some level. Life will different now…
I feel this way too I try to move on but I feel like my heart is betraying Dave I wondered if I will always feel this way
HI Gail. Thanks for sharing. Yes, that’s a pretty common feeling. And no, I don’t think you’ll always feel that way. We assume that how it is now is the way it will always be – because we’re in a new place, uncharted territory, and sometimes little makes sense. I’m so sorry. Please be kind to yourself.
I lost my husband of 12 years last June he was only 52 I still cry I still miss him and I have tried to move on but I feel like I am cheating on my husband that past is that normal?
Hi Angie. Others have reported the same feeling of guilt. It’s very natural to feel like you’re leaving him or betraying him somehow if yo make any forward, positive changes. This is your heart not wanting to let go – and that’s understandable. Letting go and moving forward are tough concepts to think about and do – and it’s different for each person. Of course you miss him. You always will on some level. Life will different now…
I feel this way too I try to move on but I feel like my heart is betraying Dave I wondered if I will always feel this way
HI Gail. Thanks for sharing. Yes, that’s a pretty common feeling. And no, I don’t think you’ll always feel that way. We assume that how it is now is the way it will always be – because we’re in a new place, uncharted territory, and sometimes little makes sense. I’m so sorry. Please be kind to yourself.