Recently, I sent out a one-question survey asking people what they struggled with most in the grief process.
Out of over 400 responses, the most common answer was loneliness.
Holidays can make this even worse. This time of year surfaces our losses and throws them in our faces. We bump into a memory with every decoration, song, or tradition.
Holidays and loneliness don’t mix well.
Here’s the truth…
I could tell you that you’re not alone. That’s true, but if your heart is broken, you’re focused on who’s not here, not who is.
Here’s the truth. Grief is a lonely process. When hearts break, we feel the cracking. Someone has exited, and the void created is stunning. We miss everything – their presence, face, voice, smell, touch, laughter – the list goes on and on. The intensity of the loneliness can smother us.
We feel it. And feeling it, at least to some degree, is healthy, because the loneliness is real.
On the other hand, none of us can feel the full weight of grief’s onslaught. It would be more than crushing. Our sturdy yet fragile hearts can only handle so much. We need relief from time to time.
So somehow, we must feel the loneliness, yet live on. Somewhere in the midst of the rubble, there is a balance each of us must search for – feeling the pain, and yet engaging in the world we’re still part of.
How do we do this?
No foolproof rules, just 4 helpful tips.
There are no foolproof steps or rules to handling holiday loneliness. But I do believe there are some helpful guidelines.
- Take your heart seriously.
Your heart is your most prized possession. It’s the guts of who you are. As wise King Solomon said, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the spring from which everything else in your life flows.”
What does your heart most need? More time alone? More time with others? Who do you need time with? Who is most helpful to you now?
What do you want to do? How? When? With whom?
Do you need more or less activity? Are you hydrating, eating well, and exercising (this is huge, because grief is a form of stress that suppresses the immune system and greatly affects our bodies)?
Do you need to downgrade your expectations of yourself, others, or the holidays in general?
Take a deep breath. Get off auto-pilot. Look to your heart. You’ll be glad you did.
- Make a plan to honor your loved one.
Your heart needs this. Your loved one deserves it too. How will you honor him or her this holiday?
- A familiar tradition continued in their honor?
- An empty chair and / or a place set at the table?
- A loving letter?
- A time of sharing with family?
- A stocking, stuffed with cards written and prepared by family?
- A present under the tree that can be passed around, with each person sharing what they miss about them?
- A charitable donation in their name?
Be creative. Make a plan, even a very simple one, to include and honor them.
And speak their name often. Your heart longs to say it. There is a sweetness, even if painful, to the names of those we love.
- Express your love by grieving well.
The grief is always with us, in us. Let out what you can, when you can.
- Write a note, card, letter.
- Journal.
- Talk out loud.
- Light a candle.
- Go to a remembrance service.
- Scream.
- Cry.
- Punch a pillow, or a paper bag.
- Throw some eggs.
Grief is part of love. It will be expressed, one way or another.
- Consider serving.
We’re not alone in our suffering. Plenty of others are hurting. Perhaps we can serve some of them.
There’s something about reaching out and serving others when we’re hurting that brings a little healing to our hearts. It gives us perspective, and pulls us out of our pain for a little while. Service, and seeing the gratitude of others, can be salve to our wounds.
Lonely is not who we are
Lonely does not mean alone. And it surely doesn’t mean meaningless or hopeless. Far from it.
Lonely means lonely. We miss someone, and we feel it. Depending on the loss, it can color everything. Nothing may be the same.
Feel it, but decide how much you can take. Take your heart seriously. Include and honor your loved one these holidays. Express your love for them by grieving well. Reach out from the pain, use the grief, and serve.
And breathe deeply all the way through. We’re in this together. Now is not forever.
Lonely is what we feel, but it is not who we are.
P.S. If you find yourself needing more help for the holidays, check out my recent post Six Steps for Managing the Holidays While Hurting, or take grab my free series of 4 short videos on Beating Holiday Grief. You are not alone.
[/div]
Gary, thank you for the article. I miss my friend. It would have been 19 years. God had used him for a lot of healing and teaching in my life. I am very grateful for a boss of his who insists that I go see the theatre shows more often and treats me to meals. There is so much laughter at those shows. I am grateful for those times.
Hi Caryl. Thanks for sharing. Your gratitude shines through your words. You are doing well. We have much to be thankful for, especially if we’ve had the opportunity to love and be loved deeply.
Gary, thank you for the article. I miss my friend. It would have been 19 years. God had used him for a lot of healing and teaching in my life. I am very grateful for a boss of his who insists that I go see the theatre shows more often and treats me to meals. There is so much laughter at those shows. I am grateful for those times.
Hi Caryl. Thanks for sharing. Your gratitude shines through your words. You are doing well. We have much to be thankful for, especially if we’ve had the opportunity to love and be loved deeply.
Gary, thank you for the article. I miss my friend. It would have been 19 years. God had used him for a lot of healing and teaching in my life. I am very grateful for a boss of his who insists that I go see the theatre shows more often and treats me to meals. There is so much laughter at those shows. I am grateful for those times.
Hi Caryl. Thanks for sharing. Your gratitude shines through your words. You are doing well. We have much to be thankful for, especially if we’ve had the opportunity to love and be loved deeply.
Gary,
Your words are always so spot on and helpful! Thank you so much for always offering support to those bereaved. You are a gem!
Hi Barb. Thanks for your encouragement. It means a lot. And thank you for investing in your own heart and healing. You sound like you are doing well. Praying for you now…
Gary,
Your words are always so spot on and helpful! Thank you so much for always offering support to those bereaved. You are a gem!
Hi Barb. Thanks for your encouragement. It means a lot. And thank you for investing in your own heart and healing. You sound like you are doing well. Praying for you now…
Gary,
Your words are always so spot on and helpful! Thank you so much for always offering support to those bereaved. You are a gem!
Hi Barb. Thanks for your encouragement. It means a lot. And thank you for investing in your own heart and healing. You sound like you are doing well. Praying for you now…
This will be our first Christmas without our son , his name was Robbie we lost him in April of this year.It has been so painful without him , and he left an 8 yr old son behind .Kids just don’t grieve like we grownups do , so if worry thst will hit him really hard later. My son was only 38 yrs old , and all is csn think is , what would he have been like as he gotten older , would he have had more children , now he will miss everything his son will do in his life , the list goes on and on !
Hi Shirley. Thanks for sharing. Yes, you’re right – the list goes on and on of the things that will be missed. I’m so sorry about Robbie. I can’t imagine. And you’re right again – kids grieve very differently than adults. What can you do? Just love him. That does more good than anything else. Please be very nice to yourself these holidays. Feel free to share anytime. Stay connected. You are not alone.
This will be our first Christmas without our son , his name was Robbie we lost him in April of this year.It has been so painful without him , and he left an 8 yr old son behind .Kids just don’t grieve like we grownups do , so if worry thst will hit him really hard later. My son was only 38 yrs old , and all is csn think is , what would he have been like as he gotten older , would he have had more children , now he will miss everything his son will do in his life , the list goes on and on !
Hi Shirley. Thanks for sharing. Yes, you’re right – the list goes on and on of the things that will be missed. I’m so sorry about Robbie. I can’t imagine. And you’re right again – kids grieve very differently than adults. What can you do? Just love him. That does more good than anything else. Please be very nice to yourself these holidays. Feel free to share anytime. Stay connected. You are not alone.
This will be our first Christmas without our son , his name was Robbie we lost him in April of this year.It has been so painful without him , and he left an 8 yr old son behind .Kids just don’t grieve like we grownups do , so if worry thst will hit him really hard later. My son was only 38 yrs old , and all is csn think is , what would he have been like as he gotten older , would he have had more children , now he will miss everything his son will do in his life , the list goes on and on !
Hi Shirley. Thanks for sharing. Yes, you’re right – the list goes on and on of the things that will be missed. I’m so sorry about Robbie. I can’t imagine. And you’re right again – kids grieve very differently than adults. What can you do? Just love him. That does more good than anything else. Please be very nice to yourself these holidays. Feel free to share anytime. Stay connected. You are not alone.
I lost my daughter 7 years ago and my husband and brother a little over a year ago,also 4 other siblings in recent years. Last year I did pretty OK but this year I am finding it hard to decorate etc and miss my husband intensely. Thanks for the article…I shared it with others too as my nieces husband just died tragically I will work at using some of your ideas….thanks!
Hi Theresa. Wow. You’ve had a lot of losses. I’m so sorry about all you have been through. And yes, sometimes the second set of holidays after a death is more challenging than the first. The loss has settled in some more, and than brings a deeper, different kind of pain. If there’s anything I can do for you, please let me know. Please be nice to yourself. This is hard.
I lost my daughter 7 years ago and my husband and brother a little over a year ago,also 4 other siblings in recent years. Last year I did pretty OK but this year I am finding it hard to decorate etc and miss my husband intensely. Thanks for the article…I shared it with others too as my nieces husband just died tragically I will work at using some of your ideas….thanks!
Hi Theresa. Wow. You’ve had a lot of losses. I’m so sorry about all you have been through. And yes, sometimes the second set of holidays after a death is more challenging than the first. The loss has settled in some more, and than brings a deeper, different kind of pain. If there’s anything I can do for you, please let me know. Please be nice to yourself. This is hard.
I lost my daughter 7 years ago and my husband and brother a little over a year ago,also 4 other siblings in recent years. Last year I did pretty OK but this year I am finding it hard to decorate etc and miss my husband intensely. Thanks for the article…I shared it with others too as my nieces husband just died tragically I will work at using some of your ideas….thanks!
Hi Theresa. Wow. You’ve had a lot of losses. I’m so sorry about all you have been through. And yes, sometimes the second set of holidays after a death is more challenging than the first. The loss has settled in some more, and than brings a deeper, different kind of pain. If there’s anything I can do for you, please let me know. Please be nice to yourself. This is hard.
Thank you for all of your help.
Hi Karen. You are more than welcome. We’re in this thing together. Hang in there…
Thank you for all of your help.
Hi Karen. You are more than welcome. We’re in this thing together. Hang in there…
Thank you for all of your help.
Hi Karen. You are more than welcome. We’re in this thing together. Hang in there…