[dropcap2 variation=”coffee”]W[/dropcap2]elcome to the second video in this series on Beating Holiday Grief. Today we’re going to be talking about why holidays are hard and what you can do about it.
Here’s a summary of the main points:
- Holidays are hard. Grief can make them unbearable.
- How you juggle expectations (yours and others’) in the midst of grief will greatly affect your holidays.
- You can manage expectations by proactively choosing what to do, how, when, and with whom.
- How do you do that? Three suggestions…
- Take yourself seriously. Be nice to you. You’re no good to anyone else if you don’t take care of you.
- Learn to say, “NO.” Try saying something like, “This year is going to be hard without my loved one, so I’m going to do things differently this year. I hope you’ll understand.”
- Let go of guilt. It’s not your responsibility to meet everyone’s expectations. Do what’s good for you.
As you do these things, you’ll be grieving well and honoring your loved one at the same time. If you do what’s good for you, it’s usually good for others too.
I have two more videos on Beating Holiday Grief, so stay tuned. Next time: Doing the Holidays WITH your loved one, not WITHOUT them.
In the meantime, here are two resources to help:
- I Miss You: A Holiday Grief Survival Kit – A free, short and practical e-book . You can download it now by clicking here.
- Surviving the Holidays Without You – An encouraging, practical guide to this time of year. Available as an e-book or paperback.
Your life has changed forever. These holidays will be different, but they can still be good.
Gary I already feel like I have know you for years. I have worked with many Hospice staff of coarse including clergy in my role as a former Hospice nurse. I knew that one day I too would be faced with losses but there was no way to prepare myself for the loss of my child. No one can ever really let their mind go there for very long so we cannot “grieve” in advance.Our children are not suppose to die before us so it is most always a shock and awe event. When my son died I was devastated to the point of being paralyzed. Every time I woke up I had to live the reality of his death again for months. Sometimes during the day if I did get distracted for a bit the same thing would happen. It was like I would suddenly “Wake Up” and get to feel like I was hearing “he is gone” all over again. It was a nightmare I could not get out of. The level of my grief shocked me. It made me wonder if we as Hospice staff ever get to see this grief because for me I either did not answer the calls or I would tell the Bereavement Coordinator that I was “doing fine.” I did not want anyone around me. I did not want to talk. I wanted to die. I needed their help but was in such a deep raw place that I could not reach out. Finally I broke down with one of my Home Health nurses who came to my home to provide care to my central line intravenous line and administer Total Parenteral Nutrition. I was connected to my Bereavement Coordinator who referred me to a Psychiatrists and a Counselor whom I still see today approximately 2 years later. In the year that my son died I also lost my main support, my younger 57 year old brother to a rare GI cancer then three months later our dear 82 year old mother to complications of Alzheimer’s. This all happened in 2013. To say it was a bad year is an understatement. In January 2014 my 85 yer old father was diagnosed with lung cancer. He was so alert and oriented. He elected not to seek any treatment because of his extremely bad heart and COPD. He lost his short battle in May 2014. What can I say? I do not think I have had ample time to grieve an ONE of my loved ones fully. It is like I start crying about my son but end up crying about Son, dad and brother many times. My mother, father, and son are all buried in the same cemetery section along with my sister who died in 1962. It is almost impossible for to visit my son’s grave site now because it is just overpowering.I wanted to share my story of grief gone wild I guess. I don’t know what we can learn on this journey but I am sure tha God will reveal his plan one day. Thank you for being here and offering a place for the wounded to seek some help. Karen
Hi Karen. Thank you for sharing. I’m so sorry. What a tremendous amount of loss you have endured, and are enduring. No wonder you felt paralyzed. It’s a wonder you were able to function at all. “Grief gone wild.” I like that phrase – and you are not at all alone in this. During this Holiday Grief Campaign, I’ve heard stories that have broken my heart. There is so much pain out there. You are deeply wounded, and the scars will remain, but you are healing, bit by bit. I’m praying for you now…
Gary I already feel like I have know you for years. I have worked with many Hospice staff of coarse including clergy in my role as a former Hospice nurse. I knew that one day I too would be faced with losses but there was no way to prepare myself for the loss of my child. No one can ever really let their mind go there for very long so we cannot “grieve” in advance.Our children are not suppose to die before us so it is most always a shock and awe event. When my son died I was devastated to the point of being paralyzed. Every time I woke up I had to live the reality of his death again for months. Sometimes during the day if I did get distracted for a bit the same thing would happen. It was like I would suddenly “Wake Up” and get to feel like I was hearing “he is gone” all over again. It was a nightmare I could not get out of. The level of my grief shocked me. It made me wonder if we as Hospice staff ever get to see this grief because for me I either did not answer the calls or I would tell the Bereavement Coordinator that I was “doing fine.” I did not want anyone around me. I did not want to talk. I wanted to die. I needed their help but was in such a deep raw place that I could not reach out. Finally I broke down with one of my Home Health nurses who came to my home to provide care to my central line intravenous line and administer Total Parenteral Nutrition. I was connected to my Bereavement Coordinator who referred me to a Psychiatrists and a Counselor whom I still see today approximately 2 years later. In the year that my son died I also lost my main support, my younger 57 year old brother to a rare GI cancer then three months later our dear 82 year old mother to complications of Alzheimer’s. This all happened in 2013. To say it was a bad year is an understatement. In January 2014 my 85 yer old father was diagnosed with lung cancer. He was so alert and oriented. He elected not to seek any treatment because of his extremely bad heart and COPD. He lost his short battle in May 2014. What can I say? I do not think I have had ample time to grieve an ONE of my loved ones fully. It is like I start crying about my son but end up crying about Son, dad and brother many times. My mother, father, and son are all buried in the same cemetery section along with my sister who died in 1962. It is almost impossible for to visit my son’s grave site now because it is just overpowering.I wanted to share my story of grief gone wild I guess. I don’t know what we can learn on this journey but I am sure tha God will reveal his plan one day. Thank you for being here and offering a place for the wounded to seek some help. Karen
Hi Karen. Thank you for sharing. I’m so sorry. What a tremendous amount of loss you have endured, and are enduring. No wonder you felt paralyzed. It’s a wonder you were able to function at all. “Grief gone wild.” I like that phrase – and you are not at all alone in this. During this Holiday Grief Campaign, I’ve heard stories that have broken my heart. There is so much pain out there. You are deeply wounded, and the scars will remain, but you are healing, bit by bit. I’m praying for you now…