“I’ve got some unfinished business.”
I first heard this in a movie many years ago. Make things right by getting even. Exact our own version of justice based on our view of what happened. Do to others as they’ve done to us.
And we wonder why things aren’t going well.
Cain’s Ugly Legacy
Unfortunately, there’s some of Cain in all of us.
His story is in the first book of the Bible. His brother Abel brought God his best. Cain brought a bit of what he thought he could spare. The quality of their offerings revealed the state of their hearts.
God accepted Abel’s offering, but not Cain’s. Cain got mad, and decided to get even. He gave in to his rage and murdered his brother.
Apparently Cain viewed life as a competition, and he had lost. He blamed Abel for his own failure. He chose to see God’s rejection of his offering as God’s rejection of him.
Cain’s legacy has played out in history repeatedly. Murder, character assassination, vigilante justice, self-condemnation, suicide, and gossip – the list goes on and on. Our track record of dealing with past wounds isn’t pretty.
The Past Can Infect the Present
Most of us have something hanging out there unresolved:
- a deep wound from the past
- a relationship gone wrong and never put right
- words and actions we wish could be erased
- profound disappointments and shattered dreams
These things greatly affect our present lives. They leak out onto all our relationships. Unresolved pain becomes unwanted baggage that weighs us down more than we realize.
Compassion – The Greatest Revenge
Thankfully, there are answers.
Take a deep breath. Listen to this from the New Testament:
Be kind and compassionate, forgiving one another…
“Compassion is the greatest revenge,” says my friend, author, and fellow sexual abuse survivor Cecil Murphey. Compassion is how we turn the tables on evil, and how we release our own hearts to heal. Part of compassion is forgiveness.
What Forgiveness is and isn’t.
Forgiveness isn’t saying that it didn’t matter. Forgiveness is saying it did matter, it hurt, and I will not let it control my mind and heart any longer.
Forgiveness isn’t the same as forgetting. Forgiveness is choosing to let go of the pain so healing can begin.
Forgiveness isn’t just about releasing the other person, but also about freeing the real prisoner – ourselves.
Forgiveness isn’t evidence of weakness or being a doormat. Forgiveness is refusing to be controlled by the words, attitudes, and actions of others.
Forgiveness isn’t the same as trust. We need wisdom to know how deeply to engage with those who’ve hurt us.
Why Refusing to Forgive Hurts Only Us
Refusing to forgive keeps past pain alive and gives it power in the present. When our now is cloaked in the shadow of the past, we can’t fully taste the good around us.
Lack of forgiveness hurts only us, and by extension, those we love.
The Vicious Cycle of Hurting and Being Hurt
As long as we live in this world, we’ll get hurt. We’ll hurt others. Most times this happens innocently and unintentionally. Selective hearing, misunderstandings, and negative interpretations are part of everyday life on this planet.
We can sigh and wish it were different. Or we can take life as it is and deal with it.
Forgiveness must replace bitterness and revenge.
Forgiveness must become more than an act of the will toward isolated incidents.
Forgiveness must become a priority skill we intentionally develop.
Forgiveness must become the atmosphere is which we do life, the very air we breathe.
Forgiveness is Freedom
Compassion becomes the best revenge because the pain influences us less and less over time. We begin to taste true freedom. We look less in the rearview mirror and gaze more through the windshield.
Kindness, compassion, and forgiveness have always been essentials for healthy hearts. They form the foundation of what it means to love others.
Simply put, forgiveness is freedom. And it tends to be contagious. Imagine the potential ripple effect of each individual act of forgiveness. Maybe peace on earth begins with a single choice today. Peace of mind and heart certainly does.
Here’s to making forgiveness our new atmosphere.
This includes forgiving ourselves too.
It’s never too late.
Question: Do you find forgiveness is hard sometimes? Feel free to comment below:
Hi Gary
First I would like to say your book is wonderful it has helped my family cope with the loss of our mom and my dads wife. It has really hit home cause it seems like every holiday is so close to her passing that it has been hard. My thing with forgiveness is my sister in law has been a problem since the beginning of me and my husbands relationship. Between the way she acts and expects everyone to treat her like a princess well the last thing she did was she came down for a visit and when she left she went back to her house and told her family along with my husband a lie. And of course everyone believes her and it caused me and my husband to fight to the point were I wanted to leave him just so I didn’t have to deal with her. This has been like this for awhile . He says he doesn’t remember this and that he’s sorry for not asking me and just accusing that helped but I don’t trust his sister and I don’t respect her. This has caused problems I would like to be able to move on what and how can I do this for me not her .
Hi Nichole. I’m so sorry for all you are enduring right now. Loss comes in many forms – and deception destroys relationships like nothing else. It’s like an infection that spreads. I’ll email you more about this…
Hi Gary
First I would like to say your book is wonderful it has helped my family cope with the loss of our mom and my dads wife. It has really hit home cause it seems like every holiday is so close to her passing that it has been hard. My thing with forgiveness is my sister in law has been a problem since the beginning of me and my husbands relationship. Between the way she acts and expects everyone to treat her like a princess well the last thing she did was she came down for a visit and when she left she went back to her house and told her family along with my husband a lie. And of course everyone believes her and it caused me and my husband to fight to the point were I wanted to leave him just so I didn’t have to deal with her. This has been like this for awhile . He says he doesn’t remember this and that he’s sorry for not asking me and just accusing that helped but I don’t trust his sister and I don’t respect her. This has caused problems I would like to be able to move on what and how can I do this for me not her .
Hi Nichole. I’m so sorry for all you are enduring right now. Loss comes in many forms – and deception destroys relationships like nothing else. It’s like an infection that spreads. I’ll email you more about this…
I’ve been trying to figure this out for the past year. I caught my husband in a seies of lies with another woman 2 years before he died. He refused to discuss or appologize. My head says it shouldn’t matter, it’s in the past, he showed me who he loved, but I still want to run this other woman over. My head says forget it, my heart says it’s still bruised. I feel really lost on this subject.
Hi Katy. Oh my. I’m so sorry. Those things SHOULD affect you. Something that big has to be processed. It causes us to doubt, and complicates our grief. Deception is ugly and it hits the heart hard. This will take time. Keep forgiving – as much as possible. Over time, I believe it will sort itself out. Have you tried writing a letter – perhaps to each of them? Let it out. Vent like crazy. You have reason to be angry.
I’ve been trying to figure this out for the past year. I caught my husband in a seies of lies with another woman 2 years before he died. He refused to discuss or appologize. My head says it shouldn’t matter, it’s in the past, he showed me who he loved, but I still want to run this other woman over. My head says forget it, my heart says it’s still bruised. I feel really lost on this subject.
Hi Katy. Oh my. I’m so sorry. Those things SHOULD affect you. Something that big has to be processed. It causes us to doubt, and complicates our grief. Deception is ugly and it hits the heart hard. This will take time. Keep forgiving – as much as possible. Over time, I believe it will sort itself out. Have you tried writing a letter – perhaps to each of them? Let it out. Vent like crazy. You have reason to be angry.
For me forgiveness was hard because I didn’t know how. I knew how to mouth the words but my heart wasn’t carved enough to feel it. The more my heart has been broken open the more personal God and Jesus are. Sometimes it is two steps forward and one step back.
Hi Tammy. That’s a good way to put it. Thanks for sharing. Forgiveness is an act of the will, but it also happens in stages sometimes – we forgive, and then we forgive again at a deeper level – whenever triggered. It’s a constant exercise!
For me forgiveness was hard because I didn’t know how. I knew how to mouth the words but my heart wasn’t carved enough to feel it. The more my heart has been broken open the more personal God and Jesus are. Sometimes it is two steps forward and one step back.
Hi Tammy. That’s a good way to put it. Thanks for sharing. Forgiveness is an act of the will, but it also happens in stages sometimes – we forgive, and then we forgive again at a deeper level – whenever triggered. It’s a constant exercise!
Forgiveness does free
Hi Regina. Yes, it does indeed! Hope you are doing well!
Forgiveness does free
Hi Regina. Yes, it does indeed! Hope you are doing well!
Thanks for the well thought out post Gary. I have heard a lot about you. I hope to meet you some time — sometimes we need a guide so that our feet find the forgiving path, even when we’ve taken the first step in our hearts.
Hi Tony. Thanks for your encouragement. Yes, we all need mentors and guides along the way. I know I do! I hope what you’ve heard is good – otherwise, don’t believe it!
Thanks for the well thought out post Gary. I have heard a lot about you. I hope to meet you some time — sometimes we need a guide so that our feet find the forgiving path, even when we’ve taken the first step in our hearts.
Hi Tony. Thanks for your encouragement. Yes, we all need mentors and guides along the way. I know I do! I hope what you’ve heard is good – otherwise, don’t believe it!
Wounderful
Paul reminds to forget what lies behind and press on
It’s not that we erase those bitter experience s. But that we no longer allow them to paralyze us and weigh us down, keeping us from living in the present
Hey Chuck. You are so right. Glad to know you, man.
Wounderful
Paul reminds to forget what lies behind and press on
It’s not that we erase those bitter experience s. But that we no longer allow them to paralyze us and weigh us down, keeping us from living in the present
Hey Chuck. You are so right. Glad to know you, man.